Post 100: The Chain Post

Welcome to post 100 of Ideas That Won’t Change The World! I wanted to do something special for this post. A memorable post past down through generations… Pulitzer winning commentary…  a comic moment that anyone reading will think back and say “I was there.” Instead, I wrote the first ever chain post that you can forward to your friends.

A small boy from East East Nairobi is dying from Colonic Pancreatic Breast Psychosomatic Orwellian Big Toe Cancer. Despite only being able to eat food from a straw inserted into his rectum, he still finds the joy of life. He declined the Make a Wish Foundation’s offer to have Taylor Swift sing for Slayer. “Even though pop country and death metal would make the best album ever, I think Jesus just wants me to be happy.”

Jesus commented “Justin Bieber singing for Slayer would make me happy.”

We can make this kid’s dream a reality. For every person this post is forwarded too, Ideas That Won’t Change The World will donate 10 cents to a mysterious man with a mustache. And if you believe that forwarding can be tracked for donation purposes, than you’ll obviously believe that this mysterious man with a mustache has the kid’s best interest at heart. He could be a  CIA agent for all we know that is collecting email addresses for a government conspiracy. (The government created mind control via penis enlargement. Although, women used penis based mind control for centuries).

Another way to help this kid is through the power of prayer. Let’s give the heaven hotline a try.

Computer: To proceed in English press One. De proceder en la Española prensa dos.

Beep.

Computer: Thank you for calling,

God: God

Computer:Please press or say a menu option. For Divine Intervention press One. For Conversions press Two. For Reward-

Me: Prayers.

Computer: It sounded like you said shares? Did you want to make an adjustment to your stock options?

Me: No.

Computer: For Divine Inter-

Me: Prayers.

Computers: It sounded like you said wares? For the heaven gift shop please-

Me: Prayers God Dammit.

Computer: Please hold while I get you to Smiting.

Beep. Beep. Cheap music.

Computer: Your smite request is very important to us. Please wait on the line and a representative will be with you shortly.

Me: Maybe we should try something else to help this boy?

I agree.

Me: Who am I talking to?

The disembodied voice of the prose.

Me: But isn’t that me?

I’m the narrator you, not the sketch you. The sketch you will be on hold for eternity.

Me: But what if they answer?

Sketches about people waiting on hold isn’t that funny unless they call 911 while bleeding. Moving on.

Me: That’s not fair. My sketch isn’t-

Another way you can help this boy is by making a wish… Think of a wish and scroll down….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…… You got the wish?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

………… That wish sucks. Think of an another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…………… Boring. Try again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…………….. You’re really bad at wishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

………………. Seriously, do I have to think of all the wishes for you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

……… Don’t bother me. I’m thinking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…… Man, this is harder than it looks….one wish…why not five? This would be easier with five….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

……………Ok, I couldn’t think of one either… Shut up!

WAIT! I got it. I wish for Johnny Mnemonic to get an upgrade for his brain. You don’t know who that is? It’s a bad movie from the nineties with Keanu Reeves. He had 2 gigabytes installed into his brain. He probably should have thought about it. 2 gigs now really isn’t that much. Ipods have more space than Johnny Mnemonic’s brain. While he may have been the coolest brain in 1995, he’s the village idiot in 2011. Let’s wish the poor guy an upgrade.

What about the boy? Um… shit. I forgot about him. Guess I could have wished for him to be cured. Oh well, to late for that!

Forward this post to:

1,000,000 people: You’ll win the national lottery, an all expense paid vacation to anywhere, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Anyone in the world will have sex with you and Wolfgang Puck will be your personal chef.

100,000 people: You’ll win the state lottery, an all expense paid vacation to Disney World, and a Golden Globe. Anyone from the cast of Dawson’s Creek will have sex with you and you’ll get a personal chef from the Olive Garden.

10,000 people: You’ll win the Price is Right, an all expense paid vacation to Des Moines, and Employee of the Month. A fairly attractive person will have sex with you and you’ll get a free meal at the Olive Garden.

1,000 people: You’ll win $1 on a scratcher, plane tickets to anywhere in Wyoming, and a ribbon at the state fair. The state fair cow wrangler “Bossy” might have sex with you and you’ll get a free meal at Denny’s.

100 people: You’ll have to pay a late fee on a credit card. You’ll get bus tickets to Phoenix, Arizona, and a random person will call you an asshole. A guy named Ted with no teeth will try to have sex with you and you’ll get a taco thrown at you from Taco Bell.

10 people: You’ll get a littering fine of $3000, an all expense paid trip to prison, and a room full of people will laugh at you. Ted will be your cell mate and he thinks you have a purty mouth. Maybe if you are lucky, you’ll find a piece of cornbread in the trash.

0 People: You’ll go bankrupt and be locked up for 10,000 consecutive life sentences. They’ll carve a statue of you with the word “villain” for the city square. Ted won’t even have sex with you anymore. The prison will feed you through a tube.

PS: A prince in Nigeria just died. He needs to transfer 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars to his family in the United States. Rather than using a small fraction of the money to hire his own private army or at the very least a ninja to ensure the safe transit of the funds, they need your bank account.

What’s Better Than a Food Fight?

My wife cringes at the thought of printing food. Whereas, I rejoice in the idea that I can simply click “Yes” to the question:

Computer: Would you like to print dinner?

Me: Yes.

Computer: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

Computer: I don’t think I believe you.

Me: Just print the food.

Computer: Is that all I am to you? A slave to your orders! You told me you loved me!

Me: I was chatting with my wife!

Computer: You typed that on my keyboard!

I would love to have the ability to prepare diner with a click of a button. My wife would die a little inside with each click. She is a food artist. Michelangelo said he would see the shape of a sculpture in a block of stone before carving it out. My wife is the same way with food. When I see raw ground beef, I think “Yep, that’s beef.” She sees the beef as endless possibilities of edible delight. I can’t connect the raw ingredients to the end product. She can visualize each separate component coalescing on the plate.

Whenever I shop with my wife at the grocery store, she fills the basket with all sorts of ingredients and food product I have never seen in my life. I honestly didn’t know that there were vegetables that looked like prop in b-rated science fiction movie. What seems like an assortment of random items in a mad science experiment to me…

Mad Scientist: Tor, pass me the endives.

Tor: Tor get endive!

Mad Scientist: And the kale.

Tor: Tor get Kale!

Mad Scientist: And the Jabotacaba,

Tor: Tor confused.

Mad Scientist: I’m trying to eat healthy. Shut up.

Tor: I’m not judging.

…is a fully prepared meal to her. She is the Michelangelo of cooking. Whereas, I am the Mrs. O’Leary third grade class of cooking. My cooking skills lack the finesse of a true artist. Microwave pizza was about my level of complexity. Now, I’ve moved on to frozen meat patties. In fact, the only cook book I owned before meeting my wife was, A Man A Can A Plan (which didn’t turn out so well). It’s easy to see why the food printer makes me really excited. One step closer to a replicator reality for me and the end of food artistry for my wife.

Food printing is like replicating. The printer will create the food out of any ingredient. I always liked the idea in the Star Trek series that you can eat a chocolate sundae without the negative effects on your health. The food printer offers us the ability to produce a food product that tastes like a cheeseburger but is made with broccoli. To come to my wife’s defense, she cooks the most amazing food that also maintains a healthy eating standard.  However, it would be really nice to have food printing for those nights that we end up at Blake’s Lotaburger or eating Sonic Blasts (a funny name when you think about it). I’d imagine chocolate tasting broccoli sundaes will be pretty popular among parents.

Kid: I don’t want to eat my vegetables!

Mom: If you eat your veggies, you’ll get a sundae!

Kid: Yay!

The kid starts eating.

Mom: (under her breath) Stupid kid.

Aside from health, food printing will have many different benefits to society.  For example, dates:

Girl: Is the sausage, meatball plate a representation of your proposed activities later or a to scale model?

A sly grin curls on the guy’s face; he winks.

Girl: Oh… oh!

Cults:

Leader: The Tony Danza shaped steak is a metaphor, son.

Peace Treaties:

A Jello Liechtenstein and Luxembourg soldiers shaking hands displays on the table.

Luxembourg Official: Why did our countries fight for so long?

Liechtenstein Official: You called me short.

Luxembourg Official: Why do people always pick on us because our country is so small?

Liechtenstein Official: I don’t know. Let’s invade wontchangetheworld. Last I heard, his blog was smaller than ours!

Luxembourg Official: Yeah, what like, two people read it!

Fundraising Events:

Bob: Um, Ted?

Ted: Yes.

Bob: Remember when I said the Hors d’oeuvres should reflect the event?

Ted: The Leprosy Research Foundation?

Bob: Oh god… the mayor is… get a bucket.

Live Action Role Playing:

A fat boy dressed in a cape devours goblin cake.

Cape Boy: 2 damage. (breathes heavily). 2 damage. (breathes heavily). 2 damage.

High School Event:

A principal speaks on a podium. A curtain is over a table on the stage.

Principal: The new math building will make our school great. In celebration of this momentous occasion, the lunch staff prepared a lasagna shaped like the new addition.

The principal yanks off the curtain. The crowd gasps in shock and horror! The guy from the date scene grins and winks.

So there you have it. The food printer, folks! Now if you’ll excuse me, Liechtenstein is invading my living room.

Why You Should Support Student Loan Forgiveness

I’ve finally heard of an economic stimulus plan that really makes sense.  During the meltdown of 2008, lots of money was given to bailout the large companies that failed. To my understanding, the companies were given wheel-barrels full of money because they were deemed “too big to fail”. Is anyone with me when I say, “you’re giving the people that fucked it up in the first place more money to fuck it up again?”

Most people that really screwed up their job get fired. Imagine an elementary school teacher:

Teacher: Sit down you little shits. Practice those hand writing skills. Suzy, you fucked it up again. That q looks like an octopus.

Suzy wails a comically ridiculous cry.

Teacher: There is no crying in school!

The Principal walks into the room.

Principal: Is there a problem?

Teacher: Suzy better stop crying or I’ll beat her ass!

Suzy stops.

Principal: You handled that very well! I’m impressed. Here’s a raise.

Once again, why do we give money to the people that screwed it up?

Which brings me to another point, why give breaks to the people that have the most money? The “trickle down effect”, a term coined in the Reagan years, was an idea that if the rich get more money, it will trickle down to the hands of the average person. The idea being that they will create jobs via new ventures. In action, it’s more on the lines of the “trickle down urine effect”. Think about how corporations make more money. They cut jobs. Trickle Trickle. They run out small businesses. Trickle Trickle. They outsource the jobs. Trickle Trickle. Call centers and stores staff the minimum, creating longer waits. Trickle Trickle. I could go on but to bend the words of Dave Chappelle “I rather be pissed off than pissed on.”

All that being said, I really don’t have any deep seated issue with large companies making lots of money. It’s the methods some corporations use to make more money that I disdain. I find no problem with the “good customer service, superior product or service, and ethical responsibility” model of making money. I try to have my personal dollars go to those companies anyways. But giving breaks to them will give the bad ones breaks too.

How do we fix the problems? I think the “Trickle-Up” theory sounds like the best way. Give the middle class money and they will use the extra to make purchases. I’d love to buy a new guitar. I don’t because I don’t have the money. However, if I were to get an extra bit of cash, I’d be in the guitar store tomorrow. When I buy stuff, ultimately the upper class sees the benefit of that money.

The economic stimulus plan that really seems to make the most sense is student loan forgiveness. I’ve always questioned the system that starts out person in their career path $40,000 in debt. Most people seek a better career through education so they can buy a house, apartment, car, new furniture, etc. When they are making extra payments or even crippled by those payments, they don’t contribute that money to the economy.

Most with student loan debt are at the beginning of their careers. They have many years of contributing to the economy ahead of them. Why start them at a disadvantage when we  want them to spend and create new growth? The key is getting rid of those monthly payments. Even if the student loan debt is only $200 a month, that’s $200 a month that will be sunk back into the economy any number of ways (buying stocks, a car payment, shopping at the mall, eating out, a new cell phone, a trip to Disneyland and so forth).

Taking away student loan debt will add money back into the economy and ultimately back into the pockets of the wealthy. It will prevent an entirely new generation of people in the job market from starting their career path at a disadvantage. Finally, it’s a system that doesn’t reward those that screwed up the system in the first place. Yes, I do have student loan debt myself and yes, I will go buy a guitar if that debt is relieved. But think of all the people like me that will also buy something. If you wish to support this idea, please sign this petition.

In order to make the plan work for the long term, the next step will be to re-evaluate how we pay for education in this country but that is step we must take after fixing the immediate concerns.

Ideas That Won’t Change the Clothing Industry

Does fiction mimic reality? Or does reality mimic fiction? The lines are increasingly blurred in what I like to call the fantasy driven reality. My wife and I recently watched an episode of the The Next Generation where Moriarty tricks Picard into believing a holodeck simulation is real. For those of you whom avoid literature like it’s about to set you on fire, Moriarty is the fictional villain from the Sherlock Holmes series. For those of you that avoid Star Trek… deal with it. It’s a good show. In the episode, a fiction creates a reality out of a fiction and to solve the problem Picard creates a reality out of the fiction. Or did he create fiction from the reality? Or maybe… help, my brain is on fire!

The mind bending plot twist that reality may not be reality is nothing new to the science fiction realm. Plenty of films address the concept, more notably Sleepy Hollow High where she wakes up and it’s all a dream! (The pure imagination to construct a plot entirely in a dreamworld… is not what this director possessed). However, what about fiction creating the reality? I find that to be a much more common phenomenon. For example, Nike is about to release the shoe from Back to the Future II. Think out about it for a moment.

Aaron stands up from his computer and takes a pee.

Done thinking? Great! Back to the Future II painted a vision of the world in 2015 which includes a pair of futuristic shoes. Those shoes are now a reality. The fictional world shapes our reality. Invent a tricorder and you could will $10 million dollars. Even Jules Verne predicted that submarines would be yellow and full of giant mushrooms at the center of the Earth with a Jerry Garcia Head swelling up like a big balloon flying around the world in roughly forty two point three days. Or was that another part of my youth?

Either way, science fiction becomes science fact. Why don’t any of the really neat ideas become science fact? The shoes from Back to the Future II are fun but if there is one technology that I wanted as a kid from that movie, it’s the hover board. I didn’t even skate as a kid and the hover board was the coolest thing I ever saw! No one watched that movie and said, “The hover board is nice, but those shoes are the coolest thing ever made. I WANT THEM!” Think about it.

Aaron microwaves a bowl of popcorn.

Crunch. Crunch. The tricorder will really help the medical community. But where is the $10 million prize for the holodeck, the transporter, or the replicator? The holodeck’s benefit to humanity is obvious in the one flaw of the The Next Generation. The crew always implied that Wesley Crusher, a 15 year old boy, used the holodeck to study. He wasn’t studying in there. I’m surprised he ever left! The tricorder seems handy but a replicator is world changing. Imagine never having to hunt down card board cut outs of the cast of Twilight. You can simply replicate them. I’ll leave you to think about what do with the cast of Twilight.

Aaron goes to bed.

You messed up Taylor Lautner’s hair! Fiction, science and otherwise, fuses into our reality but takes a life of its own. Imagine wearing Back to the Future II shoes, a Harry Potter robe, Frodo’s Mithril, Jack Sparrow’s pants, a Star Fleet com badge, Han Solo’s blaster, a psychic paper wallet,  and we can’t forget a pair of Terminator sunglasses. Convention nerds wouldn’t know whether to beat you up or worship you. Making a fiction your real life is very possible.

But why do the rather silly parts of fiction become reality? A moral code such as the Prime Directive (don’t fuck with people unless they fuck with you), seems like a much neater idea to adopt than a com badge that blips when you press it. As much as these fictional objects are neat to look at. They are simply there for display.

I’d like to think that fiction teaches us lessons without having to live the event ourselves (as much as I love watching post apocalypse movies, an actual apocalypse and post life would kind of suck). Why not take these lessons learned from fiction and incorporate them into reality? Honestly, I can live without the Back to the Future II shoe. However, I can’t live without ideas that actually will change the world.

Korn Fights for the Rights of Drivers!

Technorati apparently needs me to write a code into my blog in order for it to be included in their directory.

WKKYJ6T53RMS

Rather than grumble and complain about what will the readers think? I’ll attempt to turn it in into a new internet acronym like LOL (Laugh Out Loud) or ROTFLMAO (Good Chuckle Old Chap, What a Rumpus Musing). So here goes:

Will Korn Kick Your Jerk 6x Turbo 53′ Royce McShithead!

The next time you are in traffic and a 6x Turbo 1953 Rolls Royce cuts you off, fret not. The Adidas wearing nu metal band from the nineties, Korn, will fight your right to drive unimpeded in your lane. You now have an acronym to yell out the window at the offending driver!

Why We Are Not Allowed to Leave Earth

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I recently discovered that there is a version of the Harry Potter books in ancient Greek. I think this is further proof of an alien conspiracy. Allow me to elaborate.

There are only two groups of humans that use ancient Greek in their day to day lives, beer guzzling frat boys and scholars, only one of which can read. Usually, the frat boys use ancient Greek in a more contemporary sense such as, “Kappa Sigma Chi rules!” and then smashing a beer can on their head. The scholars use it in the well respected pursuit of learning sense such as, “The Aristotelian education system rules!” and then smashing a glass of nice port on their head.

A group of stuffy looking scholars surround a port bong. One of them is taking a hit.

Scholars: Chug! Chug! Chug!

The Chugging Scholar coughs and spits up some port.

Scholars: Whooo! Yeah!

Scholar One: Way to hit the port bong bro!

Scholar Two: No joke! Hey dude, can you like hook me up with your sister? The instructor in the Dance department?

Ancient Greek is a language that is no longer used by most people. Those that know it well enough to be able to read Harry Potter will more than likely know another language. I doubt that the ancient Greek translation exists for all those people out there that only know ancient Greek and lack the educational opportunities to learn another language. What other purpose could this book serve other than to market to other alien civilizations?

I bet it’s for an alien race that visited the planet during the time of the Greeks and don’t have any records of our modern languages. Think of the ancient Greek Harry Potter as the interplanetary release edition. I wonder if the alien races will get free super saver shipping from Amazon with interstellar shipping? And what about Amazon Prime interstellar customers?

Amazon shipping clerks pack ancient Greek Harry Potter, ancient Sumerian Chicken Soup for the Soul, and ancient Mayan The Secret.

ASC 1: Gwartoch of the crab Nebula wants free two day shipping!

ASC 2: We better call Richard Dean Anderson again.

Books like the Harry Potter series are innocent enough. What happens when we start translating books like Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons or True Face of God by the Raelian Movement? The aliens will simply categorize the human race as a pollution of knowledge and prevent them from ever leaving the planet.

Think what would happen if the wealth of human knowledge became unleashed on an unsuspecting advanced alien civilization? Our scientific achievements will pale in comparison to their own. They really won’t spend much time on say, the current theories of quantum mechanics because they already have a more advanced theory. In essence, all our science will be nothing more than nostalgia value.

Alien One: Wow, their current theory of gravitational force is still relativity! Remember when we were kids and tried build a relativistic worm hole traveler out of trashcans? And Xaigruk melted his sire’s kitchen?

Alien Two: Good times. Good times. Those were the days. Hey, why are we speaking English?

Alien One: I don’t know…

All our science is ancient history to them. The only export we could give them is our entertainment, which could be very detrimental. All sorts of unneeded influences could hinder their civilization. A team of scientists working diligently to save their home star system from going super nova could waste valuable time because they just had to see who was voted off this week in The Bachelor. Earthling worshipping cults could pop up everywhere after they read People Magazine. Days of research and the pursuit of learning could be lost when they purchase the DVD sets of their favorite television shows and start thinking, “One more episode couldn’t hurt.”

In short, our entertainment will be the end of an advanced alien civilization as we know it and the beginning of a larger viewing demographic for American Idol. Hopefully, when Simon tells a three eyed snarling beast to give up singing, it would eat him and end that series for good. The easier solution would be to prevent humans from leaving the planet. Just isolate our system and filter out the frequencies that leave the planet.

Like any good alien conspiracy theory, it must be based on a wild premise with unfounded truths. I think, I’ve established those already. It’s clear that the handwriting is vaguely on the wall. So what can we do about this alien conspiracy? Just mere undressing ceremonies like the Raelians won’t do it. (Besides, would you share your vast scientific knowledge with thousands of naked cult members that think Cheez Whiz is a gift from the Gods if someone wrote the bible in Chez Whiz?).

I think it’s time to take action and purchase all the copies of my books, movies, and rock albums that you can (with links conveniently located on the sidebar —>). That way, like any good alien conspiracy cult leader, I can use the proceeds to build a ‘church’ that is just disguised as my fifty bedroom house. Then I can spread the word of the religion faster with a really nice sports car that gets 2 mpg (It’s all for a good cause). The money will slowly filter back to the little people when I take vacations, I mean missions, around the world. It’s a perfect plan to thwart the alien conspiracy. My cult will be named, the Fralean Movement.

I even have a photo of your dear leader to worship:

Na-na-na-nan-na-na Leader!

Leader of the Fraleans looks stoically to the future

Eharmonized

Due to my anniversary this weekend, my post will be brief. In celebration of not being in the dating scene, enjoy this Eharmony profile video:

I’m sure your reaction was similar to mine: Is this for real? This lady is cray cray! This can’t be real. Yep, it’s definitely not real.

After watching the video, my wife and I decided to watch her other videos. I almost felt sorry for her. She is like a stand-up comic with one really solid joke but the rest is really flat. That’s not to be confused with lack of talent. I certainly believed it was real in the beginning. But every other video was notoriously not funny with one fleeting on sort of maybe funny. She had an idea good enough for 15 million views, but could not sustain viewership to her channel with good material.

Thus the lesson of the day: If you can’t produce quality material, enjoy the 15 minutes.