Welcome to post 100 of Ideas That Won’t Change The World! I wanted to do something special for this post. A memorable post past down through generations… Pulitzer winning commentary… a comic moment that anyone reading will think back and say “I was there.” Instead, I wrote the first ever chain post that you can forward to your friends.
A small boy from East East Nairobi is dying from Colonic Pancreatic Breast Psychosomatic Orwellian Big Toe Cancer. Despite only being able to eat food from a straw inserted into his rectum, he still finds the joy of life. He declined the Make a Wish Foundation’s offer to have Taylor Swift sing for Slayer. “Even though pop country and death metal would make the best album ever, I think Jesus just wants me to be happy.”
Jesus commented “Justin Bieber singing for Slayer would make me happy.”
We can make this kid’s dream a reality. For every person this post is forwarded too, Ideas That Won’t Change The World will donate 10 cents to a mysterious man with a mustache. And if you believe that forwarding can be tracked for donation purposes, than you’ll obviously believe that this mysterious man with a mustache has the kid’s best interest at heart. He could be a CIA agent for all we know that is collecting email addresses for a government conspiracy. (The government created mind control via penis enlargement. Although, women used penis based mind control for centuries).
Another way to help this kid is through the power of prayer. Let’s give the heaven hotline a try.
Computer: To proceed in English press One. De proceder en la Española prensa dos.
Computer: Thank you for calling,
Computer:Please press or say a menu option. For Divine Intervention press One. For Conversions press Two. For Reward-
Computer: It sounded like you said shares? Did you want to make an adjustment to your stock options?
Computer: For Divine Inter-
Computers: It sounded like you said wares? For the heaven gift shop please-
Me: Prayers God Dammit.
Computer: Please hold while I get you to Smiting.
Beep. Beep. Cheap music.
Computer: Your smite request is very important to us. Please wait on the line and a representative will be with you shortly.
Me: Maybe we should try something else to help this boy?
Me: Who am I talking to?
The disembodied voice of the prose.
Me: But isn’t that me?
I’m the narrator you, not the sketch you. The sketch you will be on hold for eternity.
Me: But what if they answer?
Sketches about people waiting on hold isn’t that funny unless they call 911 while bleeding. Moving on.
Me: That’s not fair. My sketch isn’t-
Another way you can help this boy is by making a wish… Think of a wish and scroll down….
…… You got the wish?
………… That wish sucks. Think of an another.
…………… Boring. Try again.
…………….. You’re really bad at wishes.
………………. Seriously, do I have to think of all the wishes for you?
……… Don’t bother me. I’m thinking.
…… Man, this is harder than it looks….one wish…why not five? This would be easier with five….
……………Ok, I couldn’t think of one either… Shut up!
WAIT! I got it. I wish for Johnny Mnemonic to get an upgrade for his brain. You don’t know who that is? It’s a bad movie from the nineties with Keanu Reeves. He had 2 gigabytes installed into his brain. He probably should have thought about it. 2 gigs now really isn’t that much. Ipods have more space than Johnny Mnemonic’s brain. While he may have been the coolest brain in 1995, he’s the village idiot in 2011. Let’s wish the poor guy an upgrade.
What about the boy? Um… shit. I forgot about him. Guess I could have wished for him to be cured. Oh well, to late for that!
Forward this post to:
1,000,000 people: You’ll win the national lottery, an all expense paid vacation to anywhere, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Anyone in the world will have sex with you and Wolfgang Puck will be your personal chef.
100,000 people: You’ll win the state lottery, an all expense paid vacation to Disney World, and a Golden Globe. Anyone from the cast of Dawson’s Creek will have sex with you and you’ll get a personal chef from the Olive Garden.
10,000 people: You’ll win the Price is Right, an all expense paid vacation to Des Moines, and Employee of the Month. A fairly attractive person will have sex with you and you’ll get a free meal at the Olive Garden.
1,000 people: You’ll win $1 on a scratcher, plane tickets to anywhere in Wyoming, and a ribbon at the state fair. The state fair cow wrangler “Bossy” might have sex with you and you’ll get a free meal at Denny’s.
100 people: You’ll have to pay a late fee on a credit card. You’ll get bus tickets to Phoenix, Arizona, and a random person will call you an asshole. A guy named Ted with no teeth will try to have sex with you and you’ll get a taco thrown at you from Taco Bell.
10 people: You’ll get a littering fine of $3000, an all expense paid trip to prison, and a room full of people will laugh at you. Ted will be your cell mate and he thinks you have a purty mouth. Maybe if you are lucky, you’ll find a piece of cornbread in the trash.
0 People: You’ll go bankrupt and be locked up for 10,000 consecutive life sentences. They’ll carve a statue of you with the word “villain” for the city square. Ted won’t even have sex with you anymore. The prison will feed you through a tube.
PS: A prince in Nigeria just died. He needs to transfer 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars to his family in the United States. Rather than using a small fraction of the money to hire his own private army or at the very least a ninja to ensure the safe transit of the funds, they need your bank account.