Why We Are Not Allowed to Leave Earth

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I recently discovered that there is a version of the Harry Potter books in ancient Greek. I think this is further proof of an alien conspiracy. Allow me to elaborate.

There are only two groups of humans that use ancient Greek in their day to day lives, beer guzzling frat boys and scholars, only one of which can read. Usually, the frat boys use ancient Greek in a more contemporary sense such as, “Kappa Sigma Chi rules!” and then smashing a beer can on their head. The scholars use it in the well respected pursuit of learning sense such as, “The Aristotelian education system rules!” and then smashing a glass of nice port on their head.

A group of stuffy looking scholars surround a port bong. One of them is taking a hit.

Scholars: Chug! Chug! Chug!

The Chugging Scholar coughs and spits up some port.

Scholars: Whooo! Yeah!

Scholar One: Way to hit the port bong bro!

Scholar Two: No joke! Hey dude, can you like hook me up with your sister? The instructor in the Dance department?

Ancient Greek is a language that is no longer used by most people. Those that know it well enough to be able to read Harry Potter will more than likely know another language. I doubt that the ancient Greek translation exists for all those people out there that only know ancient Greek and lack the educational opportunities to learn another language. What other purpose could this book serve other than to market to other alien civilizations?

I bet it’s for an alien race that visited the planet during the time of the Greeks and don’t have any records of our modern languages. Think of the ancient Greek Harry Potter as the interplanetary release edition. I wonder if the alien races will get free super saver shipping from Amazon with interstellar shipping? And what about Amazon Prime interstellar customers?

Amazon shipping clerks pack ancient Greek Harry Potter, ancient Sumerian Chicken Soup for the Soul, and ancient Mayan The Secret.

ASC 1: Gwartoch of the crab Nebula wants free two day shipping!

ASC 2: We better call Richard Dean Anderson again.

Books like the Harry Potter series are innocent enough. What happens when we start translating books like Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons or True Face of God by the Raelian Movement? The aliens will simply categorize the human race as a pollution of knowledge and prevent them from ever leaving the planet.

Think what would happen if the wealth of human knowledge became unleashed on an unsuspecting advanced alien civilization? Our scientific achievements will pale in comparison to their own. They really won’t spend much time on say, the current theories of quantum mechanics because they already have a more advanced theory. In essence, all our science will be nothing more than nostalgia value.

Alien One: Wow, their current theory of gravitational force is still relativity! Remember when we were kids and tried build a relativistic worm hole traveler out of trashcans? And Xaigruk melted his sire’s kitchen?

Alien Two: Good times. Good times. Those were the days. Hey, why are we speaking English?

Alien One: I don’t know…

All our science is ancient history to them. The only export we could give them is our entertainment, which could be very detrimental. All sorts of unneeded influences could hinder their civilization. A team of scientists working diligently to save their home star system from going super nova could waste valuable time because they just had to see who was voted off this week in The Bachelor. Earthling worshipping cults could pop up everywhere after they read People Magazine. Days of research and the pursuit of learning could be lost when they purchase the DVD sets of their favorite television shows and start thinking, “One more episode couldn’t hurt.”

In short, our entertainment will be the end of an advanced alien civilization as we know it and the beginning of a larger viewing demographic for American Idol. Hopefully, when Simon tells a three eyed snarling beast to give up singing, it would eat him and end that series for good. The easier solution would be to prevent humans from leaving the planet. Just isolate our system and filter out the frequencies that leave the planet.

Like any good alien conspiracy theory, it must be based on a wild premise with unfounded truths. I think, I’ve established those already. It’s clear that the handwriting is vaguely on the wall. So what can we do about this alien conspiracy? Just mere undressing ceremonies like the Raelians won’t do it. (Besides, would you share your vast scientific knowledge with thousands of naked cult members that think Cheez Whiz is a gift from the Gods if someone wrote the bible in Chez Whiz?).

I think it’s time to take action and purchase all the copies of my books, movies, and rock albums that you can (with links conveniently located on the sidebar —>). That way, like any good alien conspiracy cult leader, I can use the proceeds to build a ‘church’ that is just disguised as my fifty bedroom house. Then I can spread the word of the religion faster with a really nice sports car that gets 2 mpg (It’s all for a good cause). The money will slowly filter back to the little people when I take vacations, I mean missions, around the world. It’s a perfect plan to thwart the alien conspiracy. My cult will be named, the Fralean Movement.

I even have a photo of your dear leader to worship:

Na-na-na-nan-na-na Leader!
Leader of the Fraleans looks stoically to the future

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

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