What’s Better Than a Food Fight?

My wife cringes at the thought of printing food. Whereas, I rejoice in the idea that I can simply click “Yes” to the question:

Computer: Would you like to print dinner?

Me: Yes.

Computer: Are you sure?

Me: Yes.

Computer: I don’t think I believe you.

Me: Just print the food.

Computer: Is that all I am to you? A slave to your orders! You told me you loved me!

Me: I was chatting with my wife!

Computer: You typed that on my keyboard!

I would love to have the ability to prepare diner with a click of a button. My wife would die a little inside with each click. She is a food artist. Michelangelo said he would see the shape of a sculpture in a block of stone before carving it out. My wife is the same way with food. When I see raw ground beef, I think “Yep, that’s beef.” She sees the beef as endless possibilities of edible delight. I can’t connect the raw ingredients to the end product. She can visualize each separate component coalescing on the plate.

Whenever I shop with my wife at the grocery store, she fills the basket with all sorts of ingredients and food product I have never seen in my life. I honestly didn’t know that there were vegetables that looked like prop in b-rated science fiction movie. What seems like an assortment of random items in a mad science experiment to me…

Mad Scientist: Tor, pass me the endives.

Tor: Tor get endive!

Mad Scientist: And the kale.

Tor: Tor get Kale!

Mad Scientist: And the Jabotacaba,

Tor: Tor confused.

Mad Scientist: I’m trying to eat healthy. Shut up.

Tor: I’m not judging.

…is a fully prepared meal to her. She is the Michelangelo of cooking. Whereas, I am the Mrs. O’Leary third grade class of cooking. My cooking skills lack the finesse of a true artist. Microwave pizza was about my level of complexity. Now, I’ve moved on to frozen meat patties. In fact, the only cook book I owned before meeting my wife was, A Man A Can A Plan (which didn’t turn out so well). It’s easy to see why the food printer makes me really excited. One step closer to a replicator reality for me and the end of food artistry for my wife.

Food printing is like replicating. The printer will create the food out of any ingredient. I always liked the idea in the Star Trek series that you can eat a chocolate sundae without the negative effects on your health. The food printer offers us the ability to produce a food product that tastes like a cheeseburger but is made with broccoli. To come to my wife’s defense, she cooks the most amazing food that also maintains a healthy eating standard.  However, it would be really nice to have food printing for those nights that we end up at Blake’s Lotaburger or eating Sonic Blasts (a funny name when you think about it). I’d imagine chocolate tasting broccoli sundaes will be pretty popular among parents.

Kid: I don’t want to eat my vegetables!

Mom: If you eat your veggies, you’ll get a sundae!

Kid: Yay!

The kid starts eating.

Mom: (under her breath) Stupid kid.

Aside from health, food printing will have many different benefits to society.  For example, dates:

Girl: Is the sausage, meatball plate a representation of your proposed activities later or a to scale model?

A sly grin curls on the guy’s face; he winks.

Girl: Oh… oh!


Leader: The Tony Danza shaped steak is a metaphor, son.

Peace Treaties:

A Jello Liechtenstein and Luxembourg soldiers shaking hands displays on the table.

Luxembourg Official: Why did our countries fight for so long?

Liechtenstein Official: You called me short.

Luxembourg Official: Why do people always pick on us because our country is so small?

Liechtenstein Official: I don’t know. Let’s invade wontchangetheworld. Last I heard, his blog was smaller than ours!

Luxembourg Official: Yeah, what like, two people read it!

Fundraising Events:

Bob: Um, Ted?

Ted: Yes.

Bob: Remember when I said the Hors d’oeuvres should reflect the event?

Ted: The Leprosy Research Foundation?

Bob: Oh god… the mayor is… get a bucket.

Live Action Role Playing:

A fat boy dressed in a cape devours goblin cake.

Cape Boy: 2 damage. (breathes heavily). 2 damage. (breathes heavily). 2 damage.

High School Event:

A principal speaks on a podium. A curtain is over a table on the stage.

Principal: The new math building will make our school great. In celebration of this momentous occasion, the lunch staff prepared a lasagna shaped like the new addition.

The principal yanks off the curtain. The crowd gasps in shock and horror! The guy from the date scene grins and winks.

So there you have it. The food printer, folks! Now if you’ll excuse me, Liechtenstein is invading my living room.

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

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