10 Ideas For Your Next Hell House

A Hell House is a particularly awful tradition of ignorant people showing that abortions happen with chainsaws and will send you straight to hell. Instead of creating something vile and inaccurate, I’d rather focus on inaccurate. Here are some ideas that will not change the Hell House.

1. The Rapture Room – While the official date is the 21st of this month, rapture seems to be impending all the time (fyi: the rapture will actually be really good for humanity). Make a room where a plain clothes guy walks in and says “I’m sorry, this Hell House experience has been canceled because of the rapture.” Then giggle as people sell their homes and cars. Satan thinks it’s funny.

2. The TV Evangelist room – Have a guy making money on religion, spreading hate messages, and generally being an ass. He’ll eventually ask the audience for money. Then have Satan drag off those who pull out their check book.

3. The Large Corporation Room – A bunch of executives will make decisions that generate a large amount money without regard to the well being of people. Satan will give the thumbs up and do a little jig.

4. The Selfish People Room – For all those that live as if they are the only ones on the planet, Satan will give you buttered scone.

5. The Not Letting Teens Get Birth Control Room – We really need more parents that didn’t want or weren’t ready for their child and thusly treat the kid poorly. Planned Parenthood makes Satan cry.

6. The Magic Gathering, Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, Lord of the Rings, and Ouija board Room. All of these things naturally lead to wild sex cults and human sacrifice. No really, I actually saw a documentary of people that believe it! They also had these funny “morality” confessional commercials like “Abstinence really worked for us!” How would they know that abstinence worked for them? They never really had sex with anyone else for a comparison. Satan will do a viola challenge as he is sick of the violin.

7. The Television Executives that Fear Technology Room – This one is my personal gripe. I like watching shows like Ghost Hunters and Fringe, but I don’t have cable, nor will I ever buy it. Most of my programming comes through Hulu and Netflix via a Roku player. Frankly, if a show I like doesn’t show up on the Roku player, I usually will end up watching another show that does. So ABC and the Sci-Fi Channel, essentially lose money from commercials that I would have watched and anyone else that may watch with a Roku for that matter.  I would think the more places that stream a television show means more audience and more advertising revenue. Satan, will you take care of this?

Satan: I am sick of being your bitch. I’m the dark lord!

8. The Crumbling American Dream Room – Let the audience monitor via a secret room a lobbyist convincing a congress person to sacrifice ideals for campaign contributions. Are you sure you don’t want to have at this, Satan?

Satan: A lobbyist and a senator? Um… No! I must be strong. I’ve made my decision.

9. The People Who Make Hell Houses Room – Encouraging ignorance and fear is truly the sin… Who I am kidding? Hell Houses are just funny. They should call them comedy houses from wildly ignorant depiction of sin. Satan, you know want these people.

Satan: Nope. These people are already on their way to see me.

10. The Infomercial Room – The most heinous sin of –

Satan: Ah, what the hell! Come here infomercial man. I got a surprise for you!

15 Awful Ways To Put Trick in Trick-or-Treat

1. Dress as Ronald Reagan and give out I.O.U. trickle down notes.

2. Give out Ben and Jerry’s ice cream with a leak in the package.

3. Pass out “10 Reasons You’ll Never Succeed” pamphlets.

4. Ask every parent out. Tell them the kids will be fine on their own.

5. Pass out tooth brushes (This really happens! Every year I got one!).

6. Camel Joe never seems to win over the parents.

7. A Hate Group Party Leader Costume and ask permission to give out reading material.

8. The Meth Lab Man giving out rock candy.

9. Dress up as a Fitness Instructor. Leave out a bowl of carrots and another with candy. Wire the candy with 10,000 volts. Grin as they decide.

10. Dress like a grandparent. Pass out toilet paper, eggs, and a gasoline soaked brown sack of dog poo. Then say, “You kids have fun now.”

11. Burn CD’s of your band. Guilt the children into paying for them.

12. Pass out fortune cookies with fortunes that teach various curse words.

13. Those miniature bottles of whiskey aren’t just for airplanes you know.

14. Taco Bell sauce packets. Yep, got do something with those sauce packets sitting in the fridge for years.

15. Set up a “Hell House” and pick really silly sins such as jaywalking, parking meter violations, and class tardiness.

15 Tasteless Halloween Costume Ideas

1. A Home Invader – Nothing says trick like a home invasion!

2. Thriller Micheal Jackson – Get it — a zombie? Too soon?

3. Osama Bin Party Animal – The only act of terrorism is letting the keg go empty.

4. Jehovah’s Witnesses – Ring the doorbell of real Jehovah’s Witnesses until they answer!

5. Mormon Missionaries – Beat up the people dressed as Jehovah’s Witnesses claiming, “Our families celebrate birthdays.”

6. Buddhist Missionaries – Beat up everybody! Nothing says non-violence via violent enforcement.

7. A diabetic – Fake your own coma on the porch.

8. The Brane Multiverse Theory – It’s just too abstract for anyone to understand.

9. DEA Special Task Force – Insist that you are not in costume.

10. Crazy Ex – Go through the list of restraining orders downtown. Find a Crazy Ex that looks like you and show up on the doorstep of person whom ordered the restraining order.

11. A Dentist – Shake your head in disdain for each candy you get.

12. A Child Fundraiser – “Hello, I am selling candy to raise… you’re giving it away for free! Why would you do that to me?”

13. Ethnic Racial Stereotypes – Insist that racism is a very scary subject.

14. A Filibuster – Be that “fun sucking” vampire with a long winded story.

15. A Weary Traveler – Claim your car broke down in the woods and you need a place to stay. Become angry when they don’t try to kill you or at the very least have sex with you.