Earthlings

While reading the news this morning, I read an article titled What if there were another advanced species? The child within me really likes this idea. Being a Dungeons and Dragons fan ever since I was a wee lad, I remember really wanting to go on adventures. In fact, I had even fashioned a quarterstaff and used a fanny pack as my spell pouch. My wife thinks my childhood wizard fantasies are hilarious. Which of course, they are.

If I got my wish as a kid and was sucked into a Dungeons and Dragons portal, I’d probably would have been eaten by a Gelatinous Cube, which is by far the silliest monster. It’s a cube of slime or something. The only way to be really slain by one is walk right into it. Being that my whole life was spent walking into things I shouldn’t — cacti, poison oak, the ladies’ room, etc. — my adventuring would have been cut short by a crafty cube of oozing death. If I had survived the encounter, I would be able to meet all sorts of fantastical beings, most of which would want to eat me for breakfast.

What if Earth really did have many intelligent races living on the planet? The article states that a whole bunch of war is the result. But humanity seems to be getting past war. Sure, there have been plenty of wars in the modern era but compare today with the medieval era when wars would break out for mistimed bodily functions.

King: Greetings, our kingdom celebrates this new peace treaty with…

A short toot of the buttocks.

King: DEATH TO THE NEIGHBORING LANDS!

Or the Roman era:

General: Hail, Caesar!

Long fart noise…

General: Umm… hang on… I’m almost done.

Fart noise continues…

Caesar: Do we really need this guy in court?

Adviser: He’s your cousin…

Fart patters to a halt.

General: Ahhh… that’s better. I’ve been holding that in since France.

Caesar: Fantastic! Great to see you! You did such a good job. I’m going to send you out again. Conquer… um… that big island…

Adviser: England.

Caesar: England. Go conquer England. Great! Goodbye! Have a safe trip!

Farts start up again.

General: Sorry, I get gassy when I’m excited.

Either-way suffice to say, we are emerging from a fairly violent past and our current times are way more tolerant than they used to be. What if there were other intelligent Earthlings on the planet like a Dungeons and Dragons fantasy world? Would Orcs form civil liberties unions and sue Tolkien for racism and slander? Would dragons complain about their portrayal in Western culture?

Humans have trouble accepting other people’s sexuality much less sex with other beings. Judging others consenting private practices never made sense to me. Why would you care who someone else has sex with? It’s not like you have fuck who they fuck.

Bob: Why are you dry humping me?

Fred: Bro, I’m not gay. I’m just doing this to show you that I accept your sexuality.

Bob slaps Fred.

Bob: Twit.

Now what would fantasy races do to the concept of sexuality? Lesbian-Gay-Bi-Trans-Questioning-Ally-Orc-Elf-Gnome-Halfling-Tiefling-Dwarf-Goblin-Dragonborn-Hobgoblin-Bugbear-Lizard People-Kobold-Undead-Underdark-Elemental-

… 25 pages of this post have been cut for your convenience…

Mind Flayer-Beholder-Gelatinous Cube Alliance wishes to support the members of the Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

… 25 more pages …

Mind Flayer Beholder Gelatinous Cube community. No matter if you are Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

… This why we don’t have meetings anymore …

Mind Flayer Beholder or even a Gelatinous Cube we accept your sexuality. We welcome all Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

This is the part of the post where a Monty Python style 16 ton weight drops down to end the-

10 Uses For Spy Satellites

Apparently, Jay-Z and Beyonce are going to make a music video in space. Why not make a video from space and skip the costly space flight tab? Considering spy satellites can find a quarter on the street, why not put them to good use?

1. A ballistic targeting system zooming in on Rick Perry’s head.

2. A satellite zoom over an all male nudist colony switching quickly to an all female nudist colony then back to the male one after the commanding officer leaves the room.

3. Read over someone’s shoulder. He will look annoyed up into space. Then position the book so the satellite can’t see it.

4. Who needs sports cable packages when you have spy technology?

5. Nuclear warhead cam chasing terror dictators using comical techniques from cartoons. For example, when the dictator runs inside, the warhead knocks on door pretending to be a charitable organization.

6. The pants down for Google Earth movement didn’t go very far.

7. Zoom as if you are a sky diver whose chute doesn’t open. Zoom in and out for comical bouncing effect. Cut to plane to try again. Make sure to have fifties announcer voice “The kooky skydiver doesn’t learn! Whoa boy! He is at it again!”

8. Insist that sandwiches are an alien conspiracy. Spy on picnics for hidden communique.

9. SOPA and PIPA regulators _________________________________________ monkey_____________bar stool_________________three quarts___________!

10. No more naked yard work. Phooey.

The Under Analyst

I have an addiction. It’s not easy for me to admit but I want to do so in front of my family and friends. I’m watching The Bachelor. Seek help. Check into a clinic. I know. But you see, I can quit anytime. Like I have been for the last couple of seasons. *Sob* I’m only a social The Bachelor watcher…

But seriously, there is something strangely addictive about that show. Sure, there are some shallow vapid people that make you question the value of humanity… but somehow I can’t stop watching. It’s like a plane had crashed outside my house and I can do nothing but keep looking out the window to see what happens next.

For those cultured enough to be unfamiliar with the premise, the show has 25 women trying to marry one guy. Then an other show follows the first where 25 men try to marry one woman called The Bachelorette. The latter is the funniest one because guys have a tendency to be way more ridiculous in competition for the affection of a lady. It’s just as much of a plane crash as the first one but it’s a funny plane crash.

And the very premise is what brings forth the humor. Comedy breeds in people that take themselves way too seriously. People are ludicrous, especially when they display their peacock feathers for dating purposes. For example, there is a woman named Jenna, who writes for a blog called The Over Analyst. While she claims to over analyze everything, she really doesn’t analyze anything in her blog (really, three line posts that say nothing remotely close to analysis) and can’t even articulate a coherent thought while on the show (the show does involve rampant drinking which may add to inability). Then there was a guy with a mask. Yep, he wore a mask for many episodes and it wasn’t even a Guy Fawkes (which would have been cool in a nerdy way). I could go on but the list of strange things people do to attract mates is abundant and layers an element of comedy to the show.

I think the reason why I watch the show is really because I can see my dating life unfold. Or at least my lack thereof. Each episode unpacks the reasons for why I had a terrible and limited dating experience. I never really dated at all. I certainly wanted too but I was pretty terrible at understanding women. For example, when a women in her twenties wants you to put the moves on her, she will get you alone. I didn’t know this so in my undergraduate years there this woman that I really liked. And here are my three mistakes, all in the course of one party I threw while my parents were out of town (sorry mom, that is of course why the step was broken):

1. She got me alone in my room. Noticed my guitar and asked me to teach her to play the guitar. So I taught her how to play E minor. Seriously that’s it. I didn’t even do the wrap my hands around her move. I pointed to the strings.

2. Then she lured me alone in the basement and saw that I had Legos. So we played with Legos. I made a race car.

3. Finally, she “happened” to be in the garage with me. I stood awkwardly.

For men with more knowledge than myself, she was screaming to make out with me. For me, I was wondering, does she like me? Maybe I should ask her to coffee? The garage is pretty cold. She said she was cold. Maybe I should take her inside where it’s warm.

So that was my dating life… many many sad tales like the one above. And thus we come to reasons why The Bachelor somehow captures what it’s like to date. The men are clueless and make terrible decisions. For example, the men seem to go for the more sexually aggressive women that usually end up being the terrible choice. But looking back to my dating years, I probably would have made the same terrible choices. If she had kissed me instead of trying to play an E minor, I would have kissed her back.

Now the inverse in The Bachelorette is true as well. The women end up making terrible decisions because they fall for the wrong guys. Almost every season has a man that makes me realize, you’re that guy that gives men a bad name! I’ve done this before. While you brag about the break up one liner to your friends, I console her while she wistfully gazes into the night knowing deep down there is something there in your soul when in reality it’s a cesspool.  I never understood why the cesspool soul men always got the women while the guys that cared or at least made an effort to care always seemed like an after thought.

I realize the answer to this question is the very reason why The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are entertaining to watch. People don’t really communicate with each other (my guitar lesson would have ended very differently had we communicated our desire). My wife finds the guitar lesson story amusing. As she puts it, we both went home with more self confidence issues that night. And it’s way easier to let someone else make the decisions for you. And when one person is making the decisions (such as the sexually aggressive female or the cesspool man), it’s easy to get hurt when they make a decision that doesn’t have your best interest at heart. They were making selfish decisions in the first place. Why should it change after an established relationship?

At least the comedy will continue. The contestant is after all looking for true love… while making out with multiple people a week… even having sex with three people in a row (yep, the top three have the option of a private room)… that’s true love… at least in the Steven Tyler sense of the word.

2011 Did Not Change The World

Last year, the stats for Ideas That Won’t Change The World included a whole post where I could make snide comments and asides. This year, the stats direct to a page where I can’t make any remarks. So it’s rather boring.

So before I bore you all with how this blog did in 2011, I want to open this blog up to other writers. If are a comedy writer or know a comedy writer that loves to work for no pay but plenty of thanks, contact me. Leave a comment in this post with a link to their work. While I love writing the comedy, I think Ideas That Won’t Change The World could use some other voices.

So here is 2011 that didn’t change a thing:

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,200 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 53 trips to carry that many people.

Here is my one snide remark: My blog as a cable car… right… and sometimes I stretch for analogy.

Click here to see the complete report.