Earthlings

While reading the news this morning, I read an article titled What if there were another advanced species? The child within me really likes this idea. Being a Dungeons and Dragons fan ever since I was a wee lad, I remember really wanting to go on adventures. In fact, I had even fashioned a quarterstaff and used a fanny pack as my spell pouch. My wife thinks my childhood wizard fantasies are hilarious. Which of course, they are.

If I got my wish as a kid and was sucked into a Dungeons and Dragons portal, I’d probably would have been eaten by a Gelatinous Cube, which is by far the silliest monster. It’s a cube of slime or something. The only way to be really slain by one is walk right into it. Being that my whole life was spent walking into things I shouldn’t — cacti, poison oak, the ladies’ room, etc. — my adventuring would have been cut short by a crafty cube of oozing death. If I had survived the encounter, I would be able to meet all sorts of fantastical beings, most of which would want to eat me for breakfast.

What if Earth really did have many intelligent races living on the planet? The article states that a whole bunch of war is the result. But humanity seems to be getting past war. Sure, there have been plenty of wars in the modern era but compare today with the medieval era when wars would break out for mistimed bodily functions.

King: Greetings, our kingdom celebrates this new peace treaty with…

A short toot of the buttocks.

King: DEATH TO THE NEIGHBORING LANDS!

Or the Roman era:

General: Hail, Caesar!

Long fart noise…

General: Umm… hang on… I’m almost done.

Fart noise continues…

Caesar: Do we really need this guy in court?

Adviser: He’s your cousin…

Fart patters to a halt.

General: Ahhh… that’s better. I’ve been holding that in since France.

Caesar: Fantastic! Great to see you! You did such a good job. I’m going to send you out again. Conquer… um… that big island…

Adviser: England.

Caesar: England. Go conquer England. Great! Goodbye! Have a safe trip!

Farts start up again.

General: Sorry, I get gassy when I’m excited.

Either-way suffice to say, we are emerging from a fairly violent past and our current times are way more tolerant than they used to be. What if there were other intelligent Earthlings on the planet like a Dungeons and Dragons fantasy world? Would Orcs form civil liberties unions and sue Tolkien for racism and slander? Would dragons complain about their portrayal in Western culture?

Humans have trouble accepting other people’s sexuality much less sex with other beings. Judging others consenting private practices never made sense to me. Why would you care who someone else has sex with? It’s not like you have fuck who they fuck.

Bob: Why are you dry humping me?

Fred: Bro, I’m not gay. I’m just doing this to show you that I accept your sexuality.

Bob slaps Fred.

Bob: Twit.

Now what would fantasy races do to the concept of sexuality? Lesbian-Gay-Bi-Trans-Questioning-Ally-Orc-Elf-Gnome-Halfling-Tiefling-Dwarf-Goblin-Dragonborn-Hobgoblin-Bugbear-Lizard People-Kobold-Undead-Underdark-Elemental-

… 25 pages of this post have been cut for your convenience…

Mind Flayer-Beholder-Gelatinous Cube Alliance wishes to support the members of the Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

… 25 more pages …

Mind Flayer Beholder Gelatinous Cube community. No matter if you are Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

… This why we don’t have meetings anymore …

Mind Flayer Beholder or even a Gelatinous Cube we accept your sexuality. We welcome all Lesbian Gay Bi Trans Questioning Ally Orc Elf Gnome Halfling Tiefling Dwarf Goblin Dragonborn Hobgoblin Bugbear Lizard People Kobold Undead Underdark Elemental

This is the part of the post where a Monty Python style 16 ton weight drops down to end the-

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