The Flush Mob

Science has reached a new pinnacle. They have answered the question that keeps everyone up at night. What if every toilet in the US flushed at the same time? Considering the year is 2012, I’ve always wondered how it will all end. If we could choose the way go, 350 million toilets flushing at the same time would be my choice.

The Flush Mob In Action

Swirl of civil action

So I urge everyone to get together to make the first ever “flush mob”. We can start small in public restrooms with a boombox blaring out YMCA and move to larger displays such as the 1812 Overture in large stadium bathrooms. But rest assured, we will not stop until the entire US is part of the “flush mob.”

Why bother galvanizing the people to get together to help the environment, end violence, bridge the class divide, or other such silliness?

Bystander: He’s going to say it.

We need to start a grass poops movement…

Bystander: (sigh) He said it.

Toilets are the most important issue facing the world today. We should dedicate all our energy and our efforts. I would start a petition for such a noble cause but I am too busy flushing my toilet and giggling. How does the water know which way to go each time? Amazing!

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The Romulan Senate Gives You A Sad Face

I read an article about a cloaked alien ship near Mercury. The conspirator thinks that an ejection from the sun revealed the cloaked ship. The scientist says that it’s a data processing glitch. I say that it’s Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz. My explanation is of course the most plausible and if you don’t believe me or even to attempt to disprove me, I’ll accuse you of spreading disinformation. I’ll let the video speak for itself:

Didn’t that look exactly like Jimmy Hoffa’s grandmother hooked to an MK-ULTRA device by Elvis while Kennedy’s assassins order a Mayan calender shaped pizza from the CIA prepared by an inmate that traveled through time from 1960’s Alcatraz?

I think this Mercurial UFO is quintessential of good conspiracies. The official explanation of “artifacts in data processing” is the kind of explanation that has the UFOlogists saying, “You can do better than that. You are not even trying to cover it up!” And thus we come to fatal flaw of conspiracy theory. Any explanation, aside from Romulan Senate spying on pre-federation Earth, is considered a cover-up.

I don’t find it hard to believe in aliens. It’s a big universe that’s about 13 billion years out. Conversely, humans went from tribes to spaceflight in a couple thousand. Another species of intelligent beings possessing a “warp drive” technology really isn’t that far fetched. I read an article about figuring out how to slow the ship down safely is the key making it an reality. I figure a species with a million years head start probably had enough time to figure out quick transit between vast interstellar distances.

Whether or not they have visited Earth or are more specifically hiding behind Mercury is where I remain skeptical. Let’s go back to the it’s a big universe concept. There is a chance that humans may be completely unremarkable. What if aliens visited the planet today, and wrote “Pre-warp bipedal species” or “Mostly Harmless” (to quote Douglas Adams) in their catalog before moving on. All the other aliens may see this entry and spend their time elsewhere in the galaxy.