Great Conspiracies

Since I am a purveyor of fine truths since 2010, I want to shed light on some of the more notorious cover-ups in history.

What happened: In 2004, George Bush won the election against John Kerry after a voter recount.

What Really Happened: Toucan Sam really won the election. What we don’t know is that breakfast cereal icons rule the country with Stalinesque tactics. Toucan Sam put razor blades in Cap’n Crunch’s cereal thus leading to the myth of the Cap’s cereal cutting your mouth.

What Happened: The Mayan calender ends in December 2012 inspiring apocalypse theories everywhere.

What Really Happened: After chewing on some coco leaves, two Mayans had a conversation that went like this:

Mayan One: Bro, bro… Wouldn’t it be funny if we just ended the calender?

Mayan Two: Huh?

Mayan One: Hear me out bro. We can just totally stop the calender and people will be like, oh shit man… there’s like, no calender, man! Now there’s no time, bro!

Mayan Two: You are so high.

Mayan One: Seriously, bro! They’d like freak out because without time, they wouldn’t know when to go to their doctor’s appointments!

Mayan Two: You should see a doctor.

Mayan One: Dude, you watch me. I’m going to end the calender. People will totally wig! It will be the biggest prank ever! A prank thousands of years in the making!

Mayan One exits in a huff.

Mayan Two: You won’t be alive to see it.

What Happened: Kennedy was shot by a guy on the grassy knoll.

What Really Happened: It was actually Lee Harvey Oswald that shot him. Except he was on the grassy knoll and the book depository. Lee has a twin brother that looks like this:

Doesn’t this guy totally look like he is ready to kill Kennedy? If any person is going to go crazy shooting up the place, it’s this guy. That mad grin expresses the joy he must get from killing people. If some one is going to be a president killer, it’s this guy right here. I bet if we scroll down, we’d totally see he is way happy because he has these assassin weapons locked and loaded.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Um. . .

 

What Happened: Terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001 with commercial airplanes.

What Really Happened: Despite the slew of witnesses in the most populated city in the world, it was really the aliens from Independence Day. They are actually a race that often flies giant ships over every strategic city in the world and charge a giant beacon that looks like a city wide firestorm. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith happened to be in New York that day and kicked ET’s ass.

They realized later that the aliens were peaceful and the beacon was charging not a weapon of mass destruction but a giant Lite Brite. They were only trying to say, “We like kitties” and create a picture with a misshaped cat. Will and Jeff were pretty embarrassed so they covered up the mistake with Will Smith’s memory erasing device from the Men in Black films. Like any great conspiracies, the one with the most complicated an convoluted set of the circumstances is the easiest one to believe.

ZAP!

Will Smith just told me to redecorate my house! Now what was I writing?