The Robot Sexocalypse

For the three people that are regular readers of Ideas That Won’t Change the World, I’ve been predicting the robocalypse for a long time. In all my unjustified fear and ignorance of something new and ingenious, I never thought about the sexocalypse. Innovators of robotic technology are now seeking for ways to replace the “world’s oldest profession” with robots. And by “world’s oldest profession”, I naturally mean the village idiot.

Caveman One: I’ll give you three rocks if you swallow an electric eel.

Caveman Two: Three rocks! That’s three months salary! Obligatory dialogue!

Cavevillage Idiot: Four rocks! And I’ll also swallow a cobra!

Caveman One: Done!

Cavevillage Idiot: Haha! Suckers.

Unfortunately, the robotic village idiot was run over by a semi after waving it’s bum at traffic. So we now turn to robotics to fill the needs of the “world’s second oldest profession” — prostitution. Yes, the sex industry is seeking to improve the sex doll.

Roboc Penis... You sure missed out.

She turns her head slowly to gaze at you when you aren't paying attention. You blink. She's another step closer. Is that a knife? Or are you imaging things?

The improved sex doll may actually be an idea that will indeed change the world. Once you get past the notion that the dolls looks like a creature that will decapitate you in your sleep, they will benefit society.  According to the article I read, “sex with a robot won’t sound nearly as weird or creepy by 2050 as it does today.”

Thank god for that! In another forty years, we’ll have creepy robot doll sex parties! Just when I am getting to the age of retirement too! Instead of resigning to my fate of being a pervy old man that writes formal complaints about always being assigned a male nurse, I can be a real pervy old man with robot sex dolls!

All joking aside, I actually think the robot sex doll is a good idea. While I don’t think I’d partake in robot sex, I think that many people would — especially if they looked at little less like a Doctor Who villain and more like a person that you’d actually want to have sex with. I’d imagine that the device would cut down the spread of disease, sex slavery, and other such ills of the prostitution world.  If people want to have a robot sexocalypse, I say have at it.

The only problem with the prostitute droids is installing an A.I. interface. The interface will bring up all sorts of questions like: Do A.I.’s have consciousness? Do they deserve all the same rights and privileges of every human being? If you made a sex doll that talks for hours about it’s idea for a science fiction novel with no interest in two-way conversation, would people want to have sex with it?

Before we start violating the rights of sentient A.I. beings, just remember they can wield bigger guns — as well as bigger breasts. So when a large breasted woman holding a bazooka with one hand tells you no, she means it. Furthermore, when any woman tells you no, she means that too. A one night stand with your hand in the bathroom is better than a lifetime in prison with a companion named The Ape.

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