One Hour Consipracy

This week I thought I’d do a little bit of shameless self promotion. However, not to fear there still will be comedy. That is to say I’ve entered one of my full length comedy scripts into Amazon Studios, a screenwriting contest. There is a way to read, rate, and review the screenplays entered into the contest and those reviews help out the writer. So if you would like to read the script and review it for me, that would be awesome. Just click the link below and it will take you to the project home page.

One Hour Conspiracy

Check out the short version of the script that my friend Jason animated a while back:

15 Better Ways to Yell Drunkenly From Your Balcony

While I was walking down the street today at roughly 11 am, a drunk man wielding a beer beer bottle yelled at me from his apartment. Aside the from the severe case of alcoholism implied with an 11 am binge, the man had some serious issues. And by serious, I mean failed to articulate anything to me besides, “Hey… Hey… Hey… Guy… Guy… Guy… Hey… Hey…” Communication is a gift that many squander so I think it’s my duty to provide help with this issue. So I now present to you 15 Better Ways to Yell Drunkenly From Your Balcony.

1. “Hey… Hey… Guy… Guy… I have a method for you to make money from your own home. Guy… Hey… Hey… It’s only two hours of work a week. Hey… Guy… HAHA made you look! I don’t have any money making ideas. I’m just yelling drunkenly.”

2. “Hey… Guy… I just saved money on my car insurance… It’s a shame they took my license away for drinking so much.”

3. “Did you know that sea levels are expected to rise by 18 feet due to global warming? Do you think that my pee will affect it? I really got to pee!”

4. “Who do you think would win in a bar fight? Chuck Norris or Jackie Chan? Chuck can end anyone with one fist but Jackie kicks ass with props. There are a ton of props inside a bar. I can be a Drunken Master…”

5. “Speaking of a bar fight… Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. A guy named Mitt is probably a marine that eats people for breakfast. Obama sounds like some ancient fighting style. Dude… I think I’m going to puke.”

6.”If I puke from a balcony, will it dent the sidewalk? I heard if you drop a penny from way high, it will cause black holes and end the world. Or is that the Large Hadron Collider?”

7. “Hey… Guy… I’m feeling very venerable right now. Will you hold me? Not like gay hold me but hold me. Comfort me. It’s a crazy world out there.”

8. “What the fuck, bro! I wanted you to hold me!”

9. “Hey… guy…  I’m sorry bro. I often mistake other men for my father. Dude, seriously bro, I only drink to numb the pain.”

10. “Dude… Guy… Do you think I can be a cage fighter? I can totally kick… people’s… I’m dizzy.”

11. “Guy… I don’t even know you but I already feel like you’re my best friend. Look at all the stuff we have in common. I’m on a balcony and you’re on the street.”

12. “Don’t you fuck with my friend. He’s walking on my sidewalk! THAT’S MY SIDEWALK!”

13. “Sorry guy, that Prius was looking at you funny. I can kick the ass of any car that goes down this street.”

14. “Hey… guy… you want to come up for a bit and drink some beers while I cry about where my life went wrong?”

15. “Fuck you guy! Just keep walking! You are not the only pedestrian who walks down my block!”

Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre Free Ebook

I’d like to announce the official release of my third collection of humor essays: Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre. As a special treat for those of you that have been following Ideas That Won’t Change The World, I am giving the Ebook version away for free for the next five days (the free offer ends Sunday 20th, 2012). That’s right, completely free. Invite your friends to get their free copy and chat about the book via this Facebook event!

Q: But wait, how much will this free book cost?

A: It’s free.

Q: As long as I watch a timeshare video?

A: Nope, what part of free do you not comprehend?

Q: I have to sign my kidney away to you when I die?

A: No, there is really nothing you have to do. Just download the book.

Q: Can I give you my kidney anyway?

A: I don’t  know what I’d do with it.

Q: You never know, you might meet an evil deity that requires kidneys to appease them!

A: Just download the book.

Q: How?

A: Click on the image below:

Click here for your free copy!

Gay Marriage Versus Dinosaur Farts

People seem to have the wrong focus in our country. Some news stories make headlines while the more important ones go overlooked. Who really cares about the president supporting gay marriage when important issues like dinosaur flatulence are being hotly debated by scientists. Sure, North Carolina has decided to waive their ass at civil rights and make second class citizens out of LGBT’s by amending their constitution against gay marriage, but what’s more important? The ass of a dinosaur or the ass of North Carolina?

The answer is obvious, dinosaurs! They can crush cars, eat scientists, and even make cups of water ripple. North Carolina can’t do any of that! So what if a couple has lived in a faithful committed relationship can’t get a tax break because they are the same sex? Dinosaurs could destroy the planet!

Three story fart factories

If you think I am kidding, scientists basically theorize the global temperature was warmer during Dino times because of their farts. That’s pretty scary considering what a dinosaur would do if unleashed on the unwitting populace. You think not being able to have decision power if your same sex partner goes to the hospital is bad? Try an army of farting T-Rexs!

We really should be mailing our senators to warn them about Dino flatulence rather than worrying about what people do to show their love for each other. If farts can cause havoc, imagine what Dino poop would cause! Cities would be decimated if your pet raptor got into the trash and ate all your left over chili cheese dogs! The poopocalypse is way more troublesome than married gay couples trying to turn everyone else gay (because that’s what would happen, trust me on this, I have lots of experience in baseless claims). Compare these two scenarios:

Scenario 1:

The doorbell rings. A clean cut man answers. There is a GayHovah’s Witness couple at the door.

GayHovah’s Witness: Have you ever thought of the power of gay?

GayHovah’s Witness 2: I dance!

Man: No thanks, my wife and I are atheists.

GayHovah’s Witness: The good Gaylord, the owner of Pink Pumpers 80’s Club on 4th, loves everyone! And wants to save you.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance!

Man: No seriously…

GayHovah’s Witness: Can we at least leave literature at the door?

Man (reading): Why everyone is gay and doesn’t know it? Hey! I look good in purple. That doesn’t make me gay.

GayHovah’s Witness: See honey, everyone is gay.

GayHovah’s Witness 2: We dance! Dance! Come Dance!

Man: Oh.. but… fine!

He dances with them. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses come to the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Looks like those gays got to him first. We better start bugging people at bus stops.

Scenario 2:

A man walking his Diplodocus stands next to a couple of stories high pile of shit. A police officer approaches.

Man: Mr. Pique. What did you do?

Police Officer: You going to clean that up or will I have to cite you?

Man: I didn’t bring any bags.

A woman climbs out of the pile. She gasps for breath.

Woman: There is an elementary school in there! You need to save them.

The police officer’s radio crackles.

Radio: We have a 212 in progress.

Police Officer: I’m on it.

Woman: Where are you going? What about the children?

Police Officer: 212 is code for gay marriage in progress.

Woman: Oh no.. You better go…

Police officer dashes away.

Man: I am certainly glad he is stopping those gays.

Woman: I know. We wouldn’t want our children to learn any warped morals likes it’s OK to love.

Man: Say, you want to get married?

Woman: Only if you beat me and get divorced in 3 years after we have two kids!

Man: Deal. So here is some Dino lessons. Never feed them after midnight. They may shit on your house during the night…

They walk away. A kid climbs from the poo gasping for breath.

Kid: Jerks.

We need to get issues like dinosaur farts in the open. Mainly because you don’t want to be in a room with a dinosaur when it farts.

Jim Bob’s Methods for a Better Healthier You

Hi, I’m Jim Bob and I got some more health tips for you. Fit and healthy lifestyles can be achieved by anyone. I’m sure health experts have a shit ton of advice. I have more shit tons of advice. And who do you trust? A scientist that has been studying their whole life? Locked up in some basement? That don’t sound healthy to me.

You can trust me, Jim Bob, cause I can sound authoritative and shit on the Internet. Those scientists like working and they make you do all this work too. They tell you to do all this exercise crap and we all know that you can get really trim playing World of Warcraft 24 hours a day. Have you ever seen a World of Warcraft barbarian that wasn’t totally buff? So that’s why you are going to buy my program called Jim Bob’s Method for a Better Healthier You. It costs $3,000 but that’s way better than dieing. And you sure as fuck will die. Life is 100% fatal. Any scientists will tell you that. So buy my program. Here are some tips you’ll get:

1. Stop taking Meth. Trust me. You are way healthier without Meth. A lot of people ask me, “Jim Bob, won’t Meth help me lose weight?” And I’ll be, “In the short term yeah, but you lose all your teeth. And you need those to block stools in bar fights. Trust me, I’m an expert.” There are way better ways for short term weight loss. They put this chemical in mouthwash that makes you vomit (My AA buddies and I figured that one out on our own). So just chug mouthwash after you eat an entire chocolate cake. You get all the cake taste, none of the calories, and minty fresh breath.

2. Drink lots and lots of beer. Alcohol is what they use to kill bacteria. Bacteria is what makes you sick. Drinking beer is like blasting the bacteria with a death ray. You’ll feel great after you drink it. But don’t let your boss find out. That’s why I had to go to AA in the first place. Before I was making millions giving health advice, I operated this giant saw in a factory. We all know that operating a giant saw with a cold is unsafe so I needed to kill it with beer. If my boss still wanted his arm, he should have asked before taking away my beer. It’s his dumb ass that got in front of that saw. Besides, I needed something to wash down the whiskey.

3. Throw shit at your family. When Bobby Joe is running through the house, I usually throw a bottle at him. Or when Jannie is crying up a storm during the game because she needs to be changed, I throw a pizza at her. You work your throwin’ muscles and you don’t need to leave the couch. It also doubles as quality time with your kids, sometimes Bobby Joe catches the beer bottle so it’s like I’m playing catch. But mostly, the bottles just clunk upside his head.

4. Pay attention to the food you eat. For example, if you see a piece of shit in your fast food burger. Take a picture. Then take another picture of you with Hemorrhagic E Coli (If the burger with shit don’t give it to you, then swim in cow manure until you get it or eat broccoli. That stuff is loaded with vitamin C which stands for Coli). With the pictures, you are sure to win all sorts of money from a lawsuit. With all that money, you’ll be the healthiest person on the planet. Money buys anything. Trust me, I was in Thailand… ANYTHING!

Be sure to give that money to me and I’ll share the rest of the health tips with you. For example, smoking helps get rid of unwanted body tissue. A machine can do what lungs and vocal chords can do so why carry all that extra weight? You’ll also learn why steak is better than chicken, and why fried chicken is better than steak. I’ll also throw in my phone number if you are hot. So buy my program and you’ll be like me. Except I’m rich.