Hi, I’m Jim Bob and I got some more health tips for you. Fit and healthy lifestyles can be achieved by anyone. I’m sure health experts have a shit ton of advice. I have more shit tons of advice. And who do you trust? A scientist that has been studying their whole life? Locked up in some basement? That don’t sound healthy to me.
You can trust me, Jim Bob, cause I can sound authoritative and shit on the Internet. Those scientists like working and they make you do all this work too. They tell you to do all this exercise crap and we all know that you can get really trim playing World of Warcraft 24 hours a day. Have you ever seen a World of Warcraft barbarian that wasn’t totally buff? So that’s why you are going to buy my program called Jim Bob’s Method for a Better Healthier You. It costs $3,000 but that’s way better than dieing. And you sure as fuck will die. Life is 100% fatal. Any scientists will tell you that. So buy my program. Here are some tips you’ll get:
1. Stop taking Meth. Trust me. You are way healthier without Meth. A lot of people ask me, “Jim Bob, won’t Meth help me lose weight?” And I’ll be, “In the short term yeah, but you lose all your teeth. And you need those to block stools in bar fights. Trust me, I’m an expert.” There are way better ways for short term weight loss. They put this chemical in mouthwash that makes you vomit (My AA buddies and I figured that one out on our own). So just chug mouthwash after you eat an entire chocolate cake. You get all the cake taste, none of the calories, and minty fresh breath.
2. Drink lots and lots of beer. Alcohol is what they use to kill bacteria. Bacteria is what makes you sick. Drinking beer is like blasting the bacteria with a death ray. You’ll feel great after you drink it. But don’t let your boss find out. That’s why I had to go to AA in the first place. Before I was making millions giving health advice, I operated this giant saw in a factory. We all know that operating a giant saw with a cold is unsafe so I needed to kill it with beer. If my boss still wanted his arm, he should have asked before taking away my beer. It’s his dumb ass that got in front of that saw. Besides, I needed something to wash down the whiskey.
3. Throw shit at your family. When Bobby Joe is running through the house, I usually throw a bottle at him. Or when Jannie is crying up a storm during the game because she needs to be changed, I throw a pizza at her. You work your throwin’ muscles and you don’t need to leave the couch. It also doubles as quality time with your kids, sometimes Bobby Joe catches the beer bottle so it’s like I’m playing catch. But mostly, the bottles just clunk upside his head.
4. Pay attention to the food you eat. For example, if you see a piece of shit in your fast food burger. Take a picture. Then take another picture of you with Hemorrhagic E Coli (If the burger with shit don’t give it to you, then swim in cow manure until you get it or eat broccoli. That stuff is loaded with vitamin C which stands for Coli). With the pictures, you are sure to win all sorts of money from a lawsuit. With all that money, you’ll be the healthiest person on the planet. Money buys anything. Trust me, I was in Thailand… ANYTHING!
Be sure to give that money to me and I’ll share the rest of the health tips with you. For example, smoking helps get rid of unwanted body tissue. A machine can do what lungs and vocal chords can do so why carry all that extra weight? You’ll also learn why steak is better than chicken, and why fried chicken is better than steak. I’ll also throw in my phone number if you are hot. So buy my program and you’ll be like me. Except I’m rich.
Time Burrito 