While I was walking down the street today at roughly 11 am, a drunk man wielding a beer beer bottle yelled at me from his apartment. Aside the from the severe case of alcoholism implied with an 11 am binge, the man had some serious issues. And by serious, I mean failed to articulate anything to me besides, “Hey… Hey… Hey… Guy… Guy… Guy… Hey… Hey…” Communication is a gift that many squander so I think it’s my duty to provide help with this issue. So I now present to you 15 Better Ways to Yell Drunkenly From Your Balcony.
1. “Hey… Hey… Guy… Guy… I have a method for you to make money from your own home. Guy… Hey… Hey… It’s only two hours of work a week. Hey… Guy… HAHA made you look! I don’t have any money making ideas. I’m just yelling drunkenly.”
2. “Hey… Guy… I just saved money on my car insurance… It’s a shame they took my license away for drinking so much.”
3. “Did you know that sea levels are expected to rise by 18 feet due to global warming? Do you think that my pee will affect it? I really got to pee!”
4. “Who do you think would win in a bar fight? Chuck Norris or Jackie Chan? Chuck can end anyone with one fist but Jackie kicks ass with props. There are a ton of props inside a bar. I can be a Drunken Master…”
5. “Speaking of a bar fight… Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. A guy named Mitt is probably a marine that eats people for breakfast. Obama sounds like some ancient fighting style. Dude… I think I’m going to puke.”
6.”If I puke from a balcony, will it dent the sidewalk? I heard if you drop a penny from way high, it will cause black holes and end the world. Or is that the Large Hadron Collider?”
7. “Hey… Guy… I’m feeling very venerable right now. Will you hold me? Not like gay hold me but hold me. Comfort me. It’s a crazy world out there.”
8. “What the fuck, bro! I wanted you to hold me!”
9. “Hey… guy… I’m sorry bro. I often mistake other men for my father. Dude, seriously bro, I only drink to numb the pain.”
10. “Dude… Guy… Do you think I can be a cage fighter? I can totally kick… people’s… I’m dizzy.”
11. “Guy… I don’t even know you but I already feel like you’re my best friend. Look at all the stuff we have in common. I’m on a balcony and you’re on the street.”
12. “Don’t you fuck with my friend. He’s walking on my sidewalk! THAT’S MY SIDEWALK!”
13. “Sorry guy, that Prius was looking at you funny. I can kick the ass of any car that goes down this street.”
14. “Hey… guy… you want to come up for a bit and drink some beers while I cry about where my life went wrong?”
15. “Fuck you guy! Just keep walking! You are not the only pedestrian who walks down my block!”
Time Burrito 
I thought drunks said, heyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Drunk Dictionary –
Heyyyyy – I’m drunk
Woo – I’m drunk
Hey Baby – I’m drunk
Paaarty – I’m drunk
I’m sooooo wasted – I only took a sip to keep up appearances.
Of course. I must be out of practice, although it feels like just yesterday. Thanks for the fun blog.