The Class Divide

My wife and I bought a new car. My wife is especially pleased with this purchase because she doesn’t have to sit next to crazy homeless people on the bus anymore. I figure, if she really ever gets nostalgic for the good old days of riding the city bus, she could always pick up homeless people in the car. Don’t worry, I’ll be the nice guy and ride in the back.

Being a veteran of the city bus system myself, I totally understand creepy people on the bus phenomenon. The Albuquerque bus that goes from our house to the University of New Mexico passes through the rich part of town, the ghetto, the trendy rich part of town, the student apocalypse, and finally arriving at UNM within twenty minutes of when I entered the bus. Needless to say you get strange encounters on the bus.

For example, I was proffered rum and coke from a travel coffee mug on the bus once… at 9 am in the morning. A homeless man was very proud to show me his freshly dumpster dived fries and unopened condom (He also pointed to a store in the heart of the ghetto that he claims in sort of a conspiratorial tone “has soda pop for sale.”).  Meanwhile, on the very same bus line I over heard two young ladies discussing whether or not they would get a car that costs the same as my house for sweet sixteen.

Albuquerque is truly a strange mix of classes. While we were in college, my wife and I lived in a house in the ghetto. Our door was kicked in. Our bike that was chained to house was stolen while I was literally two feet away on the other side of a blinds shut window. We witnessed an accident where the driver tossed beer cans into the bushes than stumbled away. It was a neighborhood where Methlabs probably made neighborbood watches to watch for undercovers.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the park (not a very big park mind you) from our ghetto house, there was a mansion that looked like an ancient Greek temple. Another mansion was nestled far from the street in a property that took up a city block. I even swore that I saw one of our US Senators hanging outside one of the rich houses once (My wife and I usually walked the dog on the rich side).

Albuquerque is very strange in the sense that the class divide is less a divide and more  a mix. We do have our share of gated ridiculous communities. I remember meeting a guy, I knew in school and he invited us to his house in one of these communities. Let’s just say that he had an Andy Warhol original on the wall and his parents supposedly bought the house so he’d have a place to stay in college. Being a poor musician, writer, and filmmaker, why didn’t I stay in touch with a person that could probably bankroll a project with his pocket change? Meanwhile, in the same era of my life, I remember going to a party not to far away from the gated enclave where I peed in the bathtub because the sole toilet was monopolized by several puking and passed out people in an apartment that was discounted from welfare.

Albuquerque is truly an economic blend. The next time you go to Costco and buy large amounts of candy and try to resell them because you are part of a “youth organization” that is fundraising for a trip to Newcardonia make sure to have two signs. The poor sign and the rich sign. Either way, you’ll win.

Put the fun in fund!

Really put the “fun” in fundraising by knowing your target audience!

Advertisements

2012 Apocalypse Election

With the election not too far away, I wanted to give you my professional unbiased analysis of this year’s presidential candidates. And by professional, I mean some guy sitting at a computer. And by unbiased, I mean outrageously slanted. And by analysis, I mean that I’m completely making everything up.

Gay Marriage:

Obama: Had the balls to come out and say it. It’s about fucking time.

Romney: Sexual repression is not funny nor should you be laughing.

Healthcare:

Obama: Takes long overdue action to provide a service that most of the first world does for free.

Romney: Likes foreclosed houses from overdue medical bills.

Taxes:

Obama: Doesn’t use them to get rich people richer.

Romney: 1% of the wealth staying in the hands of the wealthy works great! Just look at what the banks did with it! I mean… the automotive industry… the pharmaceuticals… the real estate market… um… crap.

Energy:

Obama: Supports a system that won’t choke the planet.

Romney: Did we learn nothing from Enron??!?

Supreme Court:

Obama: Most likely to appoint Samuel L. Jackson as Supreme Court Justice.*

Romney: Most likely to appoint Arnold Schwarzenegger as Supreme Court Justice.*

*Though we here at Ideas That Won’t Change the World would like to see them battle it out for the seat. And not to give an unfair advantage but we’d like to see it on a mother fucking plane.

2012 Apocalypse:

Obama: Most likely to prevent it with policies that favor humans over greed.

Romney: Most likely to cause it. But not how you think. It’s a baking accident. Very messy…

Facebook:

Obama: 27,301,803 likes in a demographic too apathetic to vote.

Romney: 2,342,058 likes in a demographic thankfully too apathetic to vote.

The Relativistic Effects on the Flash

Since I have been up to my ears in promoting the new album, I don’t really have anything this week so I dusted off an old Bunny Droppings entry. Enjoy!

The Flash probably has a shitty dating life because of the Relativistic Effects of a person moving at near light speeds. For those of you that think I’m talking about a metal band, I’m referring to Einstein’s Special Relativity. Einstein, (for people that woke up in this strange new century of flying beasts and talking picture boxes) is the man that invented Tivo. The Germans kicked him out the country for wasting their time while they had important world domination plans (1). Einstein then came to the US where we got his picture taken with his tongue sticking out. This picture is now a poster on the walls of college dorms across America.

In layperson’s terms, the theory of relativity states that if a person moves at near light speed, they will age normally, while the universe ages around them at an accelerated pace (2). This is called Time Dilation, named after a metal band. The Flash is able to move at incredibly fast speeds, so it’s safe to assume that he would undergo some Relativistic Effects. I’m sure this causes issues in his dating life.

Young Woman: Do me now you big hot hunk of man beef!

The Flash does her.

Flash: How was that? Baby… Baby?

The shriveled remains of an eighty year old corpse lies on the bed.

Flash: Gross.

Another factor in the Flash’s love life from moving at high speeds is Length Contraction (3). Simply put, Length Contraction is when objects that go fast get shorter, including the penis. This can cause serious doubts in his manhood. Self confidence issues can lead to all sorts of things, like clicking on penis enlarging spam emails, then fifty pop-ups later finding a hot woman that will take her cloths off for you in front of webcam for 50 dollars! But only to be sad again because the penis is to small to enjoy the webcam experience. This leads to suicide.

So now the Flash is dead! You see? Are you happy now? Let’s see what Einstein has to say about that:

“I should have become a watchmaker.” -Einstein

Now let’s stop to think about this quote…

That’s exactly what I thought too. But how will we get so much latex gloves and chicken feathers?

In conclusion, I have finished writing and will now include footnotes.

(1) They later discovered that Einstein’s ideas could be used to make weapons of mass destruction such as recording reruns of Baywatch.

(2) Example: An Emo band crying about their lost girlfriends is moving at near light speed. They are still full of teen angst when they get back while the rest of the world will have moved on. What makes it different from today is that it’s eighty years in the future.

(3) Named after a New Wave band.