Since I have been up to my ears in promoting the new album, I don’t really have anything this week so I dusted off an old Bunny Droppings entry. Enjoy!
The Flash probably has a shitty dating life because of the Relativistic Effects of a person moving at near light speeds. For those of you that think I’m talking about a metal band, I’m referring to Einstein’s Special Relativity. Einstein, (for people that woke up in this strange new century of flying beasts and talking picture boxes) is the man that invented Tivo. The Germans kicked him out the country for wasting their time while they had important world domination plans (1). Einstein then came to the US where we got his picture taken with his tongue sticking out. This picture is now a poster on the walls of college dorms across America.
In layperson’s terms, the theory of relativity states that if a person moves at near light speed, they will age normally, while the universe ages around them at an accelerated pace (2). This is called Time Dilation, named after a metal band. The Flash is able to move at incredibly fast speeds, so it’s safe to assume that he would undergo some Relativistic Effects. I’m sure this causes issues in his dating life.
Young Woman: Do me now you big hot hunk of man beef!
The Flash does her.
Flash: How was that? Baby… Baby?
The shriveled remains of an eighty year old corpse lies on the bed.
Another factor in the Flash’s love life from moving at high speeds is Length Contraction (3). Simply put, Length Contraction is when objects that go fast get shorter, including the penis. This can cause serious doubts in his manhood. Self confidence issues can lead to all sorts of things, like clicking on penis enlarging spam emails, then fifty pop-ups later finding a hot woman that will take her cloths off for you in front of webcam for 50 dollars! But only to be sad again because the penis is to small to enjoy the webcam experience. This leads to suicide.
So now the Flash is dead! You see? Are you happy now? Let’s see what Einstein has to say about that:
“I should have become a watchmaker.” -Einstein
Now let’s stop to think about this quote…
That’s exactly what I thought too. But how will we get so much latex gloves and chicken feathers?
In conclusion, I have finished writing and will now include footnotes.
(1) They later discovered that Einstein’s ideas could be used to make weapons of mass destruction such as recording reruns of Baywatch.
(2) Example: An Emo band crying about their lost girlfriends is moving at near light speed. They are still full of teen angst when they get back while the rest of the world will have moved on. What makes it different from today is that it’s eighty years in the future.
(3) Named after a New Wave band.