With the election not too far away, I wanted to give you my professional unbiased analysis of this year’s presidential candidates. And by professional, I mean some guy sitting at a computer. And by unbiased, I mean outrageously slanted. And by analysis, I mean that I’m completely making everything up.
Obama: Had the balls to come out and say it. It’s about fucking time.
Romney: Sexual repression is not funny nor should you be laughing.
Obama: Takes long overdue action to provide a service that most of the first world does for free.
Romney: Likes foreclosed houses from overdue medical bills.
Obama: Doesn’t use them to get rich people richer.
Romney: 1% of the wealth staying in the hands of the wealthy works great! Just look at what the banks did with it! I mean… the automotive industry… the pharmaceuticals… the real estate market… um… crap.
Obama: Supports a system that won’t choke the planet.
Romney: Did we learn nothing from Enron??!?
Obama: Most likely to appoint Samuel L. Jackson as Supreme Court Justice.*
Romney: Most likely to appoint Arnold Schwarzenegger as Supreme Court Justice.*
*Though we here at Ideas That Won’t Change the World would like to see them battle it out for the seat. And not to give an unfair advantage but we’d like to see it on a mother fucking plane.
Obama: Most likely to prevent it with policies that favor humans over greed.
Romney: Most likely to cause it. But not how you think. It’s a baking accident. Very messy…
Obama: 27,301,803 likes in a demographic too apathetic to vote.
Romney: 2,342,058 likes in a demographic thankfully too apathetic to vote.