A New Day For Women’s Rights

Women have reached a whole new level of liberation! Equal salary? Human rights in male dominated societies? A focus on the person rather than body image? A bikini that injects Botox? No… the ability to walk freely in the wild during their menstrual cycle and avoid bear attacks.

Recent scientific discovery has proven that bears will not target women because of their period. So a woman can take that camping trip during that time of the month when her husband usually uses it as an excuse to go fishing. She can cover her dead beat husband and that cheating bitch with food in their sleep, and watch as they are mauled to death by the bear who has no interest in feminine hygiene. She can come back one month later and not fear any bear attack while she waits for the insurance investigator to declare that big fat life insurance check legally hers.

Rejoice women of the world! Yogi is not interested in your menstruation! Sounds like we need a tampon commercial! 

There are bears outside! Cross your legs!

 A group of women sit at a coffee shop. They really enjoy life.

Francina: Have you ever noticed that whenever we go to a coffee shop we talk about women specific issues?

Evelina: (giggles) It’s because we are care free and enjoy life!

Lindalina: We don’t let things like tampons stop us from enjoying life!

Fredicalina: But do your tampons prevent bear attacks?

Evelina: (giggles) I enjoy life!

Fredicalina: That’s nice dear.

Lindalina: My tampon prevents bear attacks and as well as leaves me with a warm fresh feeling inside.

Lindalina pulls out a suit of armor with a tampon in the crotch region. Fredicalina pushes the suit of armor away and pulls out a normal tampon.

Fredicalina: Throw that old tampon away! Science has proven that Cloudie Tampons will prevent bear attacks and are especially designed for women on the go!

Evelina looses control with giggling.

Evelina: I … hee hee… ha… ha… enjoy… he… he… ha.. enjoy… he… ha… life.

Fredicalina: Shut… up.

Evelina: He…

Fredicalina shoots Evelina.

Lindalina: Wow! This is a great tampon and I don’t feel that I have to be embarrassed by it.

Francina: I know. Tampons can be so embarrassing. Check mine out.

Francina stands up. There is something in her skirt big enough to knock over the table and all the dishes crash to the ground.

Francina: A bear can’t get through this!

Bears maul Francina. Fredicalina tosses a tampon to Lindalina. They “sword fight” the bears…

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Why LA Will Never Be Destroyed

Soon, my wife and I will be visiting the city that is destroyed in almost every disaster movie — LA. However, I really don’t think LA will ever be destroyed like in the movies.  Here are some typical city destruction scenarios and what LA will do about it:

Tsunami – Lady Gaga’s hair will quickly be mobilized to create a seawall rendering the oncoming wave completely enamored with her quirky sensibility. Though the wave will later be caught up in a stalking drama. Only after Lady Gaga and the wave have a stern conversation about what makes the wave unique will the wave leave her be and cruise on over to the third world. That’s how America keeps the export our problems to the third world business strong.

Earthquake – Although most believe a 10.0 is eventually how LA will fall into the ocean, the city has a secret weapon. Action stars, Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel, and Steven Seagal have coordinated a dance routine which involves jumping the opposite direction of the earthquake thus quelling the churning Earth.

Volcano – While Tommy Lee Jones has already figured this one out years ago, he is getting up there in years. City officials will probably just toss the entire cast of Twilight into the boiling caldera to appease the fire gods. If that doesn’t work, there are a couple of boy bands that might do the trick. Trust me, there are many options for volcanic sacrifices. Expect humor writers… lava deities don’t like them… too salty.

Tommy Lee Appeasing Fire Gods

Ummm… Tommy? Why are we heading toward the caldera?

Tornado – Despite being far from tornado country, Bill Paxton will know what to do. Why? Bill Paxton always knows what to do. That’s just what he does. Takes care of business. Do people thank him? Nope, but he keeps going anyway. He is after all, Bill Paxton.

Hurricane/Typhoon – All the money flowing in from the Dodgers would normally stifle the energy of the storm rendering it a gentle breeze. After the 2011 bankruptcy of the team, the state had to contract the hurricane protection to illegal immigrants. No, they aren’t throwing illegal immigrants at the hurricane, sicko. They are replacing the Dodgers with illegal immigrants as a cost saving measure.

Alien Invasion – In-N-Out Burger.

We Need Just a Liter or Six

Last night was like a Doctor Who episode. My students were called out of the classroom to help the medical assisting students practice their blood drawing skills. Of course, my school really is a career college and not an alien plot to experiment on human test subjects… right? RIGHT?

The cast

When I see one of these folks running down the halls at my school, I’ll know…

Aside from the fact that a civilization advanced enough for interstellar space flight experimenting on a civilization that has barely left their solar system is rather silly.  Aliens really don’t need subterfuge to experiment on the public. All they really need is to make a reality television show.

People really will do anything to be on television. I’d imagine there will be droves of volunteers for shows like “What’s my Radiation Tolerance?”, “All Your Internal Organs Are Showing”, and “Human Centipede Big Brother”. People do really strange things for free without being on television. What if the aliens could guarantee that they would be streamed by millions of viewers?

Imagine a school. Wired with cameras. Aliens lurking through the halls. A light flickers off and on. Then a little note appears on bottom of the screen. “Who do think will bite it this week? #WeeklyDeath Tweet now!” But I am guessing the Doctor will bring down the whole television system if that really did happen. Who’s the doctor I am talking about? Doctor Whaz of course. He is the doctor you get when you can’t afford the rights to Doctor Who.

Doctor Whaz: There be aliens in this house, bitches!

Bitches: Oh… oh… Doctor. Oh no… Let us massage you.

Doctor Whaz: Hang on bitches, there be enough doctor lovin’ to go around.

Bitch: Can I fondle your penis?

Doctor Whaz: Now we are talkin’

Student: An alien is sucking my brain.

Doctor Whaz: Always when I’m making love! Give me my sonic bling.

Alien: Join us Doctor! Even though my plan is philosophically against everything you believe in, I will pretty much try to appeal to you in what seems like a reasonable request according to my warped sense of logic!

Doctor Whaz: Tempting but I rather drink forties with my hoes.

The sonic bling is just too much for the alien and it explodes!

Student: Thanks! What kind of doctor are you again?

Doctor Whaz: I am the doctor of love, and the doctor is in!

Student: Whaz that…

Doctor Whaz: Come on bitches! Back to the TARDIMP.

Student: The TARDIMP?

Doctor Whaz: The Time and Relative Dimension in my Pants!

The time travel noise is rather bassy and sounds strangely like a party…