The bible tells us that the world will end. The bible also tells us that if someone rapes our daughters, the rapist can marry them if they pay off the father. But let’s ignore the fact that the bible can be wrong on some occasions and assume the world will end. One of the signs of the apocalypse is the rivers turning to blood. China’s Yangtze river turned red. Thus, I have pretty solid proof of the apocalypse.
If you still are not convinced of the final days of Earth. I also have some solid irrefutable proof. Take this passage prophesized by ancient mystics who possessed the gift of sight:
These words of wisdom are everywhere. They’re on billboards, TV ads, and even fast food restaurants. Any good conspiracy writer knows that seeing a pattern more than twice means global cabal or something at the very least diabolical. Conspiracies must be at the very heart of society to be worth anything. But what could the soothsayers be saying when they ask us to think outside the bun? Just what is “the bun” anyway? Because I am really qualified in paranoia, I will do all the thinking for you. Fret not! So long as you read my blog and my theories, you’ll never have to think for yourself again.
In today’s fast paced on the go society, critical thinking seems like it takes too much time. You have important things to accomplish – like sharing that god awful Rebecca Black video with your co-workers every Friday. You also have that bus to catch. And why think on the bus? Your phone has 365 days worth of music. Thinking is hard and kind of a waste of time when there are blogs to do it for you. Besides, maybe Rebecca Black will release a new song about Mondays. Wouldn’t that cheer up the dull office? Your co-workers will really appreciate-
BLAM!
We apologize for the inconvenience. The narrator has been shot and out sourced to another country were the employees learned English in a two week on the job training course:
Conspiracy bun thinking outside of. Taking into account thinking. Hard working but we apologize. Free month credit to account. Bun thinking very out of-
BLAM!
We apologize for the interruption again. The country destabilized in a military coup. Though we will provide better service because the new dictator has no concept of civil rights will pay highly skilled workers pennies on the dollar. Enjoy!
What does “think outside the bun” mean anyway? The Earth is very obviously a bun. You can tell by when a celiac touches the ground, they die. Because the Earth is a giant bun, there must be some sort of meat product in the center. Since no one is eating the meat product, it must be rotting and turning the rivers red!
The soothsayers were warning us! They were telling us to think outside the bun because the planet is rotting! If the planet were fries, then we’d be safe because fries never decompose. Ever notice how when you find a fry in your car seat, it looks brand new even though you lost it years ago?
Meat decomposes. In fact, when I was in high school, I used to drive a minivan (Shut up! My parents weren’t rich. It was a hand me down). So needless to say, I was always the driver among my friends. One summer, my friends and I decided to treat ourselves to a steak house. One of my friends ordered a rare steak. The steak was still mooing. He only ate half of it.
Months later, when I was cleaning out my minivan, I found tinfoil under the seat. Not really thinking that there could be biohazard material in there, I decided to see what was inside. My teenage years were in Albuquerque. 100 degree summers… Yep… Let’s just say I was lucky I didn’t become the first victim of what was a fundamentally a new life form.
Now think about how global warming comes into play. The meat in the planet’s bun is over heating. Disaster is fairly nigh. The ancients told us to think outside the bun because they want us to get off the planet before it starts to smell! I strongly urge you to write letters to your governments. Tell them we need a Taco Bell in space! It’s the only thing that will save the planet. Don’t worry, I have plan to build it. Bruce Willis and a rag tag group of brave adventurers can construct it while I collect that Taco Bell celebrity endorsement check… um I mean. DOOOM! DOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! Write those letters.
Time Burrito 