My wife and I are finally going to our 2 year late honeymoon in Berlin. Ideas that Won’t Change the World will be on hold while I am there. As luck would have it, we are going back again to Europe in 2013 with her family because they found this amazing deal for a week in Ireland. What better way for me to celebrate two years of international travel than with a post 25 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Europe. See you all when I get back or kicked out…
1. Try to rebuild the Berlin wall. Insist that it’s for the public good.
2. Write a food column that scores every dish from France really low and scores every McDonald’s value meal really high.
3. Pantless Travel. On second thought… probably not a bad idea.
4. Get really angry when people don’t speak to you in “American”.
5. Insist there is only one true football.
6. Invade Poland.
7. Urinate on great works of art.
8. Attempt to reclaim Rome. Explain that you are a descendent of Caesar. Cite your “fine Roman nose” as proof.
9. Try to scalp tickets to “front row” seats for physician assisted suicide in Zurich.
10. The sex offender run after the bulls.
11. Tell everyone you meet in Ireland just how British they are.
12. Travel Eastern Europe in search of vampires. Make sure to clarify that you are looking for economic vampires devaluing the strength of the Euro.
13. Tell the British to stop rewriting American television shows.
14. Ask customs if you need to declare illegal gun, drug, and terrorism trade.
15. Keep insisting “this is how they do it in America.”
16. Walk into every store and proclaim loudly, “I can’t believe they have _________________ here!”
17. Urinate on public officials.
18. Explain the Iraq war as the “first step in world domination and we are coming for you next.” Then do the eye thing.
19. National tackle an Interpol agent day is only respected in America.
20. Tell the English they got their national anthem wrong and the words are “amber waves of grain and shit.”
21. Urinate on any building over 300 years old.
22. Claim that you are a time traveling secret police agent from the Eastern Block. Well up in tears when they explain the fall of communism and say that you must tighten security in the past.
23. The cliffs in Croatia? You made them. Take ownership!
24. Go from city to city and ask if this is the place where you can shoot up and they won’t arrest you. Do it regardless of the answer.
25. Urinate on people in the park. Claim you thought they were homeless.