10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe from Sexual Predators

While children are in no greater risk from sexual predators on Halloween than any other day of the year, better safe than sorry. Here are some tips to avoid sexual predators this Halloween.

1. Rig your kid with explosive paint dye. Use that dye they put in fake bills for bank robberies.

2. Adopt Newt Gringrich as your child. Ain’t nobody touching that shit!

3. Dress your child like the abusive family member that sent the sexual predator on his path of crime.

4. Those kids would sure be safe if those fake guns were real!

5. Hire a ninja to watch your child.

6. Since children being hit by a car is the only safety issue that statistically increases on Halloween, drive erratically down the road. The creeps won’t get your child if you hit them with a car.

7. Offer yourself instead.

8. Don’t let your child do anything. Ever. Just ignore the fact that crime rates have been dropping since the nineties and use paranoia to dictate your child’s life.

9. If you see a street full of kids but they all seem to disappear at one house, don’t let your kids stop at that house.

10. Hire a dwarf actor to trick-or-treat with your kids. Nothing turns off the sexual predators more than facial hair.

3 Freakin’ Ghost Stories

Welcome my fellow readers to a cliché so terrible that you will die of fright, have a  brain embolism, projectile vomit poop from your mouth, and perhaps tinkle. Just a little tinkle. Like a wee bit of wee. The kind that leaves a little dot on your pants but you don’t change the pants. The dot will dry. Just sit really close to your keyboard. Your boss will probably just think you are working hard.

Boss: That Jenkins sure does work hard.

Lackey: He only seems to do it after he pees.

Boss: Hmmmm….. I think we have something here.

The next day during the meeting:

The employees are forced to drink water.

Boss: Drink it! Drink it!

Employee: I’ve had eight.

Boss: Drink it or you are fired.

Employee drinks while crying.

Yes, horror stories happen at work all the time ladies and gentleman. Are there really any gentleman anymore? Isn’t the new sexy some guy named Rex with fifteen tattoos and has killed at least three dozen people?

Rex mows down five-hundred henchman with a machine gun, fist fights the boss, and eventually impales a super ninja cyborg with a meat hook. There is a hot babe with revealing torn clothing waiting for him.

Babe: That’s all hot. Let’s fuck.

She tries to run to him across a blood splatter and he halts her. He takes off his coat and places it on the blood.

Rex: Milady, you shall sully your feet if you advance any further. Prechance, might I entice you to a stroll around the garden?

Babe: You want to smoke some weed?

Rex: Dear heavens no! Sound body and mind. Daily calisthenics! But soft! From what light through yonder window breaks-

Babe: Are you on drugs? I don’t want no man on drugs!

Rex: Wait! Perhaps I may sing praises of your beauty!

Babe: I am out of here.

Rex begins to prep his vocal chords.

A good crypt keeper, grave digger, vampire, night watchman, creepy butler, guy in front of a fireplace, BLAM!

We have fired the host. Literally. Because bad puns about death are in every pulp Halloween special! Enjoy the last Freakin’ Ghost Story.

Ghost: Finally! These aren’t really ghost stories. I am appalled and angry. I plan to write an angry letter about this injustice to all ghost kind. Unfortunately, I don’t have any corporeal hands so it’s hard to write the letter. But I have used automatic writing before. Though only to mess with the living. I give them dire predictions, like the day the governor will be shot and then laugh my ass off when nothing happens. One time, I convinced this girl that in order to lay my spirit to rest, she needed to jump in a well. It was freakin’ funny! The living are completely clueless. You just need to crawl funny, turn your head, and maybe vomit some blood for effect and they shit themselves. Try this: Go to a medium and tell their client that the father they are trying to contact is disappointed with them. It’s a riot. Ghosts get so much crap in movies. Like we have nothing to do but kill people. Do you think we’d want to add another undead resident to our house? I like living alone! Imagine if I had to share the place with another ghost! They’d eat the crap that I buy from the fridge. I hate that. After a day of spooking the living, I want to just enjoy a sandwich but all the bread is gone. Don’t get me started on the beer.

We hope these make you pee. Happy Halloween!

12 Awful Halloween Theme Parties

Liven up those cliches so with a whole new tradition!

Halloween is a great way to let loose and dress like you normally wouldn’t in real life. So why take it to such an extreme that your friends never talk to you again? Here are some ways to terrify guests of your party this Halloween.

1. Ku Klux Kegger – Racially motivated hate crimes won’t be the story to tell after this party.

2. Mathenanny – A hootenanny is a party of musicians. Why not a party of solving complex differential equations?

3. Boxing Retirement Home Social – Start a Fight Club with your elderly friends. Remember the rule about having to fight on their first time?

4. Used Gym Sock Hop – The guests have to wear them… no exceptions.

5. Exchange Urine Jars with a Hobo Party – Nothing says party like hobo urine.

6. Dancing with the Stars’… dead bodies… except no joke. See who freaks out first when they realize – it’s not make-up.

7.  Litigation Luau – Create a bunch of unsafe party conditions and invite civil lawyers.

8. Free Meth Fiesta – Add more spice to any social occasion with tweaking meth addicts.

9. Binder of Women Binge – Yep…

10. Boy Band Blowout – Invite every thirteen-year-old girl over then tell them the latest boy band sensation of the week died in a plane crash. Invent beverages from their tears.

11. Cary Elwes Carnival – Trust me… the idea is more exciting than the party.

12. Bickering Sibling Ball – Make sure that you have a lot of party games and award unequal prizes.

10 Ways to Escape Jury Duty

Here are some fun ways to get out of jury duty… and probably spend some time in prison.

1. Claim that you are an alien observer from the nearest life supporting star system. When they remove you from court, threaten to write “unremarkable” on your report.

2. Tell them you are from a terrorist cell and that you hope find new recruits.

3. Exclaim that you have civic duty in your pants and everybody is invited.

4. Use snide remarks, “Boring! When do we get to sell our story to US Today?”

5. Play cell phone games. Hide at least five spare phones on your person.

6. If male, tell them you are only here to pick up chicks. Bonus if the judge is female.

7. If female, tell them you only want marry a man on death row. Flirt with defendant.

8. Complain when the cast of Law & Order aren’t the attorneys. Insist that you will only answer questions from Mariska Hargitay.

9. Make disbelief noises during every witness testimony.

10. Sell drugs. Claim “it makes these things go way faster.”