iComedy for an iStupid Sense of Humor

We all fail sometimes. The key to failure is brushing ourselves off and accepting our failure with dignity and the profound sense of pride that you at least tried. Then you can buy a cabin in the woods and start making bombs. Because it’s the thought that counts. The thought that with a little plutonium, “They will pay. Oh yes, they will pay.” Because we know that there are other fish in the sea, which is where people will have to live when you are done with….

madunibombersayswhat?

What?

Explodes.

I’ve written sketch comedy and even a feature length comedy film. I’d figure that I’d know what is funny. And I really thought I found the funny in an company iPad training. We were being instructed in the use of iMovie for the iPad. I’ve created some music videos for my band in iMovie:

The class instructed us teachers to create a presentation for the students using iMovie so if we wanted the students do a similar assignment, we would know what to do. This assignment was an opportunity for the comedy. I’ve always tried to insert humor into my education. If I didn’t, I would get bored.

I remember one of my computer programming teachers in high school told me I can’t name a variable Bob. He said other programmers wouldn’t know that Bob is the Fibonacci sequence. Aside from the fact that it was a silly high school project that no other programmers would look at, I began writing stories in my programs. Bob’s cloning machine exploded and he began to replicate himself in the form of the Fibonacci sequence!

Here in my adult life, I’m at it again. How can I take what would be a boring assignment and make it funny? My comical gears began to turn and I thought of a simple equation – one that I thought was the funniest thing on the planet.

Hamlet + Chuck Norris = Manly Hamlet (Hamlet in Klingon).

So when we were given time to make our video, I whipped up a doofy little video for the project that I thought was hilarious.

While people did laugh during my presentation of the video, they didn’t laugh at the joke I thought was gold! Hamlet in Klingon is funny. Chuck Norris is also funny. Chuck playing Hamlet in Klingon –  a nuclear explosion of funny. That’s not to say the video wasn’t funny. The training group laughed during the video but they didn’t really laugh at the joke that I really wanted them to laugh at.

Which is a really important lesson for any humor writer. All you can do is write what you think is funny and hope that others share your sense of humor. And if they don’t share your sense of humor, set yourself on fire. Then who’s laughing?

Won’t Change the World Thanksgiving Special

I am thankful for many things in 2012. With plenty of food, a roof over my head, decent healthcare, and a loving wife, there are plenty of thanks to be giving. However, I have to ask myself. Am I truly celebrating Thanksgiving like pilgrims did? I am not.

In order to truly celebrate Thanksgiving like the pilgrims, I’ll have to find a native population to rape and pillage then kick them off their land and take it for myself. After decimating the population with disease, superior weaponry, and sheer numbers, I’ll offer them a turkey dinner. The ones that are alive will be sure thankful that they are alive.

About burning your tribe’s village: Whoops! Let’s eat some turkey and forget it happened.

Since the world has already been conquered a while ago, I am going to need to find a native population to hatch my colonial celebration. There really aren’t much left who aren’t already under the jurisdiction of a civilized country. So I’ll probably have to terrorize suburban populations. Being located in New Mexico, I’ll have to change my tactics a little to account for historical accuracy.

Use the bathroom before the armour! Always when I’m conquering.

I’ll dress up like an old school conquistador, gather an army, march into Trader Joe’s and claim it in the name of Spain. I’ll get to use a little cute conquering flag. Then we can round up all the suburban shoppers and put them to work digging a moat around the store. Meanwhile, I will count my spoils of war, like the kale. To really get in the spirit of colonial holidays, I’ll need to take the land from a soccer mom played by Queen Latifah.

Me: I claim your house in the name of Spain! Give me the deed! Then afterwards, we’ll eat turkey.

Soccer Mom: Are you going to make my house payment?

Me: Um… no.

Soccer Mom: I didn’t think so. Now get your ass back there and make me a turkey diner.

Me: Yes Ma’am.

FBI One: We are playing Metallica but they seem to party harder.
FBI Two: Play Menudo
FBI One: That did it. They are setting fire to the compound.

After a bit of terrorizing the suburbanites with my cooking skills (by having a cold and not washing my hands – Mwhahaha!), the FBI will show up. They’ll use tactics like they did in Waco and play loud music.

FBI: We’ll play Rebecca Black for as long as it takes.

Me: You’re ruining it! Rebecca Black didn’t exist in colonial times.

After a while, the FBI will realize they don’t need weapons, music or anything to diffuse situations because they have Queen Latifah. Imagine if they had her during Waco:

Queen Latifah: Koresh, you get your ass out here right now before I really get angry!

Koresh comes out with his hands up.

Koresh: Yes Ma’am.

Never under estimate the power of a sassy black woman.

Or in Afghanistan: Bush and Queen Latifah stand in front of a cave.

Bush: Now, I don’t want my victory speech to be a little premature-

Queen Latifah: Move over whitey, Osama!  Get your ass out here, right now.

Osama Bin Laden: I don’t wanna!

Queen Latifah: Don’t make me repeat myself.

Osama Bin Laden: No!

Queen Latifah: You’re going to regret it if I have to come in there.

Osama Bin Laden: It says no girls aloud! Boy’s only.

Queen Latifah. That’s it. I am coming in after you.

Osama Bin Laden comes out with his hands up.

Osama Be Laden: Ok. Ok. I’m coming.

Luckily, before the FBI learns of Queen Latifah, I’ll sneak out the back during the night with  all the gold wrapped chocolate bars. While I am running across the river to escape the feds, the weight of my own greed will cause me to sink just like the Spanish when they looted the Aztecs. However, the Rio Grande is more like the Rio Puddle and I’ll have time to muse on the true meaning of Thanksgiving whilst laying on a sandbar before the FBI arrests me:

A lot of crap happened in the past, but we seem to have it pretty good now by comparison. We should honor the hardships of our ancestors so we can be thankful for what we have today.  There is an FBI agent standing on my testicles.

Daryl Kicks the Crap Out of Chuck Norris

Norman Reedus, who plays Daryl on The Walking Dead, really needs his own Internet meme. So here are reasons why Daryl is way cooler than Chuck Norris:

1. Chuck Norris can kill a man with his fist. Daryl can kill a man from fifty feet away with a cool stare.

2. Chuck Norris may have any lady. But face it, the ladies don’t want a man to pick them like they are a meatmarket product. They want a man that is emotionally distanced. Daryl won’t let anyone in so he’s a hard man to love. Ladies love that shit!

3. Chuck Norris only has fists. Daryl as a crossbow. Punching out undead. Usually not the best choice. Crossbow. Silent and doesn’t alert the other undead.

4. Chuck Norris may be able kick ass all day and make love all night. Daryl can track all day. Kick ass all night. Then emotionally distance himself making himself way more desirable than a “hit and quit it” guy.

5. Chuck Norris is a beat stick. The only stick you’ll see from Daryl is the arrow sticking from your chest.

6. When he was a child, Daryl survived in the wild for nine days on his own. Chuck Norris grew up in Torrance, California.

7. Chuck Norris survived “The Forgotten War”. Daryl survived the zombie apocalypse.

8. Chuck Norris doesn’t give up on his students like Priscilla Presley. Daryl spent days in the zombie infested wild searching for a girl he didn’t even know that well.

9. Chuck Norris wrote a book called The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems. Daryl solutions to problems involve a crossbow.

10. Daryl Versus Chuck Norris. Chuck wouldn’t make it a foot before taking a crossbow to the face.

The True Winners of Election Day 2012

Taylor Swift 2012

“Madam President, all the people that made fun of you in high school are hiding in North Korea and we suggest you take swift action. No pun intended.”

Here is the official Won’t Change the World predictions for today:

President – Taylor Swift – Not only did she release a new album near election time but probably more people listened to it than will end up voting in the election. At least we’ll finally have our first woman president.

US Senate – Jerry Seinfeld will be the clear winner in this election. Considering he spent the entire nineties on a tv show about nothing. He can spend the entire tweens in government that does nothing.

US Representative – Ice T. Though he’ll actually do something. He’ll use his badass street smarts to play the playas, and take care of business. Ain’t no shit going down while Ice T is on the beat.

Minimum Wage Increase – The real joke is that with the wage increase, basic human services such as healthcare will still be priced out of people’s reach.

New Mexico Senate – That local guy who was in a movie. You know… that guy. In the movie. Everyone knows about him. He’s all famous. He was in the same room when Billy Bob Thorton walked into the scene. That’s like super famous.

New Mexico Representative – We are not sure. We have representatives? When did that happen?