The True Winners of Election Day 2012

Taylor Swift 2012

“Madam President, all the people that made fun of you in high school are hiding in North Korea and we suggest you take swift action. No pun intended.”

Here is the official Won’t Change the World predictions for today:

President – Taylor Swift – Not only did she release a new album near election time but probably more people listened to it than will end up voting in the election. At least we’ll finally have our first woman president.

US Senate – Jerry Seinfeld will be the clear winner in this election. Considering he spent the entire nineties on a tv show about nothing. He can spend the entire tweens in government that does nothing.

US Representative – Ice T. Though he’ll actually do something. He’ll use his badass street smarts to play the playas, and take care of business. Ain’t no shit going down while Ice T is on the beat.

Minimum Wage Increase – The real joke is that with the wage increase, basic human services such as healthcare will still be priced out of people’s reach.

New Mexico Senate – That local guy who was in a movie. You know… that guy. In the movie. Everyone knows about him. He’s all famous. He was in the same room when Billy Bob Thorton walked into the scene. That’s like super famous.

New Mexico Representative – We are not sure. We have representatives? When did that happen?


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