Stop the press! What does that mean anymore? It’s not like we print newspapers. I guess would could try stopping the internet for important news. But that probably won’t go so well:
A guy waits for a download. It stops and the screen reads:
We interrupt your download for this very important bulletin: World War Three has been declared! Billons dead!
Guy: I can’t masturbate to this…. or can I?
His hand slowly reaches down his pants.
But seriously, stop the press or whatever the modern equivalent of stopping the press. The greatest news story of all time broke today. North Korea has discovered unicorns. That’s right, mother fucking unicorns.
How can there really be anything going wrong in North Korea when the government comes out with how they discovered unicorns? North Korea must be a paradise! There are probably happy woodland creatures greeting every visitor.
BunFlufficous: I am BunFlufficous, the great rabbit king of North Korea. I welcome you to my home of splendor and plenty. Relax and let the bees of the forest sing you song whilst you suckle on their honey.
The bees sing a happy tune. Two North Korean soldiers enter.
Soldier One: You’ve imposteranted the great leader and now we’ll have to take you all in to a forced labor camp.
Soldier Two: Imposteranted isn’t a word.
Soldier One: Don’t embarrass me while I’m working.
BunFlufficous: But I am here to spread joy and…
Soldier One: Only the great leader can spread joy!
BunFlufficous: Can I at least offer my services in a petting zoo capacity?
Soldier One shoots BunFlufficous.
Bees: Why did you do that?
Soldier One: Only the leader can start a petting zoo.
We cut to a petting zoo where Kim Jong Un is being pet by children.
Kim Jong Un: This is not what I meant.
I can’t really make up news this funny! North Korea’s propaganda machine must really be running out of ideas. After three generations of murderous terror dictators, they are really running out of ways to make their leader look like a saint. I wouldn’t be surprised if they find the leader working with the Care Bears and Rainbow Brite.
Propaganda Writer One: What if Kim Jong Un smacks down Lurky and Murky in a death match?
Propaganda Writer Two: I still think he should take off his shirt and do a stare.
Guy: How about he masturbates with the power of justice?
PW One: You always suggest that Ted.
PW Two: Yeah, shut up Ted.
PW Three: Guys, we need a fresh approach. What has the leader not done yet?
PW One: Fought dragons?
PW Three: Did that.
PW Two: Returned the one ring?
PW Three: Three times last week.
PW One: Stopped a tsunami?
PW Three: At least four…
Ted: But did he do all that with his dick?
They are about to slap Ted and then reconsider.
PW One: I think Ted might be on to something here.