A Brief History of Gays from Sparta to the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts are close to ending a ban on gays. They’ve finally joined the new millennium where gay people exist. Before, back in the old days, gay people didn’t exist. All those Spartan soldiers that used to fuck each other were really just manly men doing manly things.

300 friends with benefits

Imagine them without spears or shields. They could be going to a night club.

A bunch of Spartans are having a male sex orgy. An Athenian enters and approaches a couple.

Athenian: This is not like the movie 300 at all!

Spartan: Bro. This is not gay. It’s just manly men, doing manly things.

Athenian: But the guy you are…

Spartan: It’s not gay if you don’t say I love you afterwards.

Athenian: What do you do during cuddle time?

Spartan: We punch each other. Hang on… I am about to… FOR SPARTA!

In Shakespeare’s time, gay people also did not exist. Take a look at a poem he revised:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay sex party day?
Thou art completely ripped more lovely and more temperate.
Washboard abs Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
Why can't we marry like any other person? 
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
I'd do laundry on those abs everyday.

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed because of all da haters;
And every queer they fear fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed pubic hair;
My mom told me not to be gay
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
The church did too
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
So I said bitch please! I'm hear and I'm queer! Loud and Proud!
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
Then they threaten to behead me so I married a woman
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st.
     So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
     So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Then of course we can’t forget Poland 1939:

Lance and Ted are making out. Judith runs in.

Judith: The Nazi’s just invaded Poland! They are going to put people like you in death camps!

Lance: We’ll just tell them we are Jewish.

Ted: That’s a good idea! They’ll never suspect we are gay.

What does he plan to do with that duster?

Robin Williams reprises his role as a gay man in Birdcage II: Fists of Justice.

It wasn’t until Robin Williams played a gay man in the 1996 hit movie The Birdcage when gay people really started existing. The first gay person started out like this:

A man is walking down the street.

Man: I am so apathetic and 90’s. I really want a vagin… cock! I want cock!

He runs off screaming about cock.

Later… A woman is walking with her kid.

 Woman: I love having a child that will grow up to perpetuate my genes!

Kid: I want women that remind me of you!

The man, dressed in a pink tutu, taps a wand on the kid’s head.

Man: Your child is now gay. Congratulations.

Kid: Now I want men that remind me of dad. My childhood is pretty fucked up.

Gayness spread across America like a wildfire. People everywhere were becoming gay. Soon, it became clear that everyone was simply choosing to be gay, much like we choose products when we shop.

Bob and Fred, two very macho and homophobic men, stand in line at Target. The Clerk rings them up.

Clerk: Bed sheets. Matching room decor. Matching kitchen appliances. Coordinated bathroom furnishings. Do-it-yourself-and-best-friend gay kit…

Bob: I’ve always wanted to try being gay.

Fred: Yeah. Normally, I barf when I kiss other dudes but I figured. What the hell? I’ll try gay for a while.

But that’s when we as Americans realized that our country was founded on choice! We have the freedom to choose our own religion in schools (so long as it’s Christian), the freedom to choose our own path in life (so long as we don’t mind crippling student loan debt), and even the freedom to choose our own science (the damned scientists burying those dinosaur bones in the ground – expecting us to not know that they just put them there). So why don’t we have the right to choose our own sexuality? So that’s what we did. 

He will punch you.

It’s not gay if I don’t say I love you.

The only problem with the “choose to be gay theory” is that we will have to start giving them rights such as marriage. We all know what happens when gays can marry. Wedding dresses become rainbow! Do you want that for your kids? To cover the fact that gay people don’t have the same rights as everybody else (we need to give them incentive to be “not gay”), we’ll give them trivial social progress like being out in the military and the Boy Scouts. That’s the American way! And what could be more American than the Boy Scouts allowing people that made the choice to be gay into their rank? Sylvester Stallone. That’s who. He punches people.

And he’ll punch you if you even suggest it.

10 Ways to Cheat on Your New Years Resolutions

New Years Unresolve

“I told my husband that I am doing pilates three times a week. I’m really training to be an assassin.”

We always talk about keeping our New Years resolutions. Why not find ways to break them?

1. Quit Smoking – A friend of mine’s father “quit smoking” by smoking on the side of the house. The side yard was a like a cigarette butt apocalypse. My friend explained, “My mom never goes in the side yard. My dad would probably clean it up if it meant he really had to quit smoking.” So find your side yard for 2013.

2. Weight Loss –  Diets. Gym memberships. Organic food. Being healthy is expensive. Save some money. Just buy clothes that looks exactly the same as the clothes you normally wear except in larger sizes. People will start asking you, “Have you lost weight?”

3. Travel More – Photoshop will help with this one. Order a couple of souvenirs over the internet. Maybe even setup a fake account on Facebook using pictures of Russian mail order brides/husbands. Claim you met the person in your travels.

4. Drink Less – Switch from beer, wine, and mixed drinks to shots. Technically speaking, a shot of hard alcohol is way less in volume.  Hard alcohol also has the advantage of fitting in work sized flasks.

5. Experience More Culture – Going to plays and classical music is just not as fun as say boxing. That’s why you should bring a violin to a WWE event. You get the acting of the theatre, the excitement of boxing, and hopefully when you break the violin over your head to show your appreciation for music, you’ll appear on the jumbotron.

6. Stop Having so Much Sex with all These Super Models – Let’s not and say we did.

7. Be More Active in the Community – We all want to help with our community. But painting, picking up trash, teaching children life besides the streets is just so time consuming.  You can call in fake emergencies like  fires or vomiting blood in the bathroom to your neighbor’s houses. (Yes. Both happened to me. See this post). If the neighbors complain, tell them you are getting the police and fire department to come by the neighborhood more often.

8. Spend More Time with Your Family – Working 12 hour days instead of coming home to the snot nosed brats gives you reprieve. Working 8 hours means you might have to talk to the little jerks instead of coming home past their bedtime smelling like resolution number 4. But you made a promise and nothing is more important than a parent’s love except maybe a basketball players. Which gives you an idea… You are a workaholic! You make more money than you can possibly spend! You can afford to hire a professional basketball player to babysit the little shits. Buying your children’s affection will free some time for resolution number 9.

Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

Three hours later…

Why I am in bed with Johnny Depp dressed as Hunter S. Thompson?

9. Stop Gambling – I remember walking up to one of the four casinos located in the greater Albuquerque area. This guy stopped me and my friends and tried to sell us the watch off his hand. Why be a sad, hard luck gambling case when you can be a winner? The key is moving from gambler to bookie. There is an entire untapped market of elementary school sports betting. You may have to accept lollipops instead of cash.

10. Attend Church Every Sunday – The key with this New Year’s Resolution is never defining which one. You can go to the Church of golf, Strip Clubs, the Elementary Fight Club (the bookie was looking to expand), or just about any church you desire.

2012 Did Not Change the World

Every year, I get a report about my part in filling the Internet with usless information. This year, they compared me to people who climbed Mt. Everest. Maybe in 2013, my analogy will be the black plague. Over 1/3 of Europe projectiled vomited after reading your blog…

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,100 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.