We always talk about keeping our New Years resolutions. Why not find ways to break them?
1. Quit Smoking – A friend of mine’s father “quit smoking” by smoking on the side of the house. The side yard was a like a cigarette butt apocalypse. My friend explained, “My mom never goes in the side yard. My dad would probably clean it up if it meant he really had to quit smoking.” So find your side yard for 2013.
2. Weight Loss – Diets. Gym memberships. Organic food. Being healthy is expensive. Save some money. Just buy clothes that looks exactly the same as the clothes you normally wear except in larger sizes. People will start asking you, “Have you lost weight?”
3. Travel More – Photoshop will help with this one. Order a couple of souvenirs over the internet. Maybe even setup a fake account on Facebook using pictures of Russian mail order brides/husbands. Claim you met the person in your travels.
4. Drink Less – Switch from beer, wine, and mixed drinks to shots. Technically speaking, a shot of hard alcohol is way less in volume. Hard alcohol also has the advantage of fitting in work sized flasks.
5. Experience More Culture – Going to plays and classical music is just not as fun as say boxing. That’s why you should bring a violin to a WWE event. You get the acting of the theatre, the excitement of boxing, and hopefully when you break the violin over your head to show your appreciation for music, you’ll appear on the jumbotron.
6. Stop Having so Much Sex with all These Super Models – Let’s not and say we did.
7. Be More Active in the Community – We all want to help with our community. But painting, picking up trash, teaching children life besides the streets is just so time consuming. You can call in fake emergencies like fires or vomiting blood in the bathroom to your neighbor’s houses. (Yes. Both happened to me. See this post). If the neighbors complain, tell them you are getting the police and fire department to come by the neighborhood more often.
8. Spend More Time with Your Family – Working 12 hour days instead of coming home to the snot nosed brats gives you reprieve. Working 8 hours means you might have to talk to the little jerks instead of coming home past their bedtime smelling like resolution number 4. But you made a promise and nothing is more important than a parent’s love except maybe a basketball players. Which gives you an idea… You are a workaholic! You make more money than you can possibly spend! You can afford to hire a professional basketball player to babysit the little shits. Buying your children’s affection will free some time for resolution number 9.
Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.
Three hours later…
Why I am in bed with Johnny Depp dressed as Hunter S. Thompson?
9. Stop Gambling – I remember walking up to one of the four casinos located in the greater Albuquerque area. This guy stopped me and my friends and tried to sell us the watch off his hand. Why be a sad, hard luck gambling case when you can be a winner? The key is moving from gambler to bookie. There is an entire untapped market of elementary school sports betting. You may have to accept lollipops instead of cash.
10. Attend Church Every Sunday – The key with this New Year’s Resolution is never defining which one. You can go to the Church of golf, Strip Clubs, the Elementary Fight Club (the bookie was looking to expand), or just about any church you desire.