A Brief History of Gays from Sparta to the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts are close to ending a ban on gays. They’ve finally joined the new millennium where gay people exist. Before, back in the old days, gay people didn’t exist. All those Spartan soldiers that used to fuck each other were really just manly men doing manly things.

A bunch of Spartans are having a male sex orgy. An Athenian enters and approaches a couple.

Athenian: This is not like the movie 300 at all!

Spartan: Bro. This is not gay. It’s just manly men, doing manly things.

Athenian: But the guy you are…

Spartan: It’s not gay if you don’t say I love you afterwards.

Athenian: What do you do during cuddle time?

Spartan: We punch each other. Hang on… I am about to… FOR SPARTA!

In Shakespeare’s time, gay people also did not exist. Take a look at a poem he revised:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay sex party day?
Thou art completely ripped more lovely and more temperate.
Washboard abs Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
Why can't we marry like any other person? 
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
I'd do laundry on those abs everyday.

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed because of all da haters;
And every queer they fear fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed pubic hair;
My mom told me not to be gay
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
The church did too
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
So I said bitch please! I'm hear and I'm queer! Loud and Proud!
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
Then they threaten to behead me so I married a woman
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st.
     So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
     So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Then of course we can’t forget Poland 1939:

Lance and Ted are making out. Judith runs in.

Judith: The Nazi’s just invaded Poland! They are going to put people like you in death camps!

Lance: We’ll just tell them we are Jewish.

Ted: That’s a good idea! They’ll never suspect we are gay.

It wasn’t until Robin Williams played a gay man in the 1996 hit movie The Birdcage when gay people really started existing. The first gay person started out like this:

A man is walking down the street.

Man: I am so apathetic and 90’s. I really want a vagin… cock! I want cock!

He runs off screaming about cock.

Later… A woman is walking with her kid.

 Woman: I love having a child that will grow up to perpetuate my genes!

Kid: I want women that remind me of you!

The man, dressed in a pink tutu, taps a wand on the kid’s head.

Man: Your child is now gay. Congratulations.

Kid: Now I want men that remind me of dad. My childhood is pretty fucked up.

Gayness spread across America like a wildfire. People everywhere were becoming gay. Soon, it became clear that everyone was simply choosing to be gay, much like we choose products when we shop.

Bob and Fred, two very macho and homophobic men, stand in line at Target. The Clerk rings them up.

Clerk: Bed sheets. Matching room decor. Matching kitchen appliances. Coordinated bathroom furnishings. Do-it-yourself-and-best-friend gay kit…

Bob: I’ve always wanted to try being gay.

Fred: Yeah. Normally, I barf when I kiss other dudes but I figured. What the hell? I’ll try gay for a while.

But that’s when we as Americans realized that our country was founded on choice! We have the freedom to choose our own religion in schools (so long as it’s Christian), the freedom to choose our own path in life (so long as we don’t mind crippling student loan debt), and even the freedom to choose our own science (the damned scientists burying those dinosaur bones in the ground – expecting us to not know that they just put them there). So why don’t we have the right to choose our own sexuality? So that’s what we did. 

The only problem with the “choose to be gay theory” is that we will have to start giving them rights such as marriage. We all know what happens when gays can marry. Wedding dresses become rainbow! Do you want that for your kids? To cover the fact that gay people don’t have the same rights as everybody else (we need to give them incentive to be “not gay”), we’ll give them trivial social progress like being out in the military and the Boy Scouts. That’s the American way! And what could be more American than the Boy Scouts allowing people that made the choice to be gay into their rank? Sylvester Stallone. That’s who. He punches people.

And he’ll punch you if you even suggest it.