I am going to Ireland this weekend. So this blog will be put on hold for a while. Last time I went to Europe, I wrote a piece about how to get kicked out of Europe. For Ireland, I figure I’d write about something I won’t being doing while I am there-watching TV. With Hulu and Netflix, I never seem to lack something to view. But I can remember the days of owning cable with triple digit channels and nothing to watch. Here is all the television I’ll will not see while in Ireland. An ode to the dead art of channel surfing:
Announcer: Hey kids! It’s that time again!
KIDS: Time for Uncle Happy’s Fun Land!
Uncle Happy stumbles out. Drunk.
Uncle: Fuck you. The bitch says that I owe child support! I fucking support kids all fucking day.
Kid One: Gee Whiz, You’re drunk again Uncle Happy.
Kid Two: That means it’s time for…
KIDS: Hide-the -FLASK! Yayyy!
The kids roar with laughter as they hide Uncle Happy’s flask.
Tom Hanks: You know. I’m not really that attracted to you. I just don’t see what’s the big deal.
Meg Ryan: Shut up! You don’t have to be! I represent every woman!
Lzzy Hale: Not me.
Meg Ryan: I’m not talking to you! Now go and ponder about how the right one is out there and we will barely miss connecting until the end.
Tom Hanks: But we always do this! Can’t we do a different movie for a change?
Meg Ryan: No! Now go check your email.
Tom Hanks: But…
Meg Ryan: GO CHECK YOUR EMAIL!
Chris Harrison: This week, the bachelor has sex with three different women within twenty four hours of each other in order to find his one true love.
The Bachelor: Life is so hard when you’re the bachelor!
Women: We have low self-esteem.
Rambo is chained to a wall and being tortured by cartel thugs. They punch him in the face while they talk.
Thug One: You know, I think you got a real shot at governor.
Rambo: You think so?
Thug Two: Arnold did it. Jesse Ventura did it. That’s like half the cast of Predator.
Rambo: You have a point.
Thug One: It’s something to think about. Mull it over.
Thug Two: It’s an 80’s action star thing to do.
Thug One: Very good, now get the red hot ass poker.
Tom Hanks looks like he has been on a desert island. He talks to Wilson the volleyball in a grass hut.
Tom Hanks: You wouldn’t believe what I’ve had to do to get away from “you know who”.
There is a rustle outside. We hear Meg Ryan’s voice.
Meg Ryan: Tom? Is that you?
Tom Hanks: Shit. Cover for me!
Tom sneaks out the back. Meg walks in.
Meg Ryan: Have you seen Tom?
No response from Wilson. He’s just a volley ball.
Meg Ryan: What do you mean I just missed him! I told you to keep him busy.
Meg Ryan: Oh, I can’t stay mad at you.
Meg Ryan: Has anyone told you that you have such friendly eyes?
A senator is at the podium.
Senator: It’s a good thing that the public doesn’t watch C-SPAN, or they’d know about the bullshit that goes on around here. Am I right? Am I right? But seriously folks, it’s time for some business. Ever notice how New York and Chicago both claim to have the best pizza on the planet? If they could only make that claim about their football teams!
Newt Gringrich does a rimshot.
Senator: Thank you. Thank you! You are beautiful folks. So my girlfriend left me today…
Gary Busey sits in the Governor’s office.
Gary Busey: I’m Gary Busey and I’m going to be your governor! The best fucking governor you’ve ever had.
Rambo enters, ready for office.
Rambo: But I was supposed to do that.
Meg Ryan: Don’t worry Wilson. The Governor will marry us. I love you Wilson, you’re just so obedient.