If Gays Could Marry…

The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.
The new face of the more inclusive Klingon Empire.

Since very important shit is going down today, I’m going to give you 10 Things that Will Happen if Gays Could Marry.

1. People will be marrying their dogs next. What the general public doesn’t know about gay people is that they are really the people wearing masks at Sci-Fi conventions. So when you see a Klingon having sex with a Wookie, it’s totally gay. And if you allow Wookies to marry, you have to allow Barf from Spaceballs and if you allow Barf, you must allow dogs. There is no fallacy of logic here.

2. Gay people will take over our night clubs. Being that I formally ran with the goth scene, I really despise fast, upbeat, techno music. And giving people the right to marry obviously equates to turning every club in the country into a gay one.

3. They will declare a war on god. When gay people aren’t dancing to upbeat techno and engaging in stereotypes, they plan wars on god. They have this little room with a map and tank and soldier divisions to slide across it.

4. They will turn your children gay. When people learn that love is something that can exist between people regardless of differences, they become gay. This happened when we integrated black and white schools-turned them all gay.

5. Thirteen-Year-Old boys will no longer have ways to insult people over the internet. Once gay people are considered equal, thirteen-year-olds won’t be able to call the jerk that just tea bagged them, “gay.”

6. Extremist Religious People will explode. Everyone knows that when gay people and members of the Westboro Baptist church come in contact with each other, they explode. It’s simple physics.

7. Children are better off with one mom and one dad. Especially when the mom is a meth addict and the dad is an abusive asshole.

8. The founding fathers created a religious state. They were just kidding about that whole separation of church and state thing.

9. They’ll be gays in our schools. They weren’t there before? 

10. Gays will force their lifestyle on others. They will do this by going door-to-door and handing out copies of The Gay Watch Tower.

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

5 thoughts on “If Gays Could Marry…

      1. Drive-thru Elvis wedding chapels are fine as long as the couple is one man and one woman. There’s nothing in the Bible forbidding Elvis officiating a wedding, drive-thru weddings, or weddings in cars if the couple is one man and one woman. Only *gay* weddings at drive-thru Elvis wedding chapels are banned. 🙂

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