Dancing for Jesus

I discovered what truly will be the next dance craze to sweep the nation and reinforced my belief that the rapture will be a good thing:

Before you laugh or blow your own brains out (or combination thereof), hear me out. Also try to ignore the “creepy stalker voice calling you at midnight” vocal stylings, and really think about this video. Lawnmowers have nothing to do with Jesus or leaning. Old people… in sports car… brain melting… STOP! Never mind–don’t think about the video! Just trust that it will be the next dance craze. It has dance moves so simple that any idiot could do it.

Bystander One: Is he doing the Jesus Lean or having a seizure?

Bystander Two: Better call the paramedics to be safe.

When you look at dance crazes throughout history like the Twist, the Macarena, the not really a dance craze but Gotta Poop Bad Wiggle, they all are pretty simple moves. The higher skill required to preform the dance move, the less likely the dance will ever catch on. That’s why the MIT school of dance never really made it.

Hey! Maca--wormhole!

Einstein’s original notes on relativity explain time dilation occurs with bodies in motion.

Dancer: I’m investigating the possibility of Quantum Entanglement connecting parallel universes through dance using the song Fame. The control in my experiment will be the average man off the street.

Helmet Man: I’m wearing a helmet! Fame–live forever–fame…

Helmet Man dances in a fashion which looks like a seizure.

Dancer: I don’t know why I even try…

In order for the dance to catch on and become a wedding and Christmas party tradition like the Electric Slide or the Bunny Hop, the dance moves must be simple. The Jesus Lean, is about a simple as you can get. Even Helmet Man could learn the dance.

Helmet Man’s limbs flail widely.

Helmet Man: Jesus lean! Lean Jesus! NA NA NA NA!

Well, almost anyone. But the point being, the secret to dance craze success is pretty clear–simple moves almost anyone can do. And like any good YouTube phenomenon, everybody will start making videos. Soon we’ll see videos such as the Buddha Bend, the Allah Allemande, the Krishna Kick, and the Jehovah Jump. Naturally, the next step will be holy wars.

Holy Warer One: I kill you in the name of the one true dance move!

Holy Warer Two: Oh yeah! My dance move is way better so you die!

Holy Warer Three: There is only one way to settle this. A holy war dance off!

Later… the contestants are sweaty.

Holy Warer One: Why don’t all Holy Wars end like this?

Holy Warer Two: Dance offs are a lot less bloody.

Jesus: It’s because my dance move sucks! The Lean? Come on! I’m going to start a crusade.

And if you thought the Jesus Lean was amazing. Check out the Christian Side Hug:

Remember folks–if man does a front hug to a woman, they’d get her pregnant. Anyone who lives a sheltered existence knows that the penis is like a spitting cobra. It can strike at anytime. Even through clothing! So you better start side hugging. In the words of the friend of a friend who discovered these videos, “I’m don’t know if they are helping Christianity so much as hurting Hip Hop.”

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Puppies For World Peace

I really think I need to reiterate my stance on senseless violence this week. We should really fight terrorism with baskets full of puppies. Imagine some wacko who is about to place a bomb at a crowded event, he opens the trashcan… and it’s FULL OF PUPPIES. Who could murder puppies? And what if they did murder puppies? They’d probably be denounced by most the terrible groups of humanity.

Al-Qaeda Spokesperson: While the slaughter of capitalist pig dogs gives me warm tingles, there is nothing more criminal than the slaughter of innocent puppies. For once, Al-Qaeda must offer a formal condolences to the American people for such a terrible crime.

The Young Hitler Club: An awful crime was committed today. We must set aside our differences and work together for harmony and peace for all puppy kind. For each synagogue we burn down, we’ll donate to animal rescue.

Eat my jam!

The guard behind Timothy Mcveigh looks like he’s smelling a fart.

Timothy Mcveigh Jam of the Month Club: For each jam you buy this month, two dollars will be donated to the victims of the puppy bombing…

No matter how terrible and awful of a person you can be, it takes a person that much, much worse to do something bad to cute furry little animals. So the obvious solution to curb violence is ensuring that cute animals are present in every public venue. And if we are aware somebody with terrorist tendencies, we send them a basket full of kitties to curb the behavior before it becomes a problem.

Potential Terrorist: I hate the world and everybody hates me. Nobody loves me.

A kitty purrs and brushes against the terrorist’s leg.

Potential Terrorist: Except for Miss Mewsovich III.  You love me.

The kitty purrs and raises her but as he scratches her back.

Potential Terrorist: I can’t stay mad with you in the world!

So if we want to put an end on violence for good, remember that hate takes way more energy than love. To truly hate, you need to spend all this time coming up with a diabolical scheme. Schemes take time! And who has the time for evil plots? All of Breaking Bad is on Netflix. Whereas with love, all you need is a ball or some catnip. I think John Lennon said that.

How much could a wood chuck chuck?

Think about it.

John: All you need are balls! All you need are balls! All you need are balls! Balls! Balls are all you need.

Ringo: Wouldn’t love work better?

John: But don’t you need balls to make love? Think about it.

John plays the punk rock, “All You Need Are Balls”.

10 Ways to Spend the Time While on Hold

What's his other hand doing?

“Thank you for calling sex-aholics anonymous. May I have your name, number, and the time you get off work please?”

Waiting on hold sucks. Here are some ways to have it suck less:

1. Plan World Domination – Most people think, “I’d love to rule the world, but when will I have the time?” If you are waiting on hold, you can easily make the time, and you will have no moral objection to the slaughter of innocents after enough hold music.

2. Clean Your Desk – Most desks are organized in the black hole method of piling stacks of paper anywhere they fit. You can use that hold time to genetically  engineer bacteria that feed on paper, thus leaving your work area squeaky  clean. You can also make paper hats for annoying co-workers in hopes the flesh eating bacteria will mutate the moment they put on the hat.

3. Give a Shit About the Environment – Most people don’t really have time for the ocean because we live on land. Who cares about plastic build up in the ocean? When the algae that produces most of the oxygen we breath die, we can always wear space suits. And space suits are badass. Who wouldn’t want to wear space suits? This one should actually be Space Suits Are Awesome.

4. Talk to the Voices You Hear During Hold Music –

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: No I didn’t!

Voice: With our home buyer’s plus plan…

Several cycles later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I love you too!

Later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I think our relationship is getting stale. We always have the same conversation.

later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: Don’t bring your father into this!

later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: Can we at least be fuck buddies?

Later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I’m so lonely…

5. Read a Book – When I was at jury duty, I saw bored people staring into space waiting for the boredom to end. Books filled those hours for me. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t selected to be on a jury when I was reading the Anarchist’s Cookbook.

6. Masturbate – Bonus if the person picks up mid-jack. Chicks really like random men who make sexual noises over the phone. And by chicks, I mean no one. Whereas if you are a chick making sexual noises, you’d probably have an attentive audience.

7.  Poop – There are plenty of things we do in a day that’s just a time sink. Why not combine them?

8.  Write a Blog Post –  HAH! I made a meta-joke!

9. Help Organize Your Community – Making a meth-lab profitable is hard today. You used to be able to buy over-the-counter drugs used as ingredients in Meth in mass quantities without showing your ID.  Now you need to wrangle all the local meth addicts to buy the product. You can help by creating a spreadsheet with a schedule.

10. Write Your Own Hold Music – That will show them…

A Historical, Transcultural, and Sacrilicious Perspective on Gluten Free

I wonder if Alice had to worry about gluten?

The genital region of this gluten free product is censored for younger audiences.

The US could really take a lesson in hospitality from the Irish. For example, there is a little protein called gluten found in wheat, barley, and rye that causes excessive burping and anal leakage in my digestive system; This condition is commonly known as TMI. When I ask an American server about gluten free options, the transaction transpires like this:

Me: Do you have a gluten free bread? That’s bread made without wheat, barely or rye.

Server: We can use white bread instead of the wheat.

And if you are lucky enough in the US to have a gluten free option, they usually charge $2 more. I’m guessing they are using that $2 to pay for the gluten-free training class:

Teacher: Glutens are a short stubby people with comically large ears and noses. They are usually used to dance for the local lord while he claps.

Student: Couldn’t they just free the glutens? Like make them glutens but free?

Teacher: Sounds like we need a time travel field trip! Got to use the $2 extra we pay for bread somehow!

Back in the Middle Ages:

Do you think they used the toilet with face paint?

Do it! And let the English watch.

The class watches a short stubby Mel Gibson with comically large ears and nose and a blue painted face rallying the troops.

Mel Gibson: They can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom. Unless they’re Jews. Am I right? Am I right?

Troops: Boo!

In Ireland, not only did just about every server know about gluten, they had options and they didn’t charge you more for it! We were at an Irish counter service fish n’ chips place and they made a fillet without the breading like it was no big deal. Try to deviate from the menu in an American fast food place and they treat you like you asked them to ritually sacrifice a cow for you.

Drive-Thru Voice: Welcome to McWontChangeTheWorldWon’tBeSuedNotDonald’s, may I take your order?

Customer: Can you ritually sacrifice a cow to the great Pazuzu for my Quarter NotPounder?

DTV: One number 3, would you like fries with that?

Customer: Can I get them fried in the same volcano used to sacrifice virgins?

DTV: One upgrade on the fries. What would you like to drink?

Customer: Could I get a water made from children’s tears?

DTV: WHAT? THAT’S SICK! You are fucked up. So fucked up.

There is more than enough Jesus to go around!

1: Do you suppose he’s gluten free? 2: Take a bite out of him and see…

Ireland is so gluten friendly that in the big cathedral of Galway, there was a gluten free communion wafer line. Now since the communion wafer is technically the Body of Christ, wouldn’t that mean that Jesus would have a gluten free diet to be gluten free?  What makes gluten bad for those that have a problem with it is that gluten leaks into the blood stream. So therefore, if you have a gluten free diet, your body has no gluten. Hence, in order to have a gluten free Body of Christ, Jesus must have went on a gluten free diet! Let’s take a look at the historical records that I just made up.

Judas and Jesus are in bed together, engaging in pillow talk.

Judas: I don’t like how you sleep with other guys.

Jesus: I’m not a one man sort of dude. It’s an open relationship. All twelve of you know that. Paul doesn’t seem to care.

Judas: Paul will fuck anything that moves. Besides, he really wants to get in the pants of Pontius.

Jesus: Oh man, I’d really like to fuck that.

Judas: It hurts when you say that.

Jesus: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And boy what I’d have Pontius do onto me.

Judas: Stop it, Jesus! I love you.

Jesus: Love thy fellow man…

Judas: I thought we had something!

Judas runs out in tears. Jesus is riffling though some scrolls.

Jesus: You’ll be back. Hey, who took the word penis out of all my Sermon on the Mount monologues? I’m going to have to talk with Matthew. And by talk, I mean fuck. It’s good to be the son of god with a 12 inch pianist.

12 Inch Pianist: Hello, you are probably wondering, how do I play a piano when I am only 12 inches tall? My piano is smaller to fit my hand size. You are also wondering, was Jesus really gay? Well, he did hang out with 12 dudes and he wanted them to have his body. You decide. Paul, the wild one, in the original translation of his letter to the Romans, “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural function of the icky woman, burned in their lust toward washboard abs and rippling biceps, men doing what is inappropriate with men but oh so much fun, and receiving in themselves the due of a high five.” The events here are merely a fiction based on conjecture. Back to the story, Judas isn’t a manwhore. He was secretly waiting for Jesus to settle down. Judas did what anyone with a broken heart would do. Setup his lover.

I wonder if the Romans had hazing rituals?

You gay, bro?

Pontius Pilate is bench pressing prisoners. Judas moves in to spot him.

Pontius: You are blocking my light twerp.

Judas: I can get you a date with Mary.

Pontius: You serious, bro? This isn’t one of your homo tricks?

Judas: I’m going to assume your homophobia comes from your father and ignore that.

Pontius: Too many big words!

Judas: Whoa! Calm down! I’ll hook you up with Mary.

Pontius: Ok, bro! But if this is one of your gay tricks. I’ll punch you.

Later, at the apartment of Jesus:

Jesus displays his six pack in front of a mirror.

Jesus (singing): I’m too sexy for my robe! Too sexy for my carpenter stick. So sexy it hurts.

Judas: I got you a date with Pontius!

Jesus: I thought you were jealous of the open relationship.

Judas: Turn the other cheek.

Jesus: I’ll tell you what I’d do with those cheeks.

Jesus slaps Judas’ ass. A laugh track goes off.

Jesus: We really have to get that fixed.

Judas: It’s kind of annoying.

Laugh track.

Jesus: Testicles.

Laugh track. Jesus giggles.

Judas: Do you think about anything else?

Jesus: I was born with infinite love! What do you expect?

Later that night:

Jesus is lying in a four post bed. Judas draws the curtains hiding Jesus inside.

Judas: Remember. Don’t say anything. Let Pontius be in control. He likes that.

Pontius: Scram twerp.

Judas exits. Pontius climbs into bed.

Hah! The painting is called Ecce Homo!

The fact that Pontius liked it only proves that his homophobic tendencies were a result of repressed desires.

Days later:

Jesus is on a crucifix. Judas cries at his feet.

Judas: Oh lord! Please forgive me!

Jesus: Hey Judas, Look at my abs! Don’t they look good! I did the South Beach diet in prep for the crucifixion.

Judas: You dieted for a crucifixion?

Jesus: I’m going with the top down for the next three days. I want to look good.

Judas: Jesus Christ! I think I just invented a new swear word.

Jesus: I also tried gluten free. I heard it helps with bloating. It also could have been this ab blaster routine.

12 Inch Pianist: And there you have it. Evidence that Jesus may have been gluten free. While many scholars debate the actual events of his life, all pretty much agree that he was very health conscience. Why do you think all the crosses feature a ripped and buff Jesus? Well, anything looks ripped and buff when you are my size. And did you know that my penis is actually 12 inches. When I bounce on it, I look like the letter T.