A Historical, Transcultural, and Sacrilicious Perspective on Gluten Free

I wonder if Alice had to worry about gluten?

The genital region of this gluten free product is censored for younger audiences.

The US could really take a lesson in hospitality from the Irish. For example, there is a little protein called gluten found in wheat, barley, and rye that causes excessive burping and anal leakage in my digestive system; This condition is commonly known as TMI. When I ask an American server about gluten free options, the transaction transpires like this:

Me: Do you have a gluten free bread? That’s bread made without wheat, barely or rye.

Server: We can use white bread instead of the wheat.

And if you are lucky enough in the US to have a gluten free option, they usually charge $2 more. I’m guessing they are using that $2 to pay for the gluten-free training class:

Teacher: Glutens are a short stubby people with comically large ears and noses. They are usually used to dance for the local lord while he claps.

Student: Couldn’t they just free the glutens? Like make them glutens but free?

Teacher: Sounds like we need a time travel field trip! Got to use the $2 extra we pay for bread somehow!

Back in the Middle Ages:

Do you think they used the toilet with face paint?

Do it! And let the English watch.

The class watches a short stubby Mel Gibson with comically large ears and nose and a blue painted face rallying the troops.

Mel Gibson: They can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom. Unless they’re Jews. Am I right? Am I right?

Troops: Boo!

In Ireland, not only did just about every server know about gluten, they had options and they didn’t charge you more for it! We were at an Irish counter service fish n’ chips place and they made a fillet without the breading like it was no big deal. Try to deviate from the menu in an American fast food place and they treat you like you asked them to ritually sacrifice a cow for you.

Drive-Thru Voice: Welcome to McWontChangeTheWorldWon’tBeSuedNotDonald’s, may I take your order?

Customer: Can you ritually sacrifice a cow to the great Pazuzu for my Quarter NotPounder?

DTV: One number 3, would you like fries with that?

Customer: Can I get them fried in the same volcano used to sacrifice virgins?

DTV: One upgrade on the fries. What would you like to drink?

Customer: Could I get a water made from children’s tears?

DTV: WHAT? THAT’S SICK! You are fucked up. So fucked up.

There is more than enough Jesus to go around!

1: Do you suppose he’s gluten free? 2: Take a bite out of him and see…

Ireland is so gluten friendly that in the big cathedral of Galway, there was a gluten free communion wafer line. Now since the communion wafer is technically the Body of Christ, wouldn’t that mean that Jesus would have a gluten free diet to be gluten free?  What makes gluten bad for those that have a problem with it is that gluten leaks into the blood stream. So therefore, if you have a gluten free diet, your body has no gluten. Hence, in order to have a gluten free Body of Christ, Jesus must have went on a gluten free diet! Let’s take a look at the historical records that I just made up.

Judas and Jesus are in bed together, engaging in pillow talk.

Judas: I don’t like how you sleep with other guys.

Jesus: I’m not a one man sort of dude. It’s an open relationship. All twelve of you know that. Paul doesn’t seem to care.

Judas: Paul will fuck anything that moves. Besides, he really wants to get in the pants of Pontius.

Jesus: Oh man, I’d really like to fuck that.

Judas: It hurts when you say that.

Jesus: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And boy what I’d have Pontius do onto me.

Judas: Stop it, Jesus! I love you.

Jesus: Love thy fellow man…

Judas: I thought we had something!

Judas runs out in tears. Jesus is riffling though some scrolls.

Jesus: You’ll be back. Hey, who took the word penis out of all my Sermon on the Mount monologues? I’m going to have to talk with Matthew. And by talk, I mean fuck. It’s good to be the son of god with a 12 inch pianist.

12 Inch Pianist: Hello, you are probably wondering, how do I play a piano when I am only 12 inches tall? My piano is smaller to fit my hand size. You are also wondering, was Jesus really gay? Well, he did hang out with 12 dudes and he wanted them to have his body. You decide. Paul, the wild one, in the original translation of his letter to the Romans, “Likewise also the men, leaving the natural function of the icky woman, burned in their lust toward washboard abs and rippling biceps, men doing what is inappropriate with men but oh so much fun, and receiving in themselves the due of a high five.” The events here are merely a fiction based on conjecture. Back to the story, Judas isn’t a manwhore. He was secretly waiting for Jesus to settle down. Judas did what anyone with a broken heart would do. Setup his lover.

I wonder if the Romans had hazing rituals?

You gay, bro?

Pontius Pilate is bench pressing prisoners. Judas moves in to spot him.

Pontius: You are blocking my light twerp.

Judas: I can get you a date with Mary.

Pontius: You serious, bro? This isn’t one of your homo tricks?

Judas: I’m going to assume your homophobia comes from your father and ignore that.

Pontius: Too many big words!

Judas: Whoa! Calm down! I’ll hook you up with Mary.

Pontius: Ok, bro! But if this is one of your gay tricks. I’ll punch you.

Later, at the apartment of Jesus:

Jesus displays his six pack in front of a mirror.

Jesus (singing): I’m too sexy for my robe! Too sexy for my carpenter stick. So sexy it hurts.

Judas: I got you a date with Pontius!

Jesus: I thought you were jealous of the open relationship.

Judas: Turn the other cheek.

Jesus: I’ll tell you what I’d do with those cheeks.

Jesus slaps Judas’ ass. A laugh track goes off.

Jesus: We really have to get that fixed.

Judas: It’s kind of annoying.

Laugh track.

Jesus: Testicles.

Laugh track. Jesus giggles.

Judas: Do you think about anything else?

Jesus: I was born with infinite love! What do you expect?

Later that night:

Jesus is lying in a four post bed. Judas draws the curtains hiding Jesus inside.

Judas: Remember. Don’t say anything. Let Pontius be in control. He likes that.

Pontius: Scram twerp.

Judas exits. Pontius climbs into bed.

Hah! The painting is called Ecce Homo!

The fact that Pontius liked it only proves that his homophobic tendencies were a result of repressed desires.

Days later:

Jesus is on a crucifix. Judas cries at his feet.

Judas: Oh lord! Please forgive me!

Jesus: Hey Judas, Look at my abs! Don’t they look good! I did the South Beach diet in prep for the crucifixion.

Judas: You dieted for a crucifixion?

Jesus: I’m going with the top down for the next three days. I want to look good.

Judas: Jesus Christ! I think I just invented a new swear word.

Jesus: I also tried gluten free. I heard it helps with bloating. It also could have been this ab blaster routine.

12 Inch Pianist: And there you have it. Evidence that Jesus may have been gluten free. While many scholars debate the actual events of his life, all pretty much agree that he was very health conscience. Why do you think all the crosses feature a ripped and buff Jesus? Well, anything looks ripped and buff when you are my size. And did you know that my penis is actually 12 inches. When I bounce on it, I look like the letter T.

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2 Comments

    1. Thank you. Yes, traveling in Ireland is really great for gluten free people. And for the not so gluten free people as well as they are always friendly.

      Reply

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