10 Ways to Spend the Time While on Hold

What's his other hand doing?
“Thank you for calling sex-aholics anonymous. May I have your name, number, and the time you get off work please?”

Waiting on hold sucks. Here are some ways to have it suck less:

1. Plan World Domination – Most people think, “I’d love to rule the world, but when will I have the time?” If you are waiting on hold, you can easily make the time, and you will have no moral objection to the slaughter of innocents after enough hold music.

2. Clean Your Desk – Most desks are organized in the black hole method of piling stacks of paper anywhere they fit. You can use that hold time to genetically  engineer bacteria that feed on paper, thus leaving your work area squeaky  clean. You can also make paper hats for annoying co-workers in hopes the flesh eating bacteria will mutate the moment they put on the hat.

3. Give a Shit About the Environment – Most people don’t really have time for the ocean because we live on land. Who cares about plastic build up in the ocean? When the algae that produces most of the oxygen we breath die, we can always wear space suits. And space suits are badass. Who wouldn’t want to wear space suits? This one should actually be Space Suits Are Awesome.

4. Talk to the Voices You Hear During Hold Music –

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: No I didn’t!

Voice: With our home buyer’s plus plan…

Several cycles later…

Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I love you too!


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I think our relationship is getting stale. We always have the same conversation.


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: Don’t bring your father into this!


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: Can we at least be fuck buddies?


Voice: Did you know you can lower your mortgage payment?

Me: I’m so lonely…

5. Read a Book – When I was at jury duty, I saw bored people staring into space waiting for the boredom to end. Books filled those hours for me. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t selected to be on a jury when I was reading the Anarchist’s Cookbook.

6. Masturbate – Bonus if the person picks up mid-jack. Chicks really like random men who make sexual noises over the phone. And by chicks, I mean no one. Whereas if you are a chick making sexual noises, you’d probably have an attentive audience.

7.  Poop – There are plenty of things we do in a day that’s just a time sink. Why not combine them?

8.  Write a Blog Post –  HAH! I made a meta-joke!

9. Help Organize Your Community – Making a meth-lab profitable is hard today. You used to be able to buy over-the-counter drugs used as ingredients in Meth in mass quantities without showing your ID.  Now you need to wrangle all the local meth addicts to buy the product. You can help by creating a spreadsheet with a schedule.

10. Write Your Own Hold Music – That will show them…

Published by aaronfrale

Aaron Frale has been writing comedy for years. He won "Best Writer" as co-writer for a feature film called Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer at the B-Movie Film Fest in New York. You can check out an in depth review of Hamlet from the film critic Obscurus Lupa. Various plays, sketches, and films written by Aaron have been lurking about the Albuquerque scene. In May 2010 he received a Masters of Fine Arts in Dramatic Writing from the University of New Mexico. Music is another one of his past times. His rock band, Spiral, was rated 9 out of 10 by the DPRP for their 2011 release The Capital in Ruins. He currently resides with his wife, Felicia, and a small black dog that thinks he is a giant black dog.. Check out his personal humor blog at: https://wontchangetheworld.com/ and his rock band: http://thespiral.bandcamp.com/

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