I really think I need to reiterate my stance on senseless violence this week. We should really fight terrorism with baskets full of puppies. Imagine some wacko who is about to place a bomb at a crowded event, he opens the trashcan… and it’s FULL OF PUPPIES. Who could murder puppies? And what if they did murder puppies? They’d probably be denounced by most the terrible groups of humanity.
Al-Qaeda Spokesperson: While the slaughter of capitalist pig dogs gives me warm tingles, there is nothing more criminal than the slaughter of innocent puppies. For once, Al-Qaeda must offer a formal condolences to the American people for such a terrible crime.
The Young Hitler Club: An awful crime was committed today. We must set aside our differences and work together for harmony and peace for all puppy kind. For each synagogue we burn down, we’ll donate to animal rescue.
Timothy Mcveigh Jam of the Month Club: For each jam you buy this month, two dollars will be donated to the victims of the puppy bombing…
No matter how terrible and awful of a person you can be, it takes a person that much, much worse to do something bad to cute furry little animals. So the obvious solution to curb violence is ensuring that cute animals are present in every public venue. And if we are aware somebody with terrorist tendencies, we send them a basket full of kitties to curb the behavior before it becomes a problem.
Potential Terrorist: I hate the world and everybody hates me. Nobody loves me.
A kitty purrs and brushes against the terrorist’s leg.
Potential Terrorist: Except for Miss Mewsovich III. You love me.
The kitty purrs and raises her but as he scratches her back.
Potential Terrorist: I can’t stay mad with you in the world!
So if we want to put an end on violence for good, remember that hate takes way more energy than love. To truly hate, you need to spend all this time coming up with a diabolical scheme. Schemes take time! And who has the time for evil plots? All of Breaking Bad is on Netflix. Whereas with love, all you need is a ball or some catnip. I think John Lennon said that.
John: All you need are balls! All you need are balls! All you need are balls! Balls! Balls are all you need.
Ringo: Wouldn’t love work better?
John: But don’t you need balls to make love? Think about it.
John plays the punk rock, “All You Need Are Balls”.