Dancing for Jesus

I discovered what truly will be the next dance craze to sweep the nation and reinforced my belief that the rapture will be a good thing:

Before you laugh or blow your own brains out (or combination thereof), hear me out. Also try to ignore the “creepy stalker voice calling you at midnight” vocal stylings, and really think about this video. Lawnmowers have nothing to do with Jesus or leaning. Old people… in sports car… brain melting… STOP! Never mind–don’t think about the video! Just trust that it will be the next dance craze. It has dance moves so simple that any idiot could do it.

Bystander One: Is he doing the Jesus Lean or having a seizure?

Bystander Two: Better call the paramedics to be safe.

When you look at dance crazes throughout history like the Twist, the Macarena, the not really a dance craze but Gotta Poop Bad Wiggle, they all are pretty simple moves. The higher skill required to preform the dance move, the less likely the dance will ever catch on. That’s why the MIT school of dance never really made it.

Dancer: I’m investigating the possibility of Quantum Entanglement connecting parallel universes through dance using the song Fame. The control in my experiment will be the average man off the street.

Helmet Man: I’m wearing a helmet! Fame–live forever–fame…

Helmet Man dances in a fashion which looks like a seizure.

Dancer: I don’t know why I even try…

In order for the dance to catch on and become a wedding and Christmas party tradition like the Electric Slide or the Bunny Hop, the dance moves must be simple. The Jesus Lean, is about a simple as you can get. Even Helmet Man could learn the dance.

Helmet Man’s limbs flail widely.

Helmet Man: Jesus lean! Lean Jesus! NA NA NA NA!

Well, almost anyone. But the point being, the secret to dance craze success is pretty clear–simple moves almost anyone can do. And like any good YouTube phenomenon, everybody will start making videos. Soon we’ll see videos such as the Buddha Bend, the Allah Allemande, the Krishna Kick, and the Jehovah Jump. Naturally, the next step will be holy wars.

Holy Warer One: I kill you in the name of the one true dance move!

Holy Warer Two: Oh yeah! My dance move is way better so you die!

Holy Warer Three: There is only one way to settle this. A holy war dance off!

Later… the contestants are sweaty.

Holy Warer One: Why don’t all Holy Wars end like this?

Holy Warer Two: Dance offs are a lot less bloody.

Jesus: It’s because my dance move sucks! The Lean? Come on! I’m going to start a crusade.

And if you thought the Jesus Lean was amazing. Check out the Christian Side Hug:

Remember folks–if man does a front hug to a woman, they’d get her pregnant. Anyone who lives a sheltered existence knows that the penis is like a spitting cobra. It can strike at anytime. Even through clothing! So you better start side hugging. In the words of the friend of a friend who discovered these videos, “I’m don’t know if they are helping Christianity so much as hurting Hip Hop.”