Be a Patron of the Arts!

Buy Me!

When you said come over for diner, I didn’t think you meant this…

For my post this week, I want you all to spend $2 on  our album. It’s not comedy but we are trying to get it to go up the charts on Amazon. So think of it as a poor writer/musician begging for spare change, and you’d give it to a homeless guy so why not a writer/musician? I could give you some bullshit about investing in someone’s dreams but in reality, you are helping my band get a number one slot on Amazon even if it’s only for one day.

“But wait a second Aaron. If I give you $2, and everyone else does won’t you get rich? Isn’t that a Ponzi scheme?”

Who are you and how did you start talking in my blog?

“I don’t know. I felt compelled to ask a question.”

But why now? Why not three years ago when I started the blog?

“I don’t know. Look, I was browsing the internet for KFC Cosplay and I really don’t want an erection to go waste so will you answer the question or not?”

Right, well. I really don’t want to know. Better answer the question at the very least to get rid of you. Yes, I’ll get rich and no it’s not a Ponzi scheme because you get music out of the deal. And if I do get rich, I’ll just write more and create more music. So if you like what I write and/or what music I create. Then you should support it.

“I lost my erection, jerk.”

This is really serious! In the olden days, the days when tights were manly-

“The Eighties?”

No, the Renaissance. Rich people used to support artists by paying them to create art, music, etc. These rich people were called patrons of the arts and with patrons, a lot of artists wouldn’t have made it.

“So when I pay hookers to dress like Colonel Sanders, I’m a patron too?”

No, that’s just sick. But you can be a patron. In fact, the internet has given us a rare opportunity to support the art, music, or writing we love and we don’t have to be rich. Give an artist you like $2 and those will add up and eventually be turned into more of what you like from that artist. People really have the power to fund music, movies, books and just about anything they love and the don’t have to spend a lot to do it.

“Do you think if a cop pulls me over and says ‘License and Registration,’ then I say ‘Sure, but I’m going to finish my coffee first,’ they would let me finish my coffee?”

Were you listening to anything I just said?

“What if it was a Venti? Like those giant ass ones and I slurped slowly?”

You know what. Never mind, just let industry decide to give you whatever it wants. Don’t come crying to me when you don’t like any of the movies, books, or music to come out. You could have been a patron.

“Dude, there is this video you have to check out!

Totally crap my pants funny!”

Thank you for proving why we need patrons.

What Would the Aliens Think?

I believe in aliens. With the vast enormity of all of time and space, there has to be other intelligent life in the universe. Saying we are alone in the universe is a lot like masturbating, you may satisfy yourself but it’s much more fun with a partner. The question that I really don’t know how to answer is whether or not we’ve been visited by an alien species. Maybe the aliens need to verify our intelligence before chatting us up. Crows have problem solving ability and definite traits of intelligence but you don’t see humans inviting crows to their parties.

A Donna Reed like Hostess is putting the finishing touches on her upper-middle class good-clean-American fun party. The doorbell rings.

Hostess: Our guests are here, dear.

Your all-American super dad steps out.

Host: Super swell, dear. Invite them in and I will get the Hors d’oeuvre.

A bunch of goth teenagers in Crow make-up are at the door.

Later…

All the goth teens and the hosts are sitting at the table. There is long and awkward eating. The goth teens play with their food in introspective thought.

Hostess: Say something.

Host: What?

Hostess: I don’t know. They’ve been brooding for hours. Say anything!

Host: Um, so you boys want to play Vampire Scene It?

The Crow makeup teens are struck with emotion.

Goth Teen One: No has ever said they loved us.

Goth Teen Two: But you showed us kindness when the world shows us hate.

Goth Teen Three: I couldn’t hold it so I went in my pants.

Goth Teen Two: Jesus! Bob!

Goth Teen One: You are ruining our mystique! You’re supposed to be mysterious.

Goth Teen Three: But I couldn’t wait anymore.

Goth Teen Two: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?

Goth Teen Three: We are too mysterious to go to the bathroom.

Goth Teen One: Everybody poops!

Hostess: He’s got you there. I poop too.

Goth Teen Three: But pooping would make us all normal. I can’t be normal.

Brandon Lee in full Crow makeup comes in.

All: Brandon Lee!

Goth Teen Three: I just went little again.

Brandon Lee: Remember kids, Everyone wants to be loved.

Goth Teen Two: Um… we haven’t gotten to that part yet. We kind of got side tracked.

Brandon Lee: Fuck! I don’t know why I bother. You what? I have to wear this makeup because I died in it! You have a choice!

“You Are Here” and Billions of potentially habitable stars dodged that life bullet.

I don’t think the question is whether or not aliens exist but rather if have they have visited. Earth is in a fairly remote area. We in the Local Arm. It’s this tiny little arm with this giant Carina-Sagittarius right next door. It’s like having Uncle Happy’s Fun Carts next to Disneyland. There is really very little reason aliens would come here. Except for prehaps this:

Or perhaps this:

Alien observer: I’ve discovered the Earthlings’ “youtube”. My conclusions are that there is no intelligent life on the planet and we should move on.

Land of Quantum Entanglement

This is an example of alternate text and lazy blogging.

Thomas P. Chile (Virginia) discovered the chile pepper after making a Native American family disappear. He justified his actions by saying “They’ll have casinos one day.”

New Mexico asks an important question of all of us: Red or Green? The question is so important to New Mexicans, they’ve actually gone so far as to make the choice of red or green the actual state question. Unlike Arizona, where the state question is “Immigration papers?”

For those who live outside New Mexico, you are probably wondering red or green what? But most likely you are wondering, I wonder if the light speed barrier is nulled by spooky action at a distance and does it account for red shifted light-waves? And occasionally you wonder, did I leave the door unlocked? While very rarely you wonder, will the writer get on with it and make his damn point? The answer to red or green is chile (peppers not what a toothless guy named Tex would make the posse during the campfire scene). So what would you like with your food? Red or Green? The answer to the question is of course 42.

Most New Mexican transplants start with the reaction of green? I didn’t know chile could be green! Is that because spooky action at a distance brings out the possibility of parallel universes so ergo the laws of physics could be different thus the frequency of light-wavelengths that we classify as red are really green? And if that’s true, why are they using the ability to transport between universes for chile in restaurants? Or you could just be thinking, green chile? Must be mold.

Green chile is neither mold or a trans-universe warp experiment on unsuspecting restaurant guests, but in fact the most tasty form of chile in the history of ever. And for those of you who think red chile is the most tasty chile in the history of ever. Please review these facts:

It's good to be the king!

“Has anyone seen my pants?”

1. Aaron has taste buds.

2. King George II declared Aaron’s taste buds the arbiter of all that is tasty in 1732.

3. The British empire spanned the entire planet at the time so they pretty much knew what was good for the planet.

So that historic day when down like this:

Mother: My soup is the best! Isn’t that right Georgie Worgie?

George II: I’m King George II Ma! Sheesh!

Wife: My soup is way better! You tell her Georgie Pie.

George II: Can’t a guy just rule an empire with dignity! Fine, we will settle this once and for all. I declare that the taste buds of Aaron will be arbiter of all that is tasty, and he will be born in 1978!

Wife: But!

Mother: That’s not…

George II: Hey, I don’t make the rules, God tells me and I follow them. Until then, both your soups are good!

Adviser: Excuse me sir, we have the Rape the Local Culture Act we need signed into law.

George II: Excuse me ladies, I’ve got some ruling to do.

And if you don’t believe that green chile is the best, I make this simple challenge, eat every variety of chile on the planet. Drink a whole lot of laxatives. Have a whole bunch of frat boys chest bump each other and yell “Way to go bro! I can’t believe you did that!” Then later on, use your fraternity contacts to get a high paying job. Work your way up to CEO. Then I can black mail you for $20 by threatening to release photos of the “chile” incident back in college. I will be $20 richer. And if enough people do it, I’ll have my own pyramid scheme.

Me: Hi, I’m Aaron Frale from Ass Blastarinos.

Audience Member: Is this some sort exercise program?

Me: No really, but you will lose some weight!

Audience Member: So it’s a porno?

Me: A porno pyramid scheme… interesting…

Three weeks later…

The funny thing is I bet this porn actually exists.

“I want to suck your… Did you remember a condom? Can’t be too careful these days. I was tested last week. But rather than demand test papers, I figure we be safe and use condom.”

Me: Alright folks, so the porn industry makes a lot of money in sequels, The Life of Penis IV and Harry Squatter XIV, and so forth. Now it’s time for you to get a piece of that. You make the sequels to my film, and then you get three people to make sequels to your film and we all get rich.

Audience Member: What if I’m too ugly to be in porn?

Me: Porn is the great equalizer folks, no one is too ugly for it. No matter what strange deformity, you’ll probably find a porn for it.

Audience Member: What if my lower half is a squid?

Me: We have some anime for you.

So if you ever find yourself partaking in local New Mexican cuisine and you see a guy whose lower half is a squid, you are more than likely partaking in peyote. However, if you are partaking in the local flavor of New Mexico that doesn’t involve hallucinogenic drugs, and the server asks “red or green?” Say green. It’s yummy. Trust me, the squid guy told me so.