I believe in aliens. With the vast enormity of all of time and space, there has to be other intelligent life in the universe. Saying we are alone in the universe is a lot like masturbating, you may satisfy yourself but it’s much more fun with a partner. The question that I really don’t know how to answer is whether or not we’ve been visited by an alien species. Maybe the aliens need to verify our intelligence before chatting us up. Crows have problem solving ability and definite traits of intelligence but you don’t see humans inviting crows to their parties.
A Donna Reed like Hostess is putting the finishing touches on her upper-middle class good-clean-American fun party. The doorbell rings.
Hostess: Our guests are here, dear.
Your all-American super dad steps out.
Host: Super swell, dear. Invite them in and I will get the Hors d’oeuvre.
A bunch of goth teenagers in Crow make-up are at the door.
All the goth teens and the hosts are sitting at the table. There is long and awkward eating. The goth teens play with their food in introspective thought.
Hostess: Say something.
Hostess: I don’t know. They’ve been brooding for hours. Say anything!
Host: Um, so you boys want to play Vampire Scene It?
The Crow makeup teens are struck with emotion.
Goth Teen One: No has ever said they loved us.
Goth Teen Two: But you showed us kindness when the world shows us hate.
Goth Teen Three: I couldn’t hold it so I went in my pants.
Goth Teen Two: Jesus! Bob!
Goth Teen One: You are ruining our mystique! You’re supposed to be mysterious.
Goth Teen Three: But I couldn’t wait anymore.
Goth Teen Two: Why didn’t you go to the bathroom?
Goth Teen Three: We are too mysterious to go to the bathroom.
Goth Teen One: Everybody poops!
Hostess: He’s got you there. I poop too.
Goth Teen Three: But pooping would make us all normal. I can’t be normal.
Brandon Lee in full Crow makeup comes in.
All: Brandon Lee!
Goth Teen Three: I just went little again.
Brandon Lee: Remember kids, Everyone wants to be loved.
Goth Teen Two: Um… we haven’t gotten to that part yet. We kind of got side tracked.
Brandon Lee: Fuck! I don’t know why I bother. You what? I have to wear this makeup because I died in it! You have a choice!
I don’t think the question is whether or not aliens exist but rather if have they have visited. Earth is in a fairly remote area. We in the Local Arm. It’s this tiny little arm with this giant Carina-Sagittarius right next door. It’s like having Uncle Happy’s Fun Carts next to Disneyland. There is really very little reason aliens would come here. Except for prehaps this:
Or perhaps this:
Alien observer: I’ve discovered the Earthlings’ “youtube”. My conclusions are that there is no intelligent life on the planet and we should move on.