1. “Sounds like you have a sleep disorder. Better take this pill, chain yourself to the bed at night, and don’t forget to leave your home address with the receptionist.”
2. He follows up all his advice by yelling the word, “NOT!” For example, “It’s perfectly normal to be anxious, NOT!” or “You are feeling this way because of your parents divorce, NOT!”
3. His solution to every problem is joining the Marines. One day, you see him putting on his suit jacket and vest and there is a Marine uniform under it.
4. “The problem with your marriage is your wife doesn’t fuck you like she fucks me. Did I say that out loud?”
5. Offers to prescribe certain drugs if you split your stash with him.
6. “Thoughts of suicide? May I interest you in a Jihad I’ve been working on?”
7. He stares you down and quotes from Cool Hand Luke.
8. You are struggling to grasp how all the Lemmy from Motorhead analogies fit into your life.
9. He is always swapping addictions, “Alcohol problem? Try gambling!”
10. “In times like these, you have to ask yourself What Would James Franco do? Would James Franco give up? WOULD HE? Nether should you!”
11. Excessive farting… yep.
12. .”It’s ok to do everything god tells you. After all, god knows all. What are you doing with that gas can?”
13. Every conversation ends with him in tears talking about his issues.
14. Uses 2,000 year-old morality codes to give you advice about internet dating.
15. “Are you dead yet? I really need to beat Bill this month.”
16. The Ghostbusters quotes were amusing in the beginning but lost their luster when your emotional milestone was reduced to “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!”
17. Always laughs then says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Continue. I was thinking of last night’s Family Guy.”
18. “Can I take a picture for my spank bank? I have this thing about crying women…”
19. “No shit! Imagine that! I’m a shape-shifting serial killer too!”
20. You are checking in to the obsessive behavior clinic. The entire office is decked out in Star Trek gear. You come into his office and he is dressed as Deanna Troi.
21. Clown Therapy…
22. He somehow always uses Snoop Dogg lyrics during the session, “Your problem is that your mind is on your money and your money is on your mind. I’d suggest driving down the street, sippin’ on gin n’ juice. Laid back.”
23. He periodically looks up from his tablet exclaiming about a farm and/or dragon.
24. Suggests a LARPing group for an escape. You go to find out he’s the only member. Offers to do the sex scenes by phone.
25. Your therapist is really Obama in disguise “just checking on the citizens.”