The Juice

Opera Voice: Anal Leakage!

May cause: bleeding, hernia, anal leakage, death, head explosion, anal leakage, spasms, internal organ combustion, excessive sweat, did we mention anal leakage? Consult your doctor for a free trial…

I am not really a pill person. In fact, I don’t really know anyone who is a pill person:

Waiter: Welcome Pharmanoodles where we have pills and noodles.

Woman: I’ll have the Pad Thai… wait, you have pills! I’ll just take pills.

I guess Meth Addicts would be more of a pill person:

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Which brings me to the point. Why do so many Americans take pills when the cost of a better diet is way cheaper? I’m not really spouting any new information. Hippocrates, a dead dude who invented malpractice, said “If we could give every individual the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health.” Exercise and diet are the key to healthiness.

The cost of medications alone should be enough sway people to eat healthier. But Americans have to do things in the extreme. Why take one pill when you can take nine? Your meds are making you depressed? Take another pill. But better diets can reduce the pill load. There is really no secret to healthy eating. Eat more vegetables. Americans treat vegetables with disdain and suspicion like someone decided to take shit on their plate. Fast food reinforces this believe by only offering vegetables that could double as toilet paper and often do.

Meth Addict: Ahhh, dragons!

Me: Could you stop that? I’m trying to write a humor piece. Here, have some juice.

There is this widespread belief that vegetables will not nourish our bodies that we need loads of meat and carbs. But there is a big difference between nourish and satiate. Large portions of carbs and meat satiate, they make you not feel hungry. But they don’t nourish. Nourishing the body involves adding vitamins the body needs to keep it running. So completely lacking vegetables leads to a deficiency in the vitamins the body needs to keep running propperly so we use medication to keep those processes going.

Back in the days before immigrants were hunted...

Notice how the cornucopia is filled with fruit and veggies… not burgers and fries.

So for me, it’s a very simple equation. I could spend a lot of money on medication or spend money on vegetables. So I’ve decided to start juicing. It’s like packing in a metric shit ton of vegetables into a cup. What could be more American than cramming something into thirty-two ounce cup? I can’t just go halfway maybe include more veggies on the plate than meat and carbs. I want to take a giant mound of veggies, more than a human could possibly eat in a day and condense it into a cup. Juicing is probably the most extreme version of vegetable intake. It’s so extreme that it’s sounds like some drug fad.

Meth Addict: Man you got the juice? I need a hit!

Dealer: Sorry, all I have is Meth. It takes too much time to juice and it’s too hard to clean up after juicing.

Meth Addict: Sounds logical to me…

Dealer: People will suck your dick for Meth. Unless they’re vegan. Then they’ll do it for juice.

Meth Addict: Do you really want Meth addicts to suck your dick? I have no teeth and scabs.

Dealer: I don’t think healthy sexual relations really play into the dealer/addict relationship.

Meth Addict: We sound like we should be in graduate school.

Dealer: That’s a good idea. Maybe I can give myself options besides a life of crime through education.

Five years later: The Dealer has graduated with his Chemistry PHD. He is giving the valedictorian speech.

Dealer: Hello class of 2018. The job market still sucks and there is nothing for my education level. I have more student loan debt than I can possibly pay off. But at least I can fall back on selling Meth!

Juicing involves piling more vegetables than a third-world nation family sees in a year on the counter, putting them in a machine, and drinking them in a tiny little cup. If you do it right, they taste pretty good. If your like me, you just sort of cram everything into the juice including the cat hiding under the vegetable pile. And juice the stuff which doesn’t always taste so good. So I’ll be sipping a juice feigning the wonderfulness of my drink and my wife doesn’t really believe it.

I’m drinking some brown goop while cringing.

Me: This is great!

Another sour face.

Wife: Un-huh.

Me: You want some?

Wife: No.

Another butthole pucker face.

Me: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

For some reason, she didn’t trust me. But isn’t that how all relationships are? They just don’t trust you when you meet your completely platonic friend in the a hotel room with a teddy bear, flowers, candy, and a box of condoms. They don’t believe you when you say you are simply filming a webseries about a teddy bear that uses a box of condoms to make balloon animal friends.

Teddy: Jeepers, that’s quite the long neck mister giraffe.

Giraffe: Only when I’m excited.

Laugh track.

Teddy: Are you sure there is candy in the magical flower forest?

Giraffe: There is but it’s guarded by a troll and you have to suck his dick.

Teddy: Wowza!

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5 Back-to-School Saving Tips

Don't try this at home!

Pictured: $300 worth of supplies. As if the little shits don’t already cost enough. The lack of funding for schools is passed onto the parents.

It’s back-to-school time. Here are some ways to save:

1. Steal from a homeless guy – It’s much easier than you think. Buy them booze. Wait for them to pass out. And steal their backpack. There’s got to be pretty cool stuff in the backpack. After all, the backpack is only thing they own. If you could only own one backpack full of stuff wouldn’t be your best stuff ever! At the very least, you’ll get a backpack for your kid.

2. Sell Meth – I know what you are thinking. “But Aaron, I’ll snort too much.” Take it from me, I live in the same city where Breaking Bad was filmed, never use the product yourself. Snort cocaine instead. That’s what successful people did in the eighties. You want to be successful? Right? The best part is your kids will see your success and want to be just like you. And think of all the potential new clients you’ll get on career day at your kids school!

3. Reverse Donate – Go to one of those places that collects shit for orphans and say, “Look at all this stuff I have to donate. NOT!” And grab stuff off their table and run. You can also do this for Toys for Tots, church collection baskets, or just about any charity. Except blood drives. That’s kind of weird.

4. Auction One Child – Science experiments, human trafficking, rich oil barons, and the Tea Party (for ritual sacrifice) all need children. That’s why you have more than one kid. And think of the discipline opportunities. “You cut that out Billy or you’ll be sold off like your brother.”

5. Mug Other Children – Kids won’t put up a fight for their school supplies. If a teacher catches you, just tell them that the kid you were mugging was taking the school supplies from your child. Who are they going to believe a kid or you? Don’t answer that.

5 Spam-Based Realities

Spam, Spam & Eggs, Spam! Spam! Spammity Spam!

If it’s good enough for the apocalypse, it’s good enough for me.

Spam mail seems to be disconnected from reality. I know it’s computer generated mass email but imagine if it was real. The world would be a much funnier place.

1. There would be at least 20 African billionaire princes dying every year who need American banks accounts to transfer their wealth-which would mean that Africa would be the wealthiest continent on the planet. So the reality would be that American princes (like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger) would be needing African bank accounts to transfer money to a safe location.

I am writing on behalf the late Heath Ledger. The poor nation of America is attempting to give Heath’s estate to orphans or kids with cancer. We really want it to go to hookers and blow. Since Nigeria has pretty relaxed laws and the most billionaires on the planet, we figure the money will be safe. Please give us your bank account number and we’ll handle the rest.

 2. Adrianna is so incredibly horny and has been wondering why you’ve been ignoring her messages. Let’s use our suspension of disbelief for a second here. Had Adrianna been real, most men would not be ignoring her messages. In fact, Adrianna wouldn’t even need to reach out via email. All Adrianna would need to do is write a Facebook status update.

The never will happen category

Adrianna would be the only facebook page to beat George Takei for followers and interactivity.

3. Various penis related drugs and size enhancers will change your sex life. Large sweaty men with hair that belongs on a wookie, poor hygiene, and the wheeze will of course instantly change their sex life when they enhance their penis size. Most women don’t use factors such as personality, bathing habits, sexual attractiveness, and other trivialities to decide on sex partners. They choose purely on parts of the body that remain hidden until they have sex. Because women only choose mates based on penis size, you’d think that waving your penis around in public would make their choice easier. Unfortunately, the judge doesn’t agree.

4. An internet service like my bank account, paypal, etc. has lost my password and they are emailing me to ask for it back. Most internet companies lose passwords by simple methods. Sometimes, an employee leaves the window open and the passwords get blown away. Other times, the passwords are thrown out by the night cleaning service. Most times, it’s a simple case of locking the passwords up with another password. Just as locking your keys in the car, you’ll need another key to get at the first key. They sure are friendly and kind sending you emails to ask for your password. It’s like that homeless guy who wanted my car keys. I just hope he comes back soon. I want to go home.

5. There are about five million kids dying of rare diseases whose only chance to live is forwarding email. Those kids are so fucked.

In Space, No One Will Hear Barbie Scream

We have reached a new age of space exploration. Barbie is now a Mars explorer. The toy manufacturer, Mattel, claims that the Mars exploring Barbie will encourage girls to be a profession normally dominated by men. Back in the olden days (a couple of years ago), women had very limited career options.

Man: Woman! You will bare my seed, raise my children, clean my house, and bring me my mead!

Woman: Great, thank you for coming to the interview. Let’s start with a few questions.

Man: Woman! You shall please me on my demand.

Woman: Let’s get through the interview first. Alright, so let’s start with your background.

Man: I am conqueror of the seven kingdoms, slayer of the serpent, fighter of the bull, and tamer of the lion!

Woman: Good. So what would you say is your biggest strength?

Man: I have a 12-inch sword.

The ancient art of penis size...

The position of this horse is not an accident. Think of it as a to scale representation…

Woman: Isn’t that small for a sword?

Man: It’s not the size of the sword but how you handle it. For example, my penis is only 2 inches.

Woman: Really?  But…

Man: Why do you think I’ve conquered so much! It’s the like the guy with the flashy car. We overcompensate for-

Woman: Well, it was a good interview. We’ll call you.

Man: But I demand to take you as my wife.

Woman: I have tons of other interviews…

Man: But…

Woman: Chan Tan the Mongol Warrior Lord.

Chan Tan: Yo!

Woman: Next.

Man: But I…

Chan Tan pulls out his penis.

Man: Nevermind.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

The backpack facilitates her anorexia.

I’m all for woman having all the same career opportunities, pay rate, education, etc. But I don’t know if Barbie is exactly the best way to convey the message to girls. We attach this image of beauty to a career that isn’t exactly pretty. The body of Barbie dolls are unrealistic. I don’t think anorexic astronauts would be very effective on Mars. The logistics of vomiting while in a space suit is pragmatic at best. But the real danger is when the anorexic Barbie feints on the mission.

Barbie: I’m the only one that survived bitches! Because I passed out, my oxygen supply lasted longer! And now that all the crew are dead, the food stores will last longer. Not that I eat. Eating is for suckers.

Barbie passes out again.

In addition to the unrealistic body type, why the hell would they have make-up on a mission to Mars? Are we really that shallow and vain that we’d waste valuable cargo that will cost millions of dollars to transport make-up to Mars? I’d rather have more medical supplies in a trip to Mars than make-up.

Barbie: I can’t explore a desolate rocky planet without my make-up! What if somebody sees me on a desolate planet… full of rocks… lots of rocks… so many rocks… It takes me three hours to get ready! Three fucking hours! One of you rocks could at least appreciate my effort.

My last gripe is the suit. It looks like it lacks insulation. The stuff that prevents you from freezing to death seems like a pretty important part of a space suit…. and that’s why in space no one will hear Barbie scream. And also why badass women star in Science Fiction.

The Queen Alien hisses at Barbie.

Barbie: Ewww…. you’re drooling alien goop on my space suit! They really need to fix this thing. I keep breaking nails. Unacceptable.

The Queen Alien decides it’s not worth the effort.

Barbie: You know what would be awesome! Glitter on the space suit! Maybe diamond studs.

Irritated, the Queen Alien snaps Barbie in half. Split-in-half Bishop consoles Barbie.

Bishop: You’re ok for a human.

Barbie: Ugg… you got my space suit all dirty. I have a hot date tonight! My daddy will hear about this.

Bishop ends her.

Where is Ken during this? He was grounded for PTSD:

Stumpy

Don’t make fun of the stump. My dick was shot off during the war!

Announcer: Hey kids! Here is PTSD Ken! He self medicates with pills, alcohol, and Skipper. When he finally decides it’s over, you can blow his head off. Don’t let him near the constant nagging ghetto momma Barbie or he just may just take more than his own life. Normally, medical marijuana would pacify any homicidal rage but he’s from Kentucky.

Kids: Yay!

Another Kid: He reminds me of my dad!

Kids get sad.

Kids: Why you got to spoil the fun?