We have reached a new age of space exploration. Barbie is now a Mars explorer. The toy manufacturer, Mattel, claims that the Mars exploring Barbie will encourage girls to be a profession normally dominated by men. Back in the olden days (a couple of years ago), women had very limited career options.
Man: Woman! You will bare my seed, raise my children, clean my house, and bring me my mead!
Woman: Great, thank you for coming to the interview. Let’s start with a few questions.
Man: Woman! You shall please me on my demand.
Woman: Let’s get through the interview first. Alright, so let’s start with your background.
Man: I am conqueror of the seven kingdoms, slayer of the serpent, fighter of the bull, and tamer of the lion!
Woman: Good. So what would you say is your biggest strength?
Man: I have a 12-inch sword.
Woman: Isn’t that small for a sword?
Man: It’s not the size of the sword but how you handle it. For example, my penis is only 2 inches.
Woman: Really? But…
Man: Why do you think I’ve conquered so much! It’s the like the guy with the flashy car. We overcompensate for-
Woman: Well, it was a good interview. We’ll call you.
Man: But I demand to take you as my wife.
Woman: I have tons of other interviews…
Woman: Chan Tan the Mongol Warrior Lord.
Chan Tan: Yo!
Man: But I…
Chan Tan pulls out his penis.
I’m all for woman having all the same career opportunities, pay rate, education, etc. But I don’t know if Barbie is exactly the best way to convey the message to girls. We attach this image of beauty to a career that isn’t exactly pretty. The body of Barbie dolls are unrealistic. I don’t think anorexic astronauts would be very effective on Mars. The logistics of vomiting while in a space suit is pragmatic at best. But the real danger is when the anorexic Barbie feints on the mission.
Barbie: I’m the only one that survived bitches! Because I passed out, my oxygen supply lasted longer! And now that all the crew are dead, the food stores will last longer. Not that I eat. Eating is for suckers.
Barbie passes out again.
In addition to the unrealistic body type, why the hell would they have make-up on a mission to Mars? Are we really that shallow and vain that we’d waste valuable cargo that will cost millions of dollars to transport make-up to Mars? I’d rather have more medical supplies in a trip to Mars than make-up.
Barbie: I can’t explore a desolate rocky planet without my make-up! What if somebody sees me on a desolate planet… full of rocks… lots of rocks… so many rocks… It takes me three hours to get ready! Three fucking hours! One of you rocks could at least appreciate my effort.
My last gripe is the suit. It looks like it lacks insulation. The stuff that prevents you from freezing to death seems like a pretty important part of a space suit…. and that’s why in space no one will hear Barbie scream. And also why badass women star in Science Fiction.
The Queen Alien hisses at Barbie.
Barbie: Ewww…. you’re drooling alien goop on my space suit! They really need to fix this thing. I keep breaking nails. Unacceptable.
The Queen Alien decides it’s not worth the effort.
Barbie: You know what would be awesome! Glitter on the space suit! Maybe diamond studs.
Irritated, the Queen Alien snaps Barbie in half. Split-in-half Bishop consoles Barbie.
Bishop: You’re ok for a human.
Barbie: Ugg… you got my space suit all dirty. I have a hot date tonight! My daddy will hear about this.
Bishop ends her.
Where is Ken during this? He was grounded for PTSD:
Announcer: Hey kids! Here is PTSD Ken! He self medicates with pills, alcohol, and Skipper. When he finally decides it’s over, you can blow his head off. Don’t let him near the constant nagging ghetto momma Barbie or he just may just take more than his own life. Normally, medical marijuana would pacify any homicidal rage but he’s from Kentucky.
Another Kid: He reminds me of my dad!
Kids get sad.
Kids: Why you got to spoil the fun?