5 Spam-Based Realities

Spam mail seems to be disconnected from reality. I know it’s computer generated mass email but imagine if it was real. The world would be a much funnier place.

1. There would be at least 20 African billionaire princes dying every year who need American banks accounts to transfer their wealth-which would mean that Africa would be the wealthiest continent on the planet. So the reality would be that American princes (like Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger) would be needing African bank accounts to transfer money to a safe location.

I am writing on behalf the late Heath Ledger. The poor nation of America is attempting to give Heath’s estate to orphans or kids with cancer. We really want it to go to hookers and blow. Since Nigeria has pretty relaxed laws and the most billionaires on the planet, we figure the money will be safe. Please give us your bank account number and we’ll handle the rest.

 2. Adrianna is so incredibly horny and has been wondering why you’ve been ignoring her messages. Let’s use our suspension of disbelief for a second here. Had Adrianna been real, most men would not be ignoring her messages. In fact, Adrianna wouldn’t even need to reach out via email. All Adrianna would need to do is write a Facebook status update.

3. Various penis related drugs and size enhancers will change your sex life. Large sweaty men with hair that belongs on a wookie, poor hygiene, and the wheeze will of course instantly change their sex life when they enhance their penis size. Most women don’t use factors such as personality, bathing habits, sexual attractiveness, and other trivialities to decide on sex partners. They choose purely on parts of the body that remain hidden until they have sex. Because women only choose mates based on penis size, you’d think that waving your penis around in public would make their choice easier. Unfortunately, the judge doesn’t agree.

4. An internet service like my bank account, paypal, etc. has lost my password and they are emailing me to ask for it back. Most internet companies lose passwords by simple methods. Sometimes, an employee leaves the window open and the passwords get blown away. Other times, the passwords are thrown out by the night cleaning service. Most times, it’s a simple case of locking the passwords up with another password. Just as locking your keys in the car, you’ll need another key to get at the first key. They sure are friendly and kind sending you emails to ask for your password. It’s like that homeless guy who wanted my car keys. I just hope he comes back soon. I want to go home.

5. There are about five million kids dying of rare diseases whose only chance to live is forwarding email. Those kids are so fucked.