10 Flawed Commandments

Welcome to post 200! I wanted to do something big in celebration of my 200th post. Since my most popular post to date was about reasons the rapture would good for those of us left on Earth, I thought a post poking fun at religion would be appropriate to ring in the 200’s. Hopefully, I’ll have religious fanatics picketing this blog or at very least offend some people who use God as their defense for being an asshole. For all of you that are not assholes and also religious, remember that I believe there is nothing inherently wrong with religion. However, there are flawed people and those people are the ones who fuck it up for everyone else. So to paraphrase Jesus, “don’t be an asshole” and enjoy the post:

1. Don’t Worship Other Gods – Aside from the fact that it’s a really dick move to say you can’t have any friends but God, he really knew what he was doing with this one. Imagine the pay cut God would take if people had to tithe to many gods.

God: Have you given ten percent?

Rich Asshole: More like 4%. Shiva and Poseidon take a cut!

God: I should be your only god!

Rich Asshole: Shiva destroys my competition and Poseidon keeps the shipping lanes clear. If I didn’t give many gods a cut, I wouldn’t be making half the money I make.

God: You think this crystal kingdom is cheap? You are killing me here!

Rich Asshole: So if I killed some hookers in my life time, could I give 10% and still get into heaven?

God: Done. I think I see a need for some commandments.

2. No False Idols – This probably was the most sensible one of the ten. So take down those Justin Bieber and One Direction posters. They make god angry.

God: That’s right. Fuck those guys.

3. Don’t Take God’s Name in Vain – The problem with this one is that no one really knows god’s name anymore. So phrase’s like “god dammit” technically don’t break any rules.

A student is typing. His computer says “network error”.

Student: God dammit. I hate this computer.

God: I shall strike thee down with great fiery vengeance.

The computer burns with holy fire.

Student: Dude! What the hell man? I need that! Finals are this week!

God: But you told me to damn it!

Student: It was an expression. Like Zeus Dammit. Maybe I can salvage the hard drive…

Lighting crackles and strikes the husk of the computer.

Zeus: Someone order a lightning bolt?

Student: Fuck!

Thor smashes it with his hammer.

Thor: I smash when people say fuck. It’s what I do.

Student: All of you gods get the fuck out of here.

Thor smashes the student with his hammer.

God: We are really going to need to clarify this name in vain thing. I’m stick of false house calls…

4. Remember the Sabbath – The first four are pretty silly in the context of anything other than religion. Imagine if McDonald’s didn’t want you to go anywhere else? You shall worship Ronald! Throw away all your Burger King hats. You will not say anything bad about the food. And get Happy Meals every Sunday! But number four isn’t about going to church. It was about Black Sabbath. God wants you to rock every Sunday.

God plays air guitar.

God: People think I’m insane because I am frowning at the time! Um… I mean wrath! Angry god! Urrr….

5. Honor Thy Father and Mother – So Ariel Castro’s kid has to honor him? People are giving Ariel Castro’s kid a hard time because of his serial killer rapist father. People say that he must of known about the women his pop held captive for ten years. But if my father was a serial killer rapist, I probably wouldn’t visit. So I think Ariel Castro’s kid is well justified in not honoring his father or visiting him ever.

God: Don’t point out the grey areas! If people think for themselves, their priests can’t tell them what to do!

6. Thou Shalt Not Kill – But it’s completely cool for soldiers, self-defense, when they own resources you want, when there are ideological differences, or when they worship pretty much the same god with slight differences. For the all the killing thou shalt not do, history sure seems to have a lot of it.

Phone rings.

Secretary: God’s desk. This is Jeannette.

Caller 1: Hello, this is Akbar “Kill-American-Pig-Dog” Alla’din. I want to check on my Holy War.

Secretary: Hang on. Let see. God has you scheduled for a holy war this Thursday at three.

Caller 1: Eastern or Middle Eastern Standard Time?

Secretary: GMT.

Caller 1: Thank you. The infidels will burn with vengeance.

Phone Rings.

Secretary: Please hold… God’s desk.

Caller 2: This is the Westboro Baptist Church. We were looking to kill us some gays but on a regular basis. Can we schedule Holy War Thursdays?

Secretary: I’m sorry. Thursday is booked.

Phone rings.

Secretary: Hang on… Please hold. God’s desk.

Caller 3: I’d like to schedule a holy war.

Secretary: Who do you plan to kill?

Caller 3: Well, no one, these guys keep depanting me in gym class.

Secretary: It’s only a holy war if you kill each other for ideological differences.

Caller 3: Can’t God turn them into salt or something? Send them a message.

Secretary: Look, this line is for crusaders, holy wars, and Michael Bay only.

Caller 3: Michael Bay has a direct line to God?

Secretary: You think he gets by on talent alone?

Caller 3: He does have pretty incomprehensible action sequences and shallow characters.

Secretary: Now you’re getting it. Look kid, I’ll send a Jihadist group to your school and take care of those bullies.

Caller 3: Jeepers! Really! God really does answer prayers.

Secretary: He’s out golfing. Boss gets all the credit. We do all the work.

Caller 3: What?

Secretary: You’ll find out when you’re older.

A few weeks later… A Jewish Holy Fighter Squad Breaks into the  Northbrook Middle School Gym.

Jewish Holy Fighter: We will bring down the wrath of god to all those who depants.

Bully: Bro, aren’t Jewish people the victims of history?

Jewish Holy Fighter:  Never again. Starting with people who depants.

Nerdy kid: Yes!

7. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery – God should have been a little more clear on this rule. Adultery is off the table. But choir boys, no problems there.

Priest: Hi Jimmy. Do you want to earn a pack of bubble gum?

Jimmy drops his robe.

Priest: What the hell are you doing? Put your robe back on. I was going to ask you to get the wafers ready for mass.

Jimmy: Aren’t you going to molest me?

Priest: Whoa! That’s sick! I know the ten commandments don’t have an issue with it but I do.

Jimmy: Oh come on! I’ll steal some of my dad’s whiskey.

Priest: I’m not going to molest you.

Jimmy: You some sort of square?

Priest: I’m going to call your parents.

Jimmy: I got to get my first sexual experience someday. You want me to die a virgin?

Priest: Shouldn’t you be worried about capturing fireflies or something?

Jimmy: Fireflies? Who needs bugs when you’ve got the internet?

Priest: Do your parents do any parenting at all?

Jimmy: They work all day and night. I’m lucky if I see them once a week. The internet and Xbox are my parents. So we going to have sex or not?

Kid punches the Priest.

Priest: Where did you learn about sex?

Jimmy: Grand Theft Auto. Sex is when you slap a hoe around.

Weeks later… priest has record numbers in his church.

Priest: So Jesus bitched slapped Lazarus and said, “Fucking stab that needle in the heart. This fucker is about to OD!”

Congregation Member: Best service ever…

8. Thou Shall Not Steal – This one is pretty clear. Unless it’s a “lawful war”, then it’s spoils of war. And what’s a “lawful war” anyway?

God: Don’t take anything that’s not yours. But if it were to be leftover after a war…

George W. Bush: But I really want that oil. Now! It’s mine!

God: Do I have to spell it out for you? Make up some shit about WMD’s and start a god damn war.

George W. Bush: Too many big words.

God: Do I really have to do everything for you? I’ll write your speeches.

Later… at the State of the Union.

George W. Bush: Say “I” then spell the word “cup”.

God hits his forehead.

9. Don’t Lie About Your Neighbors – But everyone else is fair game. That’s why corporate America is pretty much ok with spinning any bullshit.

Bullshit 1: 9/10 doctors agree that Cancer Man Cigarette will cure your kid’s cough.

Bullshit 2: Bottled water is healthier than tap water which cities test 10 times a day while bottled water goes virtually untested!

Bullshit 3: The government serves the people rather than a few people trying to get rich.

All these are ok by biblical standards. And we really need to make rules based on the bible. If we used the bible as a morale code, we could sell our children into slavery and give struggling American families an economic boost!

10.  Don’t Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife – I think this one really shows the age of the bible. If god didn’t really want you to be lustful, then maybe he should have added an Internet Porn clause.

Peter: Looks like you’ve followed all the ten commandments. Welcome to heaven!

Guy: Sweet!

Peter: Now, before we get started, what was your profession?

Guy: Jack-off King!

Peter: Really?

Guy: Seriously, I figured that I really liked jacking off so I thought that I’d setup a webcam and get paid for it.

Peter: So people would pay to watch you jack-off?

Guy: There is something for everyone on the internet.

Peter: Right. Well, the jack-off part of heaven is full.

Guy: Really?

Peter: Well yeah. You think all people without sin are young, hot, sexually active people?

Guy: So heaven is full of  recluses?

Peter: Yep. So long as they are not coveting their neighbor’s wife…

God: Hello, I’d like thank you for joining us for this humor post. If you can’t laugh at religion, then you probably take it way too seriously. And religion taken way too seriously leads too:

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Where’s the Third Fucking Option?

Why wasn't he shot sooner on a base full of people trained with guns?

Crazed BM Gun Man ISO of SWM crazy chick, likes long walks on the beach, and mass murder, Be my Bonnie to my Clyde

I am finally going to weigh in on gun control. Generally speaking, I try to stay away from a topic until I have a solid opinion. When I think about the polarized options, each are absurd. Hippy wonderland can’t exist because one power hungry dude with a chain gun will end the hippy love fest.

Hippy: Guns are illegal! Time to celebrate with cheesecake!

Hippy is about to eat some cheesecake.

Dude with Chain Gun: Die hippy scum!

Hippy: But that’s illegal. You can’t do that!

Dude with Chain Gun: I make the rules now! I have the only gun. And my first rule is that I get the first bite of all dessert!

Hippy: Nooo! Why did I ban the guns!

But on the flip-side, guns really do not make the world a safer place:

Shopper is in a check out line at a grocery store.

Shopper: I have a coupon for the Cheez Whiz.

BLAM! An old lady behind him in line is shot.

Shopper: Sorry. My gun must of misfired. But it’s completely legal.

Old Lady: It’s ok dear.

BLAM! Shopper’s foot is shot off.

Shopper: Owww! Hey.

Old Lady: Sorry! Landed on my gun.

BLAM! The clerk shoots the Shopper in the stomach.

Clerk: Sorry, itchy trigger finger. Thought I was being robbed again.

Shopper: It’s your right as an American.

BLAM! Shopper is shot in the shoulder by a kid. A mother swipes the gun.

Mother: I told you not to go through daddy’s things! Sorry about that.

Shopper: It’s fine! I’ve been through worse.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A shooter kills everyone.

Shooter: A room full of guns and no one shoots me!

BLAM! The shooter dies.

Shopper: That’s why you should always carry a gun at all times, kids!

A audience full of kids cheers and shoots each other.

Shopper: Fuck…

We spend more on military than science, way more...

Why doesn’t this guy run for president? I’d vote for him.

If we can’t go to either extreme, than why not have a third option? Get rid of all lethal weapons. Before I cause a card carrying NRA member’s head to explode, hear me out. Why don’t we invest a metric shit ton (it’s European shit, American shit would be acts of congress) in development of non-lethal weaponry and eventually disarm the entire planet? We can make a missile that can fly through a building and kill one person in a cubical. But we can’t make the missile stun the same human being? We could make non-lethal weaponry with the same range and accuracy as anything we have today. Science is pretty awesome that way.

If we have a non-lethal weapon equivalent of everything on the market, then why not start using them over deadly ones? I’m not just isolating citizens, I am saying police, military, governments, and any other person who uses a weapon. There will still be people with the lethal variety out there but non-lethal will incapacitate a person just the same. I think the way to shape society is choosing the better path. We will probably never settle human conflict but what if people had to really deal with each other because killing each other wasn’t an option? What if war planes could drop bombs with a non-lethal pulse that could render an entire city unconscious instead of nuking it? Or a sniper could knock out a person 500 yards away? Or a solider could use the equivalent of a non-lethal machine gun?

Gunfire and sounds of war. A bloody and battered solider approaches his lieutenant.

Solider: There are insurgents on all sides! They are closing in!

Lieutenant: It’s cool bro.

Solider: Sir, with all due respect. Half the platoon is dead and you say, “It’s cool bro!”

Lieutenant: Yeah man. We got the a non-lethal weapon that’s the shit.

Lieutenant pulls out a giant joint the size of a Volkswagen.

Lieutenant: This is some grade A shit man…

Later… All the soldiers and insurgents are stoned.

Insurgent: Why were we fighting again?

Solider: I don’t know man… Anyone got some chips?

Imagine if lethal weapons weren’t so easy to access. The random people shooter couldn’t really go out in the “blaze of glory” if he was being shot with non-lethal rounds. A hunter could still peg a deer across the valley but they will have to slit the animal’s throat in it’s sleep after it’s hit with the non-lethal projectile (Manly men will use their teeth over a knife). And for anyone who believes we need lethal weapons to protect themselves from the government, we are pretty much screwed whether or not private citizens have guns. The government has planes, missiles, nukes, drones, and all sorts of advanced weaponry. A militia in the Texas hills really can’t compete. If the government really did want to target private citizens who possess ideological differences, then stockpiling guns won’t do anything against a drone, a smart missile, and solider sitting in his underwear thousands of miles from the strike zone. Private citizen militias are like ants stockpiling weapons to protect themselves from construction equipment. Now keep in mind, I’m not really advocating the removal of weapons because it’s impossible to get by with out them. I’m just simply expressing the need to improve the humanity in our weapons.

Except for the hardcore Harry Potter fans, he'll always be The Doctor.

Alas poor Yorick. They will remember me as The Doctor over Hamlet. Where be your gibes, your gambles. A Dalek costume… not funny!

I’m assuming emotions like revenge are one reason we don’t switch to non-lethal weapons. But if not killing a person-no matter how much they deserve it-means even one more person who didn’t deserve to die is alive, I think it’s worth not having revenge. I understand revenge but it’s like any other emotion. People can learn to control their emotions. People can learn to deny instincts and emotion because life will be better for themselves or others. Alcoholics and Addicts train themselves to control their addiction. They will deny the emotional and instinctual state that put them there. So denying revenge by non-lethal weapons maybe counterintuitive for those that want it but we all don’t get want we want.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! I want him dead now!

Father: I know he killed One Direction but a person still deserves due process of law.

13-Year-Old Girl: But daddy! That’s not fair!

Father: If it were up to me, I’d give him a medal of honor. At least now, I won’t have to hear you play that album over and over again.

13-Year-Old Girl: Daddy! You are so stupid and mean!

Father: I’m just kidding. Come on honey!

I’m assuming the other reason why we don’t switch is money. Companies make a lot of money selling guns. It’s pretty big business when we think about the shear amount of them on the planet. So in order to really give the manufacturers incentive, the government would have to step in with subsidies and so forth to make non-lethal very profitable until the industry takes hold. We don’t even have to take away lethal weapons in the beginning. Our military and police could lead by example. Our citizens could be  given tax breaks and discounts to switch.

I think the big problem with society is that we almost never see the third option and we fear trying things another way. A mass shooting happens and gun control gets very polarized. Why not try it a different way? It’s of my personal belief that if you could arm everyone with non-lethal weapons every bit as effective as the lethal counter parts, the world will be a better place. So why not take steps to make it happen? If we really want to change, I think we need more third options.

7 Tips For Applying to College

Hands to yourself buddy!

We love diversity! Unless you’re gay. Just where is the other hand of that blonde surfer dude anyway?

1. IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO START YOUR COLLEGE SEARCH – If you want to get in a good school, you have to start thinking about it during at least your third cell-division during your conception. By the time you get to the fourth cell-division, schools like MIT and Harvard will have the admission team call you:

MIT Admissions Rep: Hi Jenny, this is MIT. We are calling because we have some good news.

Jenny: Yes! What is it?

MIT Admissions Rep: Just Kidding. You Suck!

Jenny: Hey! I was planning to go to MIT since birth!

MIT Admission Rep: Join the long line to be a Walgreens stocking clerk. Our students have been planning since the first cell-division.

Jenny: This is terrible.

MIT Admission Rep: When you are burnt out from working three jobs you hate to live a middle class lifestyle… Just remember, you could have been somebody if you only had a little foresight

Jenny: I should have listened to my in-womb guidance consoler!

What's he hiding under the desk?

Now give me a little spin. Let me see that butt.

2. WORK CLOSELY WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR – When your guidance counselor has requests like “show a little more skin” or “a young subtle youth as yourself will be successful with a little experience from an older gentleman such as myself”, it’s not weird at all. Most guidance counselors are hired for their extreme creepiness factor. That’s why high school students never see them.

High School Boy: I spend most of my time thinking about my future. I really don’t like thinking about sex at all.

Guidance Counselor: It’s ok to think about sex. You can tell me all those thoughts roaming around. Just don’t look me up in the sex offender database.

High School Boy: Jeepers! You are creepy mister. I’ve never even heard of sex before today. Or drugs.

Guidance Counselor: I got some weed in the office.

High School Boy: Zowie. You sure know how to get a person to think about his future.

Guidance Counselor: They kicked me out of being a health teacher you know…

3. EXPLORE MAJORS THAT MATCH YOUR SKILLS AND INTERESTS – Since the last sketch was unrealistic because most teenagers are interested in pretty much sex and/or drugs. Teens have a limited set of major choices. Botany is a good major for those with the softer drugs and Chemistry for the harder ones. For those looking for sex, any major will do. Graduate students are always willing to exchange grades for sexual favors.

Hot Student: If we have sex, will you give me an A?

Graduate Student: No

The new face of student loan debt control

Do you know how much we owe in student loans? This is the only way to realistically pay them off.

4. DON’T RULE OUT SCHOOLS BECAUSE OF COST – Most people think that school costs too much. But there are always ways to pay for school. You can pay for school like most people by robbing banks, whoring yourself, selling meth, and even kidnapping high profile people for ransom money.

Modified Voice: If you want to see MC Hammer alive, please deposit $2 million in cash.

Hammer Family: Hahaha! He has like $2 in his bank account.

Modified Voice: Then how about Mike Tyson!

Hammer Family: You’ll get some pocket change

Modified Voice: Donald Trump? He is doing really well for himself.

Hammer Family: He’s reality show whore. He’s dancing like a monkey for the network execs. He probably makes as much money as a rock star from the sixties.

Ringo Starr: I think I got a pen with my name on it from the first four Beatle albums.

 5. PRIORITIZE THE FACTORS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN A COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY – This one is really easy because college chicks and dudes are pretty much way hot no matter where you go. So the factor you’ll need to research is the access to drugs and alcohol. Usually, you’ll want to avoid places like “dry” because they don’t allow alcohol on campus. Unless you are looking for crazy drugs like injecting eightballs into your corneas, than you probably want “dry” campuses. Usually, the sheltered ones go off the deep end when they are exposed to the world.

Missionary: I am here to speak with you about god.

Dude: Do you want heroin?

Missionary: My mom always said I was a hero.

Dude: Welcome to Heaven on Earth…

Missionary steps into the house. Five hours later… Missionary is naked, in a fetal-position, and crying. Dude strokes his head.

Missionary: My mother was wrong…

Dude: Shhh…. shhh… the first step is acceptance.

Do students really study like this?

So we’ll place shooters: here, here, and here. Tammy you got the pipe bomb?

6. VISIT AS MANY UNIVERSITIES AS POSSIBLE – You want to make sure to visit colleges because you want to check out the bathrooms. Sketchy bathrooms equals sketchy college. You never see people taking craps in college brochures, yet you’ll have to take a shit at least once a day at the college. And being a person who was propositioned for gay sex in a college bathroom, you’ll want to know (so you can have that gay sex if you swing that way). Lucky for me, I was pretty clueless.

I was sitting on the toilet and this hand comes from under the stall. It was three fingers facing up. I later discovered from a gay buddy of mine that the hand signal was an old eighties “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” hand gesture.

Me: Do you need toilet paper?

No response. So I thought maybe he is a deaf mute. And deaf mutes need toilet paper too sometimes. So I took a giant wad of toilet paper and put it in his hand.

7. THINK QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY – This is probably the best advice for college. Crappy cheap beer and wine will give you massive hangovers the next day. You want to pay a little more so you don’t feel like shit the next day. Sulfates will kill your head. So when you apply to college, make sure the nearest liquor store has top shelf stuff. If it’s a 7-11 full of crappy beer, you’re going to spend a lot of your college experience hung-over. Unless you do too much drugs, than you’ll be crazy and homeless.

Missionary: I am one with the universe, man. All the acid…

Me: The blog post is over. You can go home.

Missionary: Oh… when do we get paid?

Me: I don’t get paid for writing it. Hell, I can’t even afford to hire actors to act out the sketches. Ringo Starr didn’t even get paid!

Ringo Starr: “Can’t Buy Me Love” can’t buy me anything!

Missionary: But I should get something!

Me: My heart felt gratitude for a job well done?

Wal-Mart Executive: Yes… a job well done… That should be employees’ motivation to work. We shouldn’t even have to pay them at all. We have to make money some how. My $30 million salary barely keeps up the rent on my castle. Poor people just don’t know how hard it is to be rich. Maybe I’ll cut paying employees all together and give them stickers to show what a good job they’ve been doing!

The Cat Toilet Training Days

Whoever said that you can’t train cats obviously didn’t have a year of free time and at least eight hours for their cats. I have a officially toilet trained my cats Darla and Ezri (yes, we are that nerdy). Since they are one-year-olds, I am hoping for at least 19 years of kitty litter-free living. For those cat owners whose heart just skipped a beat, yes it is possible. But don’t run for your credit card just yet.

It was about this time last year when my wife’s sister told her about this cat toilet training system called CitiKitty. My wife and I had just adopted kittens so we figured that it would be an excellent time to toilet train. With a little research, the product not only was cheap, it also seemed easy:

Unfortunately my cats didn’t watch the video. The next year of our life would be officially known by historians as “The Year of the Poop.” That’s of course assuming historians were paying attention to me and more specifically my cats. But with all the  cats on treadmills and cats batting at faucet stream videos on YouTube, historians probably really will look at cats from our time.

History Teacher: The cat was revered by ancient societies. Their historical archive called YouTube had more cat videos than anything else.

Student: Didn’t they also have videos about people getting kicked in the balls?

History Teacher: Historians believed ball kicks were sacrifices to the gods. They had a day of worship called Monday Night Football. Foot… ball.

Students: Ahhhh!

Another Student: But what about awful music videos? Those were also pretty popular.

History Teacher: But the most popular video of all time was the Gundam Style Friday Cat getting kicked in the balls.

Students: Ooooh!

“The Year of the Poop” started simply enough. We bought the CitiKitty training system and flushable cat litter. You’d expect flushable litter would be in every store but for some reason only Target carried it. We put the litter on the toilet for about a month before we started to get them used it and went to Germany. We decided to start the training coming home from Europe.

So the next few months were rather smelly and messy but not the most difficult part. If you watched the video, it seems simple. Keep punching out rings in the cat litter until there’s none. It seemed easy but what they didn’t tell you is that a thin litter pan gets dirty very quickly so I had to scrub, every night. Of course the cats would force me to scrub every night because they would except no less than a clean pan.

Ezri: He’s not cleaning the pan.

Darla: Time to pee in his bed again.

Ezri: Wait till he’s sleeping in it.

We learned pretty quickly that training cats is like teaching your grandparents to use Facebook from a smart phone.

Grandma: It’s not working.

Me: It’s working, you have to enter the unlock code.

Grandma: The unlo-what?

Me: The code we setup when you got the phone.

Grandma: I didn’t set up a code. It’s making that noise again.

Me: It’s because your grandchildren have tagged you in a picture.

Grandma: Can they do that? Is it legal?

Me: Hi folks, I’m from the Elderly Against Smartphone Commission. You’ve probably had this same conversation with your grandparents week and after tedious week.

Grandma: I heard that.

Me: Please do yourself a favor and if you want to stay connected to your grandparents. Go visit them and don’t get them a Smartphone for fuck’s sake.

Grandma: I heard that too.

So needless to say, cats don’t change very easily. My wife’s sister and her girlfriend had to abandon their quest after the cats developed an affinity for peeing on the bathroom rug. Thankfully, my cats learned proper pee technique pretty early. The cats will eventually learn what you want them to learn, you just have to have more patience than Jesus. And Jesus has a lot of patience.

Jesus: Could I get a Big Mac meal?

Street Vendor: That won’t be invented for about 2,000 years.

Jesus: I’ll wait.

The secret to training your cats is positive reinforcement rather than negative.  When the cats would poop in a location that wasn’t the toilet (such as the bathtub), we’d spray them or scold them. The scolding would only end up making them scared to poop. So we bought treats to give to them for pooping. And covered the wrong places for them to poop with the electric fence for kitties. We filled the bathtub full of water. The first and last time she jumped in the bathtub was followed by a splash and a hilarious yowl. I really wish I was faster on the smart phone draw for that one.

Our more social cat, Darla, seemed to pick up the training very quickly. Her accidents were few and training seemed to stick. Ezri, the cat whose idea of a good time is hiding in the back room until someone sits at computer desk then venturing for a few moments of lap time, was a different story. She decided the toilet water is the litter. So she scraps the water before and after she uses it. For example:

When something jars her small world, like fireworks in July, or a friend staying in our guest room, she becomes convinced that the toilet is an abomination and will hold it until she has the hallway to herself at night. So we were determined to not have come so far on a dream. Martin Luther King’s first draft of the “I have a dream” speech was about his cats:

MLK: I have a dream that one day, cats will use toilets.

Buddy: Um… you may want to rewrite that.

MLK: But I bought this CitiKitty…

So in order to prevent night poopings, we locked the kitties in the bathroom at during the wee hours (Ha! I made a funny!). They surprisingly like being in the bathroom at night. When I pulled the cat tree into the bathroom, they sit on it and wait for me to tuck them in. I am assuming they like it for the same reasons dogs can be cage trained. But they probably really like being in the bathroom at night for other reasons.

Darla: The humans are asleep. Pull out your iPad.

Ezri: Got it.

Darla: Open your Cats Will Rule the World app and connect to the Southwest meeting.

So after about a year of picking up the cat and putting her on the toilet when I see her scrapping invisible litter in the hallway, and using kitty mind control (dehydrated shrimp snacks),  Ezri “Two Shrimps” Karas-Frale finally uses the toilet.  So perseverance does pay. Now, if I can only teach my cats to flush…

My wife: Hey Aaron, why do we have a $3,142 water bill?

Flush… flush… flush… in the background. I shrug. Laugh track and freeze frame.