1. IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO START YOUR COLLEGE SEARCH – If you want to get in a good school, you have to start thinking about it during at least your third cell-division during your conception. By the time you get to the fourth cell-division, schools like MIT and Harvard will have the admission team call you:
MIT Admissions Rep: Hi Jenny, this is MIT. We are calling because we have some good news.
Jenny: Yes! What is it?
MIT Admissions Rep: Just Kidding. You Suck!
Jenny: Hey! I was planning to go to MIT since birth!
MIT Admission Rep: Join the long line to be a Walgreens stocking clerk. Our students have been planning since the first cell-division.
Jenny: This is terrible.
MIT Admission Rep: When you are burnt out from working three jobs you hate to live a middle class lifestyle… Just remember, you could have been somebody if you only had a little foresight
Jenny: I should have listened to my in-womb guidance consoler!
2. WORK CLOSELY WITH YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR – When your guidance counselor has requests like “show a little more skin” or “a young subtle youth as yourself will be successful with a little experience from an older gentleman such as myself”, it’s not weird at all. Most guidance counselors are hired for their extreme creepiness factor. That’s why high school students never see them.
High School Boy: I spend most of my time thinking about my future. I really don’t like thinking about sex at all.
Guidance Counselor: It’s ok to think about sex. You can tell me all those thoughts roaming around. Just don’t look me up in the sex offender database.
High School Boy: Jeepers! You are creepy mister. I’ve never even heard of sex before today. Or drugs.
Guidance Counselor: I got some weed in the office.
High School Boy: Zowie. You sure know how to get a person to think about his future.
Guidance Counselor: They kicked me out of being a health teacher you know…
3. EXPLORE MAJORS THAT MATCH YOUR SKILLS AND INTERESTS – Since the last sketch was unrealistic because most teenagers are interested in pretty much sex and/or drugs. Teens have a limited set of major choices. Botany is a good major for those with the softer drugs and Chemistry for the harder ones. For those looking for sex, any major will do. Graduate students are always willing to exchange grades for sexual favors.
Hot Student: If we have sex, will you give me an A?
Graduate Student: No
4. DON’T RULE OUT SCHOOLS BECAUSE OF COST – Most people think that school costs too much. But there are always ways to pay for school. You can pay for school like most people by robbing banks, whoring yourself, selling meth, and even kidnapping high profile people for ransom money.
Modified Voice: If you want to see MC Hammer alive, please deposit $2 million in cash.
Hammer Family: Hahaha! He has like $2 in his bank account.
Modified Voice: Then how about Mike Tyson!
Hammer Family: You’ll get some pocket change
Modified Voice: Donald Trump? He is doing really well for himself.
Hammer Family: He’s reality show whore. He’s dancing like a monkey for the network execs. He probably makes as much money as a rock star from the sixties.
Ringo Starr: I think I got a pen with my name on it from the first four Beatle albums.
5. PRIORITIZE THE FACTORS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN A COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY – This one is really easy because college chicks and dudes are pretty much way hot no matter where you go. So the factor you’ll need to research is the access to drugs and alcohol. Usually, you’ll want to avoid places like “dry” because they don’t allow alcohol on campus. Unless you are looking for crazy drugs like injecting eightballs into your corneas, than you probably want “dry” campuses. Usually, the sheltered ones go off the deep end when they are exposed to the world.
Missionary: I am here to speak with you about god.
Dude: Do you want heroin?
Missionary: My mom always said I was a hero.
Dude: Welcome to Heaven on Earth…
Missionary steps into the house. Five hours later… Missionary is naked, in a fetal-position, and crying. Dude strokes his head.
Missionary: My mother was wrong…
Dude: Shhh…. shhh… the first step is acceptance.
6. VISIT AS MANY UNIVERSITIES AS POSSIBLE – You want to make sure to visit colleges because you want to check out the bathrooms. Sketchy bathrooms equals sketchy college. You never see people taking craps in college brochures, yet you’ll have to take a shit at least once a day at the college. And being a person who was propositioned for gay sex in a college bathroom, you’ll want to know (so you can have that gay sex if you swing that way). Lucky for me, I was pretty clueless.
I was sitting on the toilet and this hand comes from under the stall. It was three fingers facing up. I later discovered from a gay buddy of mine that the hand signal was an old eighties “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” hand gesture.
Me: Do you need toilet paper?
No response. So I thought maybe he is a deaf mute. And deaf mutes need toilet paper too sometimes. So I took a giant wad of toilet paper and put it in his hand.
7. THINK QUALITY, NOT QUANTITY – This is probably the best advice for college. Crappy cheap beer and wine will give you massive hangovers the next day. You want to pay a little more so you don’t feel like shit the next day. Sulfates will kill your head. So when you apply to college, make sure the nearest liquor store has top shelf stuff. If it’s a 7-11 full of crappy beer, you’re going to spend a lot of your college experience hung-over. Unless you do too much drugs, than you’ll be crazy and homeless.
Missionary: I am one with the universe, man. All the acid…
Me: The blog post is over. You can go home.
Missionary: Oh… when do we get paid?
Me: I don’t get paid for writing it. Hell, I can’t even afford to hire actors to act out the sketches. Ringo Starr didn’t even get paid!
Ringo Starr: “Can’t Buy Me Love” can’t buy me anything!
Missionary: But I should get something!
Me: My heart felt gratitude for a job well done?
Wal-Mart Executive: Yes… a job well done… That should be employees’ motivation to work. We shouldn’t even have to pay them at all. We have to make money some how. My $30 million salary barely keeps up the rent on my castle. Poor people just don’t know how hard it is to be rich. Maybe I’ll cut paying employees all together and give them stickers to show what a good job they’ve been doing!