Welcome to post 200! I wanted to do something big in celebration of my 200th post. Since my most popular post to date was about reasons the rapture would good for those of us left on Earth, I thought a post poking fun at religion would be appropriate to ring in the 200’s. Hopefully, I’ll have religious fanatics picketing this blog or at very least offend some people who use God as their defense for being an asshole. For all of you that are not assholes and also religious, remember that I believe there is nothing inherently wrong with religion. However, there are flawed people and those people are the ones who fuck it up for everyone else. So to paraphrase Jesus, “don’t be an asshole” and enjoy the post:
1. Don’t Worship Other Gods – Aside from the fact that it’s a really dick move to say you can’t have any friends but God, he really knew what he was doing with this one. Imagine the pay cut God would take if people had to tithe to many gods.
God: Have you given ten percent?
Rich Asshole: More like 4%. Shiva and Poseidon take a cut!
God: I should be your only god!
Rich Asshole: Shiva destroys my competition and Poseidon keeps the shipping lanes clear. If I didn’t give many gods a cut, I wouldn’t be making half the money I make.
God: You think this crystal kingdom is cheap? You are killing me here!
Rich Asshole: So if I killed some hookers in my life time, could I give 10% and still get into heaven?
God: Done. I think I see a need for some commandments.
2. No False Idols – This probably was the most sensible one of the ten. So take down those Justin Bieber and One Direction posters. They make god angry.
God: That’s right. Fuck those guys.
3. Don’t Take God’s Name in Vain – The problem with this one is that no one really knows god’s name anymore. So phrase’s like “god dammit” technically don’t break any rules.
A student is typing. His computer says “network error”.
Student: God dammit. I hate this computer.
God: I shall strike thee down with great fiery vengeance.
The computer burns with holy fire.
Student: Dude! What the hell man? I need that! Finals are this week!
God: But you told me to damn it!
Student: It was an expression. Like Zeus Dammit. Maybe I can salvage the hard drive…
Lighting crackles and strikes the husk of the computer.
Zeus: Someone order a lightning bolt?
Student: Fuck!
Thor smashes it with his hammer.
Thor: I smash when people say fuck. It’s what I do.
Student: All of you gods get the fuck out of here.
Thor smashes the student with his hammer.
God: We are really going to need to clarify this name in vain thing. I’m stick of false house calls…
4. Remember the Sabbath – The first four are pretty silly in the context of anything other than religion. Imagine if McDonald’s didn’t want you to go anywhere else? You shall worship Ronald! Throw away all your Burger King hats. You will not say anything bad about the food. And get Happy Meals every Sunday! But number four isn’t about going to church. It was about Black Sabbath. God wants you to rock every Sunday.
God plays air guitar.
God: People think I’m insane because I am frowning at the time! Um… I mean wrath! Angry god! Urrr….
5. Honor Thy Father and Mother – So Ariel Castro’s kid has to honor him? People are giving Ariel Castro’s kid a hard time because of his serial killer rapist father. People say that he must of known about the women his pop held captive for ten years. But if my father was a serial killer rapist, I probably wouldn’t visit. So I think Ariel Castro’s kid is well justified in not honoring his father or visiting him ever.
God: Don’t point out the grey areas! If people think for themselves, their priests can’t tell them what to do!
6. Thou Shalt Not Kill – But it’s completely cool for soldiers, self-defense, when they own resources you want, when there are ideological differences, or when they worship pretty much the same god with slight differences. For the all the killing thou shalt not do, history sure seems to have a lot of it.
Phone rings.
Secretary: God’s desk. This is Jeannette.
Caller 1: Hello, this is Akbar “Kill-American-Pig-Dog” Alla’din. I want to check on my Holy War.
Secretary: Hang on. Let see. God has you scheduled for a holy war this Thursday at three.
Caller 1: Eastern or Middle Eastern Standard Time?
Secretary: GMT.
Caller 1: Thank you. The infidels will burn with vengeance.
Phone Rings.
Secretary: Please hold… God’s desk.
Caller 2: This is the Westboro Baptist Church. We were looking to kill us some gays but on a regular basis. Can we schedule Holy War Thursdays?
Secretary: I’m sorry. Thursday is booked.
Phone rings.
Secretary: Hang on… Please hold. God’s desk.
Caller 3: I’d like to schedule a holy war.
Secretary: Who do you plan to kill?
Caller 3: Well, no one, these guys keep depanting me in gym class.
Secretary: It’s only a holy war if you kill each other for ideological differences.
Caller 3: Can’t God turn them into salt or something? Send them a message.
Secretary: Look, this line is for crusaders, holy wars, and Michael Bay only.
Caller 3: Michael Bay has a direct line to God?
Secretary: You think he gets by on talent alone?
Caller 3: He does have pretty incomprehensible action sequences and shallow characters.
Secretary: Now you’re getting it. Look kid, I’ll send a Jihadist group to your school and take care of those bullies.
Caller 3: Jeepers! Really! God really does answer prayers.
Secretary: He’s out golfing. Boss gets all the credit. We do all the work.
Caller 3: What?
Secretary: You’ll find out when you’re older.
A few weeks later… A Jewish Holy Fighter Squad Breaks into the Northbrook Middle School Gym.
Jewish Holy Fighter: We will bring down the wrath of god to all those who depants.
Bully: Bro, aren’t Jewish people the victims of history?
Jewish Holy Fighter: Never again. Starting with people who depants.
Nerdy kid: Yes!
7. Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery – God should have been a little more clear on this rule. Adultery is off the table. But choir boys, no problems there.
Priest: Hi Jimmy. Do you want to earn a pack of bubble gum?
Jimmy drops his robe.
Priest: What the hell are you doing? Put your robe back on. I was going to ask you to get the wafers ready for mass.
Jimmy: Aren’t you going to molest me?
Priest: Whoa! That’s sick! I know the ten commandments don’t have an issue with it but I do.
Jimmy: Oh come on! I’ll steal some of my dad’s whiskey.
Priest: I’m not going to molest you.
Jimmy: You some sort of square?
Priest: I’m going to call your parents.
Jimmy: I got to get my first sexual experience someday. You want me to die a virgin?
Priest: Shouldn’t you be worried about capturing fireflies or something?
Jimmy: Fireflies? Who needs bugs when you’ve got the internet?
Priest: Do your parents do any parenting at all?
Jimmy: They work all day and night. I’m lucky if I see them once a week. The internet and Xbox are my parents. So we going to have sex or not?
Kid punches the Priest.
Priest: Where did you learn about sex?
Jimmy: Grand Theft Auto. Sex is when you slap a hoe around.
Weeks later… priest has record numbers in his church.
Priest: So Jesus bitched slapped Lazarus and said, “Fucking stab that needle in the heart. This fucker is about to OD!”
Congregation Member: Best service ever…
8. Thou Shall Not Steal – This one is pretty clear. Unless it’s a “lawful war”, then it’s spoils of war. And what’s a “lawful war” anyway?
God: Don’t take anything that’s not yours. But if it were to be leftover after a war…
George W. Bush: But I really want that oil. Now! It’s mine!
God: Do I have to spell it out for you? Make up some shit about WMD’s and start a god damn war.
George W. Bush: Too many big words.
God: Do I really have to do everything for you? I’ll write your speeches.
Later… at the State of the Union.
George W. Bush: Say “I” then spell the word “cup”.
God hits his forehead.
9. Don’t Lie About Your Neighbors – But everyone else is fair game. That’s why corporate America is pretty much ok with spinning any bullshit.
Bullshit 1: 9/10 doctors agree that Cancer Man Cigarette will cure your kid’s cough.
Bullshit 2: Bottled water is healthier than tap water which cities test 10 times a day while bottled water goes virtually untested!
Bullshit 3: The government serves the people rather than a few people trying to get rich.
All these are ok by biblical standards. And we really need to make rules based on the bible. If we used the bible as a morale code, we could sell our children into slavery and give struggling American families an economic boost!
10. Don’t Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife – I think this one really shows the age of the bible. If god didn’t really want you to be lustful, then maybe he should have added an Internet Porn clause.
Peter: Looks like you’ve followed all the ten commandments. Welcome to heaven!
Guy: Sweet!
Peter: Now, before we get started, what was your profession?
Guy: Jack-off King!
Peter: Really?
Guy: Seriously, I figured that I really liked jacking off so I thought that I’d setup a webcam and get paid for it.
Peter: So people would pay to watch you jack-off?
Guy: There is something for everyone on the internet.
Peter: Right. Well, the jack-off part of heaven is full.
Guy: Really?
Peter: Well yeah. You think all people without sin are young, hot, sexually active people?
Guy: So heaven is full of recluses?
Peter: Yep. So long as they are not coveting their neighbor’s wife…
God: Hello, I’d like thank you for joining us for this humor post. If you can’t laugh at religion, then you probably take it way too seriously. And religion taken way too seriously leads too:
Time Burrito 