10 Uses for Halloween Makeup

This is what happens when you walk into a spider web.

I’m here about the job for Spider Queen. What do you mean it’s already filled?

Ever notice how those Halloween makeup kits give you enough makeup for the entire cast of Cats the musical? You are only going to use it for one night. So here are some post-Halloween makeup uses:

1. Rob a bank – Who doesn’t need extra holiday cash? And why do we have super villain teams who spend more time on their coordinated makeup than planning the robbery? Either way, you won’t have to tell Timmy he doesn’t get Christmas presents because you spent it all on Halloween candy this year.

2. Smear on face and take revenge – Every person who is out for revenge always seems to smear stuff on their face. Rumpelstiltskin smeared black claw marks. Rambo caked stuff on his face. Braveheart is a blue-faced killing machine. If you are going to go on some epic revenge quest, don’t forget the face paint.

3. Teach class – All you teacher’s out there who are bored, you have options that don’t involve cooking Meth. You can paint your face and take on a wacky personality. If the students reject the ploy, then pull out a gun and start acting really disturbed. That will get their attention and a learning student is one who is paying attention.

4. Wear black face – I know this is completely racist and offensive. But what if you really were black underneath the black face? That will get them thinking! Because obscure performance art always gets people thinking.

5. Wicked Witch of Savings and Loans – Let’s face it. Bankers really can’t have any fun. People take money way too seriously. What if you cackled loudly like a witch every time you denied a loan? That would add some spice to the workplace.

6. Data from Star Trek – Everyone will completely understand why you are socially awkward and lonely when you are dressed like Data. Most androids have trouble fitting into society norms, especially at Taco Bell. When you twitch your head and ask if the Baja Blast will cause problems with your circuitry, the clerk will totally know what you are going through because who hasn’t wanted to be an android traveling on a star ship in the distant future?

7. Tourist Information Guy – Who needs Siri or Google when Tourist Information Guy is on the job? Looking for a place to eat? Tourist Information Guy will save the day. Wondering when the museum will close? Tourist Information Guy has brochures! Smuggling a balloon of heroin in your butt? Tourist Information Guy isn’t really comfortable with this.

8. Hospital Creepy Guy – Walk around as the Grimm Reaper and point to random patients. Throw in a deep guttural “you!” for good measure. Insist you are only doing it to help patients come to terms with their own mortality. When they tell you the patient only had a skinned knee, tell them you never know when something will become infected.

9. Bowling Alley Goth – True Story: I was playing a Goth kid with face paint during a stage play. The cast decided to go bowling. The only bowling alley that was opened late night was the musty, old, wood-paneled, redneck singles club where a gun rack in the pickup would be a requirement for membership. I forgot to wash the makeup off and arrived about 15 minutes before the rest of the cast did.

10. Cultist Prankster – Join a cult. Then during the ritual sacrifice make farting noises. Insist to fellow cult members you are more of a self sexual abuser. Make punching and crying noises at night. Replace all doctrine documents with copies of The Secret. Tip off the FBI and plan a stand-off at Chuck E. Cheese.

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