The Case for Invading Jamaica

The government seems to be really concerned with this budget thing. The solution to all the US money troubles is really easy. We can invade a small country with a wealthy resource. Right now, the US military is pretty much the best in the whole world. We can take out a terrorist leader reading a book to an elementary school class and not harm the kids.

Osama Bin Laden: Akbar Goes to Broadway by Osama Bin Me. Akbar decided to visit New York and discovered it was full of, you might want to close your ears if you are squeamish, Americans! The Americans seemed to be everywhere. Except in the musical Annie, Akbar loved the musical Annie so it was probably a Canadian musical. Akbar needed get rid of all the Americans and get the cast of Annie safely back to Canada. Akbar decided to talk to his ex-KGB assassin buddy living in exile about a neutron bomb.

Teacher: Excuse me children… Mr. Bin Laden. There is a Mr. H.E. Drone here to see you.

Osama Bin Laden: Oh no, not that guy! He’s boring.

H.E. Drone: Whhhaaaaaatttt ddddooooo yyoooouuuu meeeeaaan IIIII aaaammm bbooorrriiinggg? Issss iiiiittt beeecauuuusseeee IIIII drooooone?

Osama Bin Laden explodes from a smart missile.

Teacher: Alright kids. I guess story time is over. Let’s open your books to math. Alrighty, so a train with a bomb leaves New York going at 95 miles an hour. A terrorist wants it to explode at 2:30….

If we have the best military in the whole world, why don’t we invade countries with a profitable natural resource and use the money to pay all our debt and balance the budget? It totally worked in Iraq so we can make it work again. However, oil is so early 2000’s. We need to think about the future and a resource that will always be in high demand. That’s why the US should invade Jamaica. We must send a message to the president about the need to invade Jamaica without delay.

We got the map. All we need are miniature troop models to slide across it.

Bomb here. But watch the weed fields.

Marijuana is a very profitable plant and those Jamaicans really know how to make money off of it. When my parents took a cruise, they were offered pot at least twenty times during their one day on the island. My parents could have made a small fortune if they decided to get into the international drug smuggling business. I bet certain circus performers could be really good at drug smuggling.

Interviewer: So why do you want to be in the drug smuggling industry?

Circus Performer: I can fit 5 pounds of Meth into my anus.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Circus Performer: Does this position come with benefits?

And because the Jamaicans are pretty relaxed and really friendly, I bet the invasion will be super easy. The US could sort of walk in and take over the country. We won’t even need excuses like WMD’s because the country is way laid back. The closest WMD in Jamaica is “Wicked Marijuana Dawg!” We even have a perfect Trojan horse already put in place. All the soldiers could just hide on a cruise ship and invade at their leisure. Imagine if we used that tactic on D-day. I bet there would have been a lot less death.

The brochure said nothing about the blood!

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the “Best Shell Fish in all of Normandy?”

Nazi Scout: There are a bunch of cruise ships on their way.

Nazi Commander: Finally! Tourism is picking up again! And better yet, a reason to play my Collected Hawaiian Hits record collection. Tell the troops to put on their Hawaiian shirts. And get my ten thousand coconut drinks with those tiny umbrellas!

Nazi Scout: Heir Commandant. We have no umbrellas.

Nazi Commander: What? No umbrellas! Kill them! Bomb them all! Crush the life out of their very existence!

Once the US has controlling interest of all the sweet Jamaican hash, we will be able to pay off all our debts and maybe even have some left over to get all the American citizens pinball machines. Because pinball machines are wicked cool yo.