CLAREANNE runs out, frantic. MELISSA stands next to a CHAIR.
CLAREANNE: Oh my God!
CLAREANNE: Nice chair…
MELISSA: Thanks. Family heirloom. Antique.
CLAREANNE: Oh my God!
CLAREANNE: I remembered why I ran out so quickly! My boyfriend won the lottery!
MELISSA: That’s great!
CLAREANNE: No… He got arrested for overdue parking violations on the way to the lotto office.
MELISSA: That’s not so great. So, let’s use the lotto money to bail him out. Or better yet, I have a piggy bank!
CLAREANNE: No good. We can’t get his possessions until we bail him out. Where are we going to get the money?
They both look at the chair.
MELISSA: It was my grandfather’s!
CLAREANNE: We’ll buy you a new one.
MELISSA: But my grandfather died in this chair!
CLAREANNE: My grandfather died in his sleep. It doesn’t mean I kept his bed… Gross.
MELISSA: We are not selling the chair. My grandpa killed Nazis in this chair!
CLAREANNE: Okay, fine. We won’t sell the chair…
MELISSA: Why don’t we just wait till he gets out of prison then collect the lotto winnings?
CLAREANNE: Right. Like a guard isn’t going to see that he has the winning ticket and exchange it for another one.
MELISSA: Sometimes, guards have sex with prisoners. I saw it on Netflix.
CLAREANNE: So do the prisoners! Think, if a prisoner discovers he has the winning ticket, Ted will be exchanged for cigarettes! Do you know how many cigarettes a winning lotto ticket will buy!
MELISSA: That’s right! Then everyone will have cancer from smoking.
CLAREANNE: Yeah, and we don’t want to give those inmates cancer do we? Unless we just simply…
MELISSA: Put warning labels on all the cigarettes!
Clareanne tries to take the chair.
MELISSA: You put that down! Clareanne!
Clareanne motions to put the chair down, then bolts. Melissa runs after her. There is a scuffle, followed by a large thump. Melissa wanders back on stage with the chair. STEVE runs out.
STEVE: Clareanne? Clareanne? Oh, hey Melissa. You wouldn’t believe it, but we need money to bail Ted out of prison. Hey, that’s a nice chair…
Melissa glares at Steve. She raises the chair to attack.
Get the rest of this play and more in my collection of comedy theatre work.