DRUNK.

My friends made a comedy film:

You can get the DVD here.

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The Relativistic Effects on the Flash

Since I have been up to my ears in promoting the new album, I don’t really have anything this week so I dusted off an old Bunny Droppings entry. Enjoy!

The Flash probably has a shitty dating life because of the Relativistic Effects of a person moving at near light speeds. For those of you that think I’m talking about a metal band, I’m referring to Einstein’s Special Relativity. Einstein, (for people that woke up in this strange new century of flying beasts and talking picture boxes) is the man that invented Tivo. The Germans kicked him out the country for wasting their time while they had important world domination plans (1). Einstein then came to the US where we got his picture taken with his tongue sticking out. This picture is now a poster on the walls of college dorms across America.

In layperson’s terms, the theory of relativity states that if a person moves at near light speed, they will age normally, while the universe ages around them at an accelerated pace (2). This is called Time Dilation, named after a metal band. The Flash is able to move at incredibly fast speeds, so it’s safe to assume that he would undergo some Relativistic Effects. I’m sure this causes issues in his dating life.

Young Woman: Do me now you big hot hunk of man beef!

The Flash does her.

Flash: How was that? Baby… Baby?

The shriveled remains of an eighty year old corpse lies on the bed.

Flash: Gross.

Another factor in the Flash’s love life from moving at high speeds is Length Contraction (3). Simply put, Length Contraction is when objects that go fast get shorter, including the penis. This can cause serious doubts in his manhood. Self confidence issues can lead to all sorts of things, like clicking on penis enlarging spam emails, then fifty pop-ups later finding a hot woman that will take her cloths off for you in front of webcam for 50 dollars! But only to be sad again because the penis is to small to enjoy the webcam experience. This leads to suicide.

So now the Flash is dead! You see? Are you happy now? Let’s see what Einstein has to say about that:

“I should have become a watchmaker.” -Einstein

Now let’s stop to think about this quote…

That’s exactly what I thought too. But how will we get so much latex gloves and chicken feathers?

In conclusion, I have finished writing and will now include footnotes.

(1) They later discovered that Einstein’s ideas could be used to make weapons of mass destruction such as recording reruns of Baywatch.

(2) Example: An Emo band crying about their lost girlfriends is moving at near light speed. They are still full of teen angst when they get back while the rest of the world will have moved on. What makes it different from today is that it’s eighty years in the future.

(3) Named after a New Wave band.

Why We Are Not Allowed to Leave Earth

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I recently discovered that there is a version of the Harry Potter books in ancient Greek. I think this is further proof of an alien conspiracy. Allow me to elaborate.

There are only two groups of humans that use ancient Greek in their day to day lives, beer guzzling frat boys and scholars, only one of which can read. Usually, the frat boys use ancient Greek in a more contemporary sense such as, “Kappa Sigma Chi rules!” and then smashing a beer can on their head. The scholars use it in the well respected pursuit of learning sense such as, “The Aristotelian education system rules!” and then smashing a glass of nice port on their head.

A group of stuffy looking scholars surround a port bong. One of them is taking a hit.

Scholars: Chug! Chug! Chug!

The Chugging Scholar coughs and spits up some port.

Scholars: Whooo! Yeah!

Scholar One: Way to hit the port bong bro!

Scholar Two: No joke! Hey dude, can you like hook me up with your sister? The instructor in the Dance department?

Ancient Greek is a language that is no longer used by most people. Those that know it well enough to be able to read Harry Potter will more than likely know another language. I doubt that the ancient Greek translation exists for all those people out there that only know ancient Greek and lack the educational opportunities to learn another language. What other purpose could this book serve other than to market to other alien civilizations?

I bet it’s for an alien race that visited the planet during the time of the Greeks and don’t have any records of our modern languages. Think of the ancient Greek Harry Potter as the interplanetary release edition. I wonder if the alien races will get free super saver shipping from Amazon with interstellar shipping? And what about Amazon Prime interstellar customers?

Amazon shipping clerks pack ancient Greek Harry Potter, ancient Sumerian Chicken Soup for the Soul, and ancient Mayan The Secret.

ASC 1: Gwartoch of the crab Nebula wants free two day shipping!

ASC 2: We better call Richard Dean Anderson again.

Books like the Harry Potter series are innocent enough. What happens when we start translating books like Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story by Richard Simmons or True Face of God by the Raelian Movement? The aliens will simply categorize the human race as a pollution of knowledge and prevent them from ever leaving the planet.

Think what would happen if the wealth of human knowledge became unleashed on an unsuspecting advanced alien civilization? Our scientific achievements will pale in comparison to their own. They really won’t spend much time on say, the current theories of quantum mechanics because they already have a more advanced theory. In essence, all our science will be nothing more than nostalgia value.

Alien One: Wow, their current theory of gravitational force is still relativity! Remember when we were kids and tried build a relativistic worm hole traveler out of trashcans? And Xaigruk melted his sire’s kitchen?

Alien Two: Good times. Good times. Those were the days. Hey, why are we speaking English?

Alien One: I don’t know…

All our science is ancient history to them. The only export we could give them is our entertainment, which could be very detrimental. All sorts of unneeded influences could hinder their civilization. A team of scientists working diligently to save their home star system from going super nova could waste valuable time because they just had to see who was voted off this week in The Bachelor. Earthling worshipping cults could pop up everywhere after they read People Magazine. Days of research and the pursuit of learning could be lost when they purchase the DVD sets of their favorite television shows and start thinking, “One more episode couldn’t hurt.”

In short, our entertainment will be the end of an advanced alien civilization as we know it and the beginning of a larger viewing demographic for American Idol. Hopefully, when Simon tells a three eyed snarling beast to give up singing, it would eat him and end that series for good. The easier solution would be to prevent humans from leaving the planet. Just isolate our system and filter out the frequencies that leave the planet.

Like any good alien conspiracy theory, it must be based on a wild premise with unfounded truths. I think, I’ve established those already. It’s clear that the handwriting is vaguely on the wall. So what can we do about this alien conspiracy? Just mere undressing ceremonies like the Raelians won’t do it. (Besides, would you share your vast scientific knowledge with thousands of naked cult members that think Cheez Whiz is a gift from the Gods if someone wrote the bible in Chez Whiz?).

I think it’s time to take action and purchase all the copies of my books, movies, and rock albums that you can (with links conveniently located on the sidebar —>). That way, like any good alien conspiracy cult leader, I can use the proceeds to build a ‘church’ that is just disguised as my fifty bedroom house. Then I can spread the word of the religion faster with a really nice sports car that gets 2 mpg (It’s all for a good cause). The money will slowly filter back to the little people when I take vacations, I mean missions, around the world. It’s a perfect plan to thwart the alien conspiracy. My cult will be named, the Fralean Movement.

I even have a photo of your dear leader to worship:

Na-na-na-nan-na-na Leader!

Leader of the Fraleans looks stoically to the future

15 TV Pilot Failures

From the Bunny Droppings files:

1. CSI Leave It to Beaver – The first episode involved a lot of a vomiting from the Beave and Wally. Eventually, Wally downward spiraled into heroin addiction.

2. V: North Korea – The Aliens began worshiping the Kim Jong-Il like a god and wondered what the hell happened? They were supposed to be the terror dictators!

3. Lost: Central Park – They eventually escaped after one of them hailed a cab, but not after a few hobo fights.

4. American President – Kind of like American Idol except for the presidential election. Simon was discovered dead in his bedroom from “natural causes.”

5. The Prisoner Blues Clues – Steve ended up on the spy prison island. Blue was number 2. Famous quote: “I’m not a number. I’m a free man! Let’s dance.”

6. The Never-ending X-Files – It really wouldn’t end when it should. Just like the original X-Files. Zing!

7. Fresh Prince of 24 – Parachute pants weren’t really effective means to go undercover from the terrorists.

8. Who wants to be a Terror Dictator? – The contestants started worshiping one of the judges, Kim Jong-il. How does that guy do that?

9. Elmo the Vampire Slayer – Killed in the pilot. However, Ernie experimented with witchcraft and discovered his true feelings for Burt.

10. Phreak Factor – Just like Fear Factor except with Meth addicts.

11. Full Big House – The entire cast of Full House in prison. Uncle Jesse had the map tattooed on his chest. Bonus feature on the DVD set featured a cut shower scene with Joey saying, “Is it made of wood?”

12. Battlestar West Wing – Featured an insane doctor that kept speaking to an imagined Cylon Hilary Clinton.

13. All in the Borg Family – Good old fashion assimilation values.

14. Win Ben Stein’s Used Toiletries – They couldn’t find any contestants except for a couple of stalkers.

15. Eat, Drink and Be Larry’s made for TV dramas – This is serious guys! Shut up! Stop laughing!

Come to Albuquerque this Summer!

Looking for travel plans this summer? Take a look at this old Bunny Droppings file for all the Albuquerque travel faqs you’ll need. Sorry no faqing refunds.

Q: Do I need a passport to travel to New Mexico?

A: New Mexico is a state of the United States (1912) last time I checked a history book. It is still a hangable offense to steal a cow so the “state” part is debatable.  You might want to stick to minor poultry crimes while you are here.

Q: What can I see while I am in Albuquerque?

A: Lot’s of things!  A whole bunch of things!  More things than you can imagine!

Q: Like?

A: Dirt.

Q: Dirt?

A: We have many lovely shades of dirt if you would like.

Q: I mean landmarks.

A: You can see the historic Old Town.  There you can purchase many New Mexican arts and crafts (beads, pots, jewelry) which no New Mexicans actually own.  They just sell them to the tourists.  There is also the Balloon Fiesta.

Q: That sounds fun, what is the Balloon Fiesta?

A: It is the largest gathering of balloons, orange barrels, and traffic problems in the world.  During the balloon fiesta, you can see anything involving hot air including, balloons and public officials.  Every morning during the Balloon Fiesta, you will be captivated in awe by a rare sight where you can see hundreds of balloons dotting the horizon.  This beautiful picture prefect moment causes traffic to back-up because all the motorists are busy being captivated in awe.  Anytime the traffic backs up, the city then tries to solve the traffic problem by mass producing hordes of orange barrels and littering the streets with them often blocking off several lanes of traffic.

Q: Wouldn’t that cause more traffic problems?

A: One would think that is the case but that’s not true. Orange barrels are actually much like zombies. They appear in mass quantity, cause all sorts of havoc, but eventually clear the area of all life. New life eventually returns.

Q: I don’t know if I want to go to Albuquerque anymore.

A: They only eat the slow ones.

Q: I guess Albuquerque could be fun if you like guns and action.

A: As well as chainsaws. Nothing takes care of orange barrel hordes like chainsaws.

Q: What is something that is uniquely Albuquerque?

A: All the fast food places have a steady supply of green chile.

Q: It comes in green?

A: Green, Red, and watch your ass.

Q: I’m thinking about taking my kids. Is there anything the kids can do while the adults, well… party?

A: There is this toothless homeless guy on Central that seems harmless enough. He-

Q: No! I mean like in Vegas when you toss the kids into a wonderland of midway fair type games that have a strange “gambling for children” vibe?

A: Did I mention all the casinos have black light bowling alleys?

Q: I am so there!

A: Why do people travel to casinos anyway? Don’t people go to other cities to experience other cultures, not the sort of facsimile culture that casino/resorts provide?

Q: Shut up! I am doing blow off a stripper I hired with my winnings!

A: I see…

Tactical Shopping

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

Holiday shopping is easier with a bazooka. Rather than wait in a super large line of traffic for a parking space to open up in Egypt, the simple solution is blow up the cars and make your own damn parking. Or you can always take the risk and park in the handicap space. However, that may involve getting in a fist fight with a handicap person. These reasons are why I propose to start a boot camp for holiday shopping.

In order to learn the survival skills necessary to navigate the Vietnam jungle, or more commonly known as the mall, people can take my six week course. Highly trained military experts will prepare the holiday shopper for hordes of angry customers, overworked clerks, and those creepy animatronic Santas that are replacing the Salvation Army bell ringers. The holiday shopper will learn basic skills to survive the shopping season such as hand to hand combat, sniper training, hostage negotiation skills, and espionage. The camp will have everything a person needs to have a successful holiday season.

New recruits will be left in the jungle without food or drink for five days, mainly to prepare them for the wait at the food court. After they learn to eat live snakes, bugs, and other decaying jungle matter, they will finally be prepared for the quality at the food court. Logically speaking, the mall food should be better in the holiday season, because the bourbon chicken hasn’t been sitting out for five days. However, in order to sustain the same quality during the holiday rush, malls acquire all their bourbon chicken from a factory that lets the food sit out for five days before shipping anything. Don’t ask where the hot dogs on sticks come from.

Special weapons training is provided for urban combat. Trainees will use flash bangs when trying to acquire the last Chicago Bears hat before the old lady whom will always get there first. The most powerful force on the planet is an old lady shopping, especially when there is a sale.

Back in my Walgreen days, I witnessed a cataclysmic clash when my manager got in a disagreement with an old lady over a thirty cent coupon. The lady threw her purse across the store, and stared down my manager like she was going to shank him. My manager in his infinite manager wisdom said, “Clean up at the front register.”

Hand to hand combat training, will be taught by Jackie Chan. With all the gift wrapping paper, animatronic Santas, and holiday decorations around, you never know when these items will be useful in fight. Should a holiday brawl occur, those giant candy canes in the “cry on Santa’s lap area” are really foam. Though the heart of comedy is to see an elf beating Santa with one. The canes are not really effective weapons, unless you are Jackie Chan. Everything is an effective weapon to Jackie Chan.

Here are some examples of what Jackie Chan will teach you:

1. That kid trying to get the last Stretch Armstrong is a really a easy target for a drop kick to the head.

2. Do all your own stunts and not like Steven Segal. He jumps off the last two steps on a flight of stairs as a stunt.

3. Owen Wilson makes a good sidekick.

4. Don’t laugh when you see me buying a Jane Austin movie or I’ll drop kick you to the face.

Finally, the last thing you’ll learn to become an effective holiday shopper is how to deal with those creepy animatronic Santas. It’s very simple. Don’t. Have you ever read Steven King’s Monkey Shines?

Fantasy’s Fantasy Worlds

From the Bunny Droppings Files:

I’ve always wondered if demons in an alternate dimension played role-playing games about people living in our world…

Bellorfaus: I turn down the ally to lose the cop.

Granorak: You’ll need to pass a drive check.

Bellorfaus: I don’t have the drive skill. Can’t I make dexterity check?

Nifflandik: Humans don’t let people drive until sixteen blood moons! They probably had to train all their lives.

Granorak: I remember when my grandpa made his twentieth blood moon.

Bellorfaus: I do have Lore: Action Movies so I’ve seen enough people driving!

Nifflandik: You are always trying to use that stupid Lore skill!

Granorak: My grandpa ate the entire Darlokkin clan. He was such an awesome guy.

Bellorfaus: It’s my best skill!

Nifflandik: I can’t help it if you picked a skill that we are never in a situation to use!

Granorak: Ok, ok! Roll lore at minus four.

Bellorfaus: See! I told you… Twenty! Wohoo!

Granorak: You avoid the cop. Nifflandik your character…

Nifflandik: I want my character to make out with a hot babe!

Granorak: You picked the nerd class. You can only make out with hot girls in exchange for money.

Nifflandik: Can I roll my Internet check to find a cheap one?

Granorak: Let’s see the rulebook. It says here, there is a chance that the girl might be a sixty-year-old man.

What would their characters be like when they reach higher levels?

Nifflandik: I sell off my software company for more hot babes.

Granorak: You already have fifty million hot babes.

Nifflandik: I got to make up for all the sixty-year-old men I met on the Internet.

Granorak: Ok fine, Bellorfaus, you are sleeping in a pile of beer cans. Your landlord pounds on the trailer door and awakens you.

Bellorfaus: I sneak out the back window.

Granorak: You get stuck in the window.

Bellorfaus: Can I roll a Lore: Exercise Television Shows check to suck in the fat?

What monsters would they fight?

Granorak: You are attacked by a horde of anti-trust lawyers. They attempt to subpoena you. You have the initiative.

Nifflandik: I use my fax blast attack. I rolled a 19! Critical hit!

Granorak: Ok, the lawyers fax systems are down for the count. They return with a PR Campaign of Striking… Ok Bellorfaus, your character is attempting to arm wrassle Jimbo for his pig…