The Dead Art of Channel Surfing

I am going to Ireland this weekend. So this blog will be put on hold for a while.  Last time I went to Europe, I wrote a piece about how to get kicked out of Europe. For Ireland, I figure I’d write about something I won’t being doing while I am there-watching TV.  With Hulu and Netflix, I never seem to lack something to view. But I can remember the days of owning cable with triple digit channels and nothing to watch. Here is all the television I’ll will not see while in Ireland. An ode to the dead art of channel surfing:

click.

Announcer: Hey kids! It’s that time again!

KIDS: Time for Uncle Happy’s Fun Land!

Uncle Happy stumbles out. Drunk.

Uncle: Fuck you. The bitch says that I owe child support! I fucking support kids all fucking day.

Kid One: Gee Whiz, You’re drunk again Uncle Happy.

Kid Two: That means it’s time for…

KIDS: Hide-the -FLASK! Yayyy!

The kids roar with laughter as they hide Uncle Happy’s flask.

Click.

Déjà vu: The sensation you've done something before. Déjà vu: The sensation you've done something before.

We are like the Groundhog’s Day of romantic comdies.

Tom Hanks: You know. I’m not really that attracted to you. I just don’t see what’s the big deal.

Meg Ryan: Shut up! You don’t have to be! I represent every woman!

Lzzy Hale: Not me.

Meg Ryan: I’m not talking to you! Now go and ponder about how the right one is out there and we will barely miss connecting until the end.

Tom Hanks: But we always do this! Can’t we do a different movie for a change?

Meg Ryan: No! Now go check your email.

Tom Hanks: But…

Meg Ryan: GO CHECK YOUR EMAIL!

click.

Chris Harrison: This week, the bachelor has sex with three different women within twenty four hours of each other in order to find his one true love.

The Bachelor: Life is so hard when you’re the bachelor!

Women: We have low self-esteem.

click.

It's just a neck rub... shut up.

This is actually a masturbation photograph. A real man’s penis fights back.

Rambo is chained to a wall and being tortured by cartel thugs. They punch him in the face while they talk.

Thug One: You know, I think you got a real shot at governor.

Rambo: You think so?

Thug Two: Arnold did it. Jesse Ventura did it. That’s like half the cast of Predator.

Thump! Bap!

Rambo: You have a point.

Thug One: It’s something to think about. Mull it over.

Thug Two: It’s an 80’s action star thing to do.

Thump! Wack!

Rambo: True.

Thug One: Very good, now get the red hot ass poker.

click.

Tom Hanks looks like he has been on a desert island. He talks to Wilson the volleyball in a grass hut.

Tom Hanks: You wouldn’t believe what I’ve had to do to get away from “you know who”.

There is a rustle outside. We hear Meg Ryan’s voice.

Meg Ryan: Tom? Is that you?

Tom Hanks: Shit. Cover for me!

Tom sneaks out the back. Meg walks in.

Meg Ryan: Have you seen Tom?

No response from Wilson. He’s just a volley ball.

Meg Ryan: What do you mean I just missed him! I told you to keep him busy.

No response.

Meg Ryan: Oh, I can’t stay mad at you.

No response.

Meg Ryan: Has anyone told you that you have such friendly eyes?

click.

A senator is at the podium.

I wonder if they have crazy hat day?

Ha! I said Boehner!

Senator: It’s a good thing that the public doesn’t watch C-SPAN, or they’d know about the bullshit that goes on around here. Am I right? Am I right? But seriously folks, it’s time for some business. Ever notice how New York and Chicago both claim to have the best pizza on the planet? If they could only make that claim about their football teams!

Newt Gringrich does a rimshot.

Senator: Thank you. Thank you! You are beautiful folks. So my girlfriend left me today…

click.

Gary Busey sits in the Governor’s office.

Celebrity governors are an untapped national resource.

Best governor ever… think about it

Gary Busey: I’m Gary Busey and I’m going to be your governor! The best fucking governor you’ve ever had.

Rambo enters, ready for office.

Rambo: But I was supposed to do that.

Meg Ryan: Don’t worry Wilson. The Governor will marry us. I love you Wilson, you’re just so obedient.

click.

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A Brief History of Gays from Sparta to the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts are close to ending a ban on gays. They’ve finally joined the new millennium where gay people exist. Before, back in the old days, gay people didn’t exist. All those Spartan soldiers that used to fuck each other were really just manly men doing manly things.

300 friends with benefits

Imagine them without spears or shields. They could be going to a night club.

A bunch of Spartans are having a male sex orgy. An Athenian enters and approaches a couple.

Athenian: This is not like the movie 300 at all!

Spartan: Bro. This is not gay. It’s just manly men, doing manly things.

Athenian: But the guy you are…

Spartan: It’s not gay if you don’t say I love you afterwards.

Athenian: What do you do during cuddle time?

Spartan: We punch each other. Hang on… I am about to… FOR SPARTA!

In Shakespeare’s time, gay people also did not exist. Take a look at a poem he revised:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay sex party day?
Thou art completely ripped more lovely and more temperate.
Washboard abs Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
Why can't we marry like any other person? 
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
I'd do laundry on those abs everyday.

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed because of all da haters;
And every queer they fear fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimmed pubic hair;
My mom told me not to be gay
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
The church did too
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
So I said bitch please! I'm hear and I'm queer! Loud and Proud!
Nor shall death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
Then they threaten to behead me so I married a woman
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow'st.
     So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
     So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Then of course we can’t forget Poland 1939:

Lance and Ted are making out. Judith runs in.

Judith: The Nazi’s just invaded Poland! They are going to put people like you in death camps!

Lance: We’ll just tell them we are Jewish.

Ted: That’s a good idea! They’ll never suspect we are gay.

What does he plan to do with that duster?

Robin Williams reprises his role as a gay man in Birdcage II: Fists of Justice.

It wasn’t until Robin Williams played a gay man in the 1996 hit movie The Birdcage when gay people really started existing. The first gay person started out like this:

A man is walking down the street.

Man: I am so apathetic and 90’s. I really want a vagin… cock! I want cock!

He runs off screaming about cock.

Later… A woman is walking with her kid.

 Woman: I love having a child that will grow up to perpetuate my genes!

Kid: I want women that remind me of you!

The man, dressed in a pink tutu, taps a wand on the kid’s head.

Man: Your child is now gay. Congratulations.

Kid: Now I want men that remind me of dad. My childhood is pretty fucked up.

Gayness spread across America like a wildfire. People everywhere were becoming gay. Soon, it became clear that everyone was simply choosing to be gay, much like we choose products when we shop.

Bob and Fred, two very macho and homophobic men, stand in line at Target. The Clerk rings them up.

Clerk: Bed sheets. Matching room decor. Matching kitchen appliances. Coordinated bathroom furnishings. Do-it-yourself-and-best-friend gay kit…

Bob: I’ve always wanted to try being gay.

Fred: Yeah. Normally, I barf when I kiss other dudes but I figured. What the hell? I’ll try gay for a while.

But that’s when we as Americans realized that our country was founded on choice! We have the freedom to choose our own religion in schools (so long as it’s Christian), the freedom to choose our own path in life (so long as we don’t mind crippling student loan debt), and even the freedom to choose our own science (the damned scientists burying those dinosaur bones in the ground – expecting us to not know that they just put them there). So why don’t we have the right to choose our own sexuality? So that’s what we did. 

He will punch you.

It’s not gay if I don’t say I love you.

The only problem with the “choose to be gay theory” is that we will have to start giving them rights such as marriage. We all know what happens when gays can marry. Wedding dresses become rainbow! Do you want that for your kids? To cover the fact that gay people don’t have the same rights as everybody else (we need to give them incentive to be “not gay”), we’ll give them trivial social progress like being out in the military and the Boy Scouts. That’s the American way! And what could be more American than the Boy Scouts allowing people that made the choice to be gay into their rank? Sylvester Stallone. That’s who. He punches people.

And he’ll punch you if you even suggest it.

Ray Harryhausen and Spiral

I am speechless. Ray Harryhausen (the animator behind the 1981 classic film Clash of the Titans) agreed to let us use footage from a Little Red Riding Hood short to accompany a music video! Please enjoy the video and support the foundation to keep his works preserved.

Won’t Change the World Thanksgiving Special

I am thankful for many things in 2012. With plenty of food, a roof over my head, decent healthcare, and a loving wife, there are plenty of thanks to be giving. However, I have to ask myself. Am I truly celebrating Thanksgiving like pilgrims did? I am not.

In order to truly celebrate Thanksgiving like the pilgrims, I’ll have to find a native population to rape and pillage then kick them off their land and take it for myself. After decimating the population with disease, superior weaponry, and sheer numbers, I’ll offer them a turkey dinner. The ones that are alive will be sure thankful that they are alive.

About burning your tribe’s village: Whoops! Let’s eat some turkey and forget it happened.

Since the world has already been conquered a while ago, I am going to need to find a native population to hatch my colonial celebration. There really aren’t much left who aren’t already under the jurisdiction of a civilized country. So I’ll probably have to terrorize suburban populations. Being located in New Mexico, I’ll have to change my tactics a little to account for historical accuracy.

Use the bathroom before the armour! Always when I’m conquering.

I’ll dress up like an old school conquistador, gather an army, march into Trader Joe’s and claim it in the name of Spain. I’ll get to use a little cute conquering flag. Then we can round up all the suburban shoppers and put them to work digging a moat around the store. Meanwhile, I will count my spoils of war, like the kale. To really get in the spirit of colonial holidays, I’ll need to take the land from a soccer mom played by Queen Latifah.

Me: I claim your house in the name of Spain! Give me the deed! Then afterwards, we’ll eat turkey.

Soccer Mom: Are you going to make my house payment?

Me: Um… no.

Soccer Mom: I didn’t think so. Now get your ass back there and make me a turkey diner.

Me: Yes Ma’am.

FBI One: We are playing Metallica but they seem to party harder.
FBI Two: Play Menudo
FBI One: That did it. They are setting fire to the compound.

After a bit of terrorizing the suburbanites with my cooking skills (by having a cold and not washing my hands – Mwhahaha!), the FBI will show up. They’ll use tactics like they did in Waco and play loud music.

FBI: We’ll play Rebecca Black for as long as it takes.

Me: You’re ruining it! Rebecca Black didn’t exist in colonial times.

After a while, the FBI will realize they don’t need weapons, music or anything to diffuse situations because they have Queen Latifah. Imagine if they had her during Waco:

Queen Latifah: Koresh, you get your ass out here right now before I really get angry!

Koresh comes out with his hands up.

Koresh: Yes Ma’am.

Never under estimate the power of a sassy black woman.

Or in Afghanistan: Bush and Queen Latifah stand in front of a cave.

Bush: Now, I don’t want my victory speech to be a little premature-

Queen Latifah: Move over whitey, Osama!  Get your ass out here, right now.

Osama Bin Laden: I don’t wanna!

Queen Latifah: Don’t make me repeat myself.

Osama Bin Laden: No!

Queen Latifah: You’re going to regret it if I have to come in there.

Osama Bin Laden: It says no girls aloud! Boy’s only.

Queen Latifah. That’s it. I am coming in after you.

Osama Bin Laden comes out with his hands up.

Osama Be Laden: Ok. Ok. I’m coming.

Luckily, before the FBI learns of Queen Latifah, I’ll sneak out the back during the night with  all the gold wrapped chocolate bars. While I am running across the river to escape the feds, the weight of my own greed will cause me to sink just like the Spanish when they looted the Aztecs. However, the Rio Grande is more like the Rio Puddle and I’ll have time to muse on the true meaning of Thanksgiving whilst laying on a sandbar before the FBI arrests me:

A lot of crap happened in the past, but we seem to have it pretty good now by comparison. We should honor the hardships of our ancestors so we can be thankful for what we have today.  There is an FBI agent standing on my testicles.

Daryl Kicks the Crap Out of Chuck Norris

Norman Reedus, who plays Daryl on The Walking Dead, really needs his own Internet meme. So here are reasons why Daryl is way cooler than Chuck Norris:

1. Chuck Norris can kill a man with his fist. Daryl can kill a man from fifty feet away with a cool stare.

2. Chuck Norris may have any lady. But face it, the ladies don’t want a man to pick them like they are a meatmarket product. They want a man that is emotionally distanced. Daryl won’t let anyone in so he’s a hard man to love. Ladies love that shit!

3. Chuck Norris only has fists. Daryl as a crossbow. Punching out undead. Usually not the best choice. Crossbow. Silent and doesn’t alert the other undead.

4. Chuck Norris may be able kick ass all day and make love all night. Daryl can track all day. Kick ass all night. Then emotionally distance himself making himself way more desirable than a “hit and quit it” guy.

5. Chuck Norris is a beat stick. The only stick you’ll see from Daryl is the arrow sticking from your chest.

6. When he was a child, Daryl survived in the wild for nine days on his own. Chuck Norris grew up in Torrance, California.

7. Chuck Norris survived “The Forgotten War”. Daryl survived the zombie apocalypse.

8. Chuck Norris doesn’t give up on his students like Priscilla Presley. Daryl spent days in the zombie infested wild searching for a girl he didn’t even know that well.

9. Chuck Norris wrote a book called The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems. Daryl solutions to problems involve a crossbow.

10. Daryl Versus Chuck Norris. Chuck wouldn’t make it a foot before taking a crossbow to the face.

The True Winners of Election Day 2012

Taylor Swift 2012

“Madam President, all the people that made fun of you in high school are hiding in North Korea and we suggest you take swift action. No pun intended.”

Here is the official Won’t Change the World predictions for today:

President – Taylor Swift – Not only did she release a new album near election time but probably more people listened to it than will end up voting in the election. At least we’ll finally have our first woman president.

US Senate – Jerry Seinfeld will be the clear winner in this election. Considering he spent the entire nineties on a tv show about nothing. He can spend the entire tweens in government that does nothing.

US Representative – Ice T. Though he’ll actually do something. He’ll use his badass street smarts to play the playas, and take care of business. Ain’t no shit going down while Ice T is on the beat.

Minimum Wage Increase – The real joke is that with the wage increase, basic human services such as healthcare will still be priced out of people’s reach.

New Mexico Senate – That local guy who was in a movie. You know… that guy. In the movie. Everyone knows about him. He’s all famous. He was in the same room when Billy Bob Thorton walked into the scene. That’s like super famous.

New Mexico Representative – We are not sure. We have representatives? When did that happen?

2012 Apocalypse Election

With the election not too far away, I wanted to give you my professional unbiased analysis of this year’s presidential candidates. And by professional, I mean some guy sitting at a computer. And by unbiased, I mean outrageously slanted. And by analysis, I mean that I’m completely making everything up.

Gay Marriage:

Obama: Had the balls to come out and say it. It’s about fucking time.

Romney: Sexual repression is not funny nor should you be laughing.

Healthcare:

Obama: Takes long overdue action to provide a service that most of the first world does for free.

Romney: Likes foreclosed houses from overdue medical bills.

Taxes:

Obama: Doesn’t use them to get rich people richer.

Romney: 1% of the wealth staying in the hands of the wealthy works great! Just look at what the banks did with it! I mean… the automotive industry… the pharmaceuticals… the real estate market… um… crap.

Energy:

Obama: Supports a system that won’t choke the planet.

Romney: Did we learn nothing from Enron??!?

Supreme Court:

Obama: Most likely to appoint Samuel L. Jackson as Supreme Court Justice.*

Romney: Most likely to appoint Arnold Schwarzenegger as Supreme Court Justice.*

*Though we here at Ideas That Won’t Change the World would like to see them battle it out for the seat. And not to give an unfair advantage but we’d like to see it on a mother fucking plane.

2012 Apocalypse:

Obama: Most likely to prevent it with policies that favor humans over greed.

Romney: Most likely to cause it. But not how you think. It’s a baking accident. Very messy…

Facebook:

Obama: 27,301,803 likes in a demographic too apathetic to vote.

Romney: 2,342,058 likes in a demographic thankfully too apathetic to vote.