The Relativistic Effects on the Flash

Since I have been up to my ears in promoting the new album, I don’t really have anything this week so I dusted off an old Bunny Droppings entry. Enjoy!

The Flash probably has a shitty dating life because of the Relativistic Effects of a person moving at near light speeds. For those of you that think I’m talking about a metal band, I’m referring to Einstein’s Special Relativity. Einstein, (for people that woke up in this strange new century of flying beasts and talking picture boxes) is the man that invented Tivo. The Germans kicked him out the country for wasting their time while they had important world domination plans (1). Einstein then came to the US where we got his picture taken with his tongue sticking out. This picture is now a poster on the walls of college dorms across America.

In layperson’s terms, the theory of relativity states that if a person moves at near light speed, they will age normally, while the universe ages around them at an accelerated pace (2). This is called Time Dilation, named after a metal band. The Flash is able to move at incredibly fast speeds, so it’s safe to assume that he would undergo some Relativistic Effects. I’m sure this causes issues in his dating life.

Young Woman: Do me now you big hot hunk of man beef!

The Flash does her.

Flash: How was that? Baby… Baby?

The shriveled remains of an eighty year old corpse lies on the bed.

Flash: Gross.

Another factor in the Flash’s love life from moving at high speeds is Length Contraction (3). Simply put, Length Contraction is when objects that go fast get shorter, including the penis. This can cause serious doubts in his manhood. Self confidence issues can lead to all sorts of things, like clicking on penis enlarging spam emails, then fifty pop-ups later finding a hot woman that will take her cloths off for you in front of webcam for 50 dollars! But only to be sad again because the penis is to small to enjoy the webcam experience. This leads to suicide.

So now the Flash is dead! You see? Are you happy now? Let’s see what Einstein has to say about that:

“I should have become a watchmaker.” -Einstein

Now let’s stop to think about this quote…

That’s exactly what I thought too. But how will we get so much latex gloves and chicken feathers?

In conclusion, I have finished writing and will now include footnotes.

(1) They later discovered that Einstein’s ideas could be used to make weapons of mass destruction such as recording reruns of Baywatch.

(2) Example: An Emo band crying about their lost girlfriends is moving at near light speed. They are still full of teen angst when they get back while the rest of the world will have moved on. What makes it different from today is that it’s eighty years in the future.

(3) Named after a New Wave band.

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Alan Rickman Fridays!

While Phelps Fridays never really caught on, I think a much better person to celebrate on Friday is Alan Rickman. So now I share with you a video that made be laugh as hard as I did at the saxophone guy from the Lost Boys.

 

As a bonus, I will also share with you a song that an old band of mine wrote about Hans Gruber from Die Hard (Sorry about the sound quality, all we had were live recordings).

Godspeed You Hans Gruber Live <– This is a play button, in case you got a head injury from watching the video

The Under Analyst

I have an addiction. It’s not easy for me to admit but I want to do so in front of my family and friends. I’m watching The Bachelor. Seek help. Check into a clinic. I know. But you see, I can quit anytime. Like I have been for the last couple of seasons. *Sob* I’m only a social The Bachelor watcher…

But seriously, there is something strangely addictive about that show. Sure, there are some shallow vapid people that make you question the value of humanity… but somehow I can’t stop watching. It’s like a plane had crashed outside my house and I can do nothing but keep looking out the window to see what happens next.

For those cultured enough to be unfamiliar with the premise, the show has 25 women trying to marry one guy. Then an other show follows the first where 25 men try to marry one woman called The Bachelorette. The latter is the funniest one because guys have a tendency to be way more ridiculous in competition for the affection of a lady. It’s just as much of a plane crash as the first one but it’s a funny plane crash.

And the very premise is what brings forth the humor. Comedy breeds in people that take themselves way too seriously. People are ludicrous, especially when they display their peacock feathers for dating purposes. For example, there is a woman named Jenna, who writes for a blog called The Over Analyst. While she claims to over analyze everything, she really doesn’t analyze anything in her blog (really, three line posts that say nothing remotely close to analysis) and can’t even articulate a coherent thought while on the show (the show does involve rampant drinking which may add to inability). Then there was a guy with a mask. Yep, he wore a mask for many episodes and it wasn’t even a Guy Fawkes (which would have been cool in a nerdy way). I could go on but the list of strange things people do to attract mates is abundant and layers an element of comedy to the show.

I think the reason why I watch the show is really because I can see my dating life unfold. Or at least my lack thereof. Each episode unpacks the reasons for why I had a terrible and limited dating experience. I never really dated at all. I certainly wanted too but I was pretty terrible at understanding women. For example, when a women in her twenties wants you to put the moves on her, she will get you alone. I didn’t know this so in my undergraduate years there this woman that I really liked. And here are my three mistakes, all in the course of one party I threw while my parents were out of town (sorry mom, that is of course why the step was broken):

1. She got me alone in my room. Noticed my guitar and asked me to teach her to play the guitar. So I taught her how to play E minor. Seriously that’s it. I didn’t even do the wrap my hands around her move. I pointed to the strings.

2. Then she lured me alone in the basement and saw that I had Legos. So we played with Legos. I made a race car.

3. Finally, she “happened” to be in the garage with me. I stood awkwardly.

For men with more knowledge than myself, she was screaming to make out with me. For me, I was wondering, does she like me? Maybe I should ask her to coffee? The garage is pretty cold. She said she was cold. Maybe I should take her inside where it’s warm.

So that was my dating life… many many sad tales like the one above. And thus we come to reasons why The Bachelor somehow captures what it’s like to date. The men are clueless and make terrible decisions. For example, the men seem to go for the more sexually aggressive women that usually end up being the terrible choice. But looking back to my dating years, I probably would have made the same terrible choices. If she had kissed me instead of trying to play an E minor, I would have kissed her back.

Now the inverse in The Bachelorette is true as well. The women end up making terrible decisions because they fall for the wrong guys. Almost every season has a man that makes me realize, you’re that guy that gives men a bad name! I’ve done this before. While you brag about the break up one liner to your friends, I console her while she wistfully gazes into the night knowing deep down there is something there in your soul when in reality it’s a cesspool.  I never understood why the cesspool soul men always got the women while the guys that cared or at least made an effort to care always seemed like an after thought.

I realize the answer to this question is the very reason why The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are entertaining to watch. People don’t really communicate with each other (my guitar lesson would have ended very differently had we communicated our desire). My wife finds the guitar lesson story amusing. As she puts it, we both went home with more self confidence issues that night. And it’s way easier to let someone else make the decisions for you. And when one person is making the decisions (such as the sexually aggressive female or the cesspool man), it’s easy to get hurt when they make a decision that doesn’t have your best interest at heart. They were making selfish decisions in the first place. Why should it change after an established relationship?

At least the comedy will continue. The contestant is after all looking for true love… while making out with multiple people a week… even having sex with three people in a row (yep, the top three have the option of a private room)… that’s true love… at least in the Steven Tyler sense of the word.

Post 100: The Chain Post

Welcome to post 100 of Ideas That Won’t Change The World! I wanted to do something special for this post. A memorable post past down through generations… Pulitzer winning commentary…  a comic moment that anyone reading will think back and say “I was there.” Instead, I wrote the first ever chain post that you can forward to your friends.

A small boy from East East Nairobi is dying from Colonic Pancreatic Breast Psychosomatic Orwellian Big Toe Cancer. Despite only being able to eat food from a straw inserted into his rectum, he still finds the joy of life. He declined the Make a Wish Foundation’s offer to have Taylor Swift sing for Slayer. “Even though pop country and death metal would make the best album ever, I think Jesus just wants me to be happy.”

Jesus commented “Justin Bieber singing for Slayer would make me happy.”

We can make this kid’s dream a reality. For every person this post is forwarded too, Ideas That Won’t Change The World will donate 10 cents to a mysterious man with a mustache. And if you believe that forwarding can be tracked for donation purposes, than you’ll obviously believe that this mysterious man with a mustache has the kid’s best interest at heart. He could be a  CIA agent for all we know that is collecting email addresses for a government conspiracy. (The government created mind control via penis enlargement. Although, women used penis based mind control for centuries).

Another way to help this kid is through the power of prayer. Let’s give the heaven hotline a try.

Computer: To proceed in English press One. De proceder en la Española prensa dos.

Beep.

Computer: Thank you for calling,

God: God

Computer:Please press or say a menu option. For Divine Intervention press One. For Conversions press Two. For Reward-

Me: Prayers.

Computer: It sounded like you said shares? Did you want to make an adjustment to your stock options?

Me: No.

Computer: For Divine Inter-

Me: Prayers.

Computers: It sounded like you said wares? For the heaven gift shop please-

Me: Prayers God Dammit.

Computer: Please hold while I get you to Smiting.

Beep. Beep. Cheap music.

Computer: Your smite request is very important to us. Please wait on the line and a representative will be with you shortly.

Me: Maybe we should try something else to help this boy?

I agree.

Me: Who am I talking to?

The disembodied voice of the prose.

Me: But isn’t that me?

I’m the narrator you, not the sketch you. The sketch you will be on hold for eternity.

Me: But what if they answer?

Sketches about people waiting on hold isn’t that funny unless they call 911 while bleeding. Moving on.

Me: That’s not fair. My sketch isn’t-

Another way you can help this boy is by making a wish… Think of a wish and scroll down….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…… You got the wish?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

………… That wish sucks. Think of an another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…………… Boring. Try again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…………….. You’re really bad at wishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

………………. Seriously, do I have to think of all the wishes for you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

……… Don’t bother me. I’m thinking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…… Man, this is harder than it looks….one wish…why not five? This would be easier with five….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

……………Ok, I couldn’t think of one either… Shut up!

WAIT! I got it. I wish for Johnny Mnemonic to get an upgrade for his brain. You don’t know who that is? It’s a bad movie from the nineties with Keanu Reeves. He had 2 gigabytes installed into his brain. He probably should have thought about it. 2 gigs now really isn’t that much. Ipods have more space than Johnny Mnemonic’s brain. While he may have been the coolest brain in 1995, he’s the village idiot in 2011. Let’s wish the poor guy an upgrade.

What about the boy? Um… shit. I forgot about him. Guess I could have wished for him to be cured. Oh well, to late for that!

Forward this post to:

1,000,000 people: You’ll win the national lottery, an all expense paid vacation to anywhere, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Anyone in the world will have sex with you and Wolfgang Puck will be your personal chef.

100,000 people: You’ll win the state lottery, an all expense paid vacation to Disney World, and a Golden Globe. Anyone from the cast of Dawson’s Creek will have sex with you and you’ll get a personal chef from the Olive Garden.

10,000 people: You’ll win the Price is Right, an all expense paid vacation to Des Moines, and Employee of the Month. A fairly attractive person will have sex with you and you’ll get a free meal at the Olive Garden.

1,000 people: You’ll win $1 on a scratcher, plane tickets to anywhere in Wyoming, and a ribbon at the state fair. The state fair cow wrangler “Bossy” might have sex with you and you’ll get a free meal at Denny’s.

100 people: You’ll have to pay a late fee on a credit card. You’ll get bus tickets to Phoenix, Arizona, and a random person will call you an asshole. A guy named Ted with no teeth will try to have sex with you and you’ll get a taco thrown at you from Taco Bell.

10 people: You’ll get a littering fine of $3000, an all expense paid trip to prison, and a room full of people will laugh at you. Ted will be your cell mate and he thinks you have a purty mouth. Maybe if you are lucky, you’ll find a piece of cornbread in the trash.

0 People: You’ll go bankrupt and be locked up for 10,000 consecutive life sentences. They’ll carve a statue of you with the word “villain” for the city square. Ted won’t even have sex with you anymore. The prison will feed you through a tube.

PS: A prince in Nigeria just died. He needs to transfer 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars to his family in the United States. Rather than using a small fraction of the money to hire his own private army or at the very least a ninja to ensure the safe transit of the funds, they need your bank account.

Eharmonized

Due to my anniversary this weekend, my post will be brief. In celebration of not being in the dating scene, enjoy this Eharmony profile video:

I’m sure your reaction was similar to mine: Is this for real? This lady is cray cray! This can’t be real. Yep, it’s definitely not real.

After watching the video, my wife and I decided to watch her other videos. I almost felt sorry for her. She is like a stand-up comic with one really solid joke but the rest is really flat. That’s not to be confused with lack of talent. I certainly believed it was real in the beginning. But every other video was notoriously not funny with one fleeting on sort of maybe funny. She had an idea good enough for 15 million views, but could not sustain viewership to her channel with good material.

Thus the lesson of the day: If you can’t produce quality material, enjoy the 15 minutes.

Tron Fights for… Jeff Bridges?

Before I start my regularly scheduled humor post, I want to put everything thing out on the table. I feel no reason to hide the fact that Jeff Bridges has a country album. Nor should Jeff feel any shame in joining the musical actor ranks of William Shanter, Joe Pesci, and my personal favorite Leonard Nimoy (mainly because of the epic musical masterpiece: “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”). Which of course, I found for your viewing pleasure:

Is this what you want Jeff Bridges? Really?

Now that Jeff’s musicality is out in the open, I am really here to write about Tron: Legacy. I watched the movie last night and somehow was transported back to the nineties. Most would view the next installment of Tron as a nostalgic romp into the eighties. They wouldn’t really be wrong because of the scenic eighties “Space Paranoids”. Visual effects aside, I found the rhetoric of the movie more on the lines of Antitrust.

For those that remember the late nineties and early aughts, Microsoft was a big scary evil empire that would one day rule the world. Of course when air traffic control software starts using Windows, count me out of flying on planes. I think I’ll walk. The movie Antitrust was basically fueled by fear of Microsoft getting too big. Tim Robbins even played a billionaire, who was a surrogate for Bill Gates that would murder to ensure his software control.

During the time Antitrust, if you didn’t want to mess with installing Linux but still wanted to “stick it to the man”, you could always get a Mac. The funny idea behind Tron: Legacy is that Mac is in the position of the evil empire. Just like Tim Robbins was unmistakeable for Bill Gates, the evil empire in Tron: Legacy is releasing… drum roll… OS12… No… Not OS12!! How could you!

Essentially, Apple now gets to have a spot in the evil empire chair. The critics of Apple would of course say they are evil because they create the walled garden (Everything works great until you want content outside of the garden). My wife loves them because they always run well and she doesn’t really want anything outside the wall anyway. But whether you love or hate them, they worked hard to be in that evil empire chair and deserve some credit.

People don’t realize that building a evil empire, hellbent on taking over the world, takes a lot of hard work. It’s not just a simple of matter of building a product that people buy. There are plenty of officials to bribe, child labor to exploit, and third world countries to rape. Evil isn’t a matter of waking up one morning and deciding to be evil.

Steve Jobs: Let’s do something different. I bored of creating tech giants.

Bill Gates: Like what?

SJ: Let’s eat a baby.

BG: I better stop donating all this money to charity. Tabasco or Mustard?

Evil is a lot of hard work. To create a conglomerate that will dominate the globe, takes dedication. First, you have to create software that uses Bluetooth  to rewrite people’s brain waves. Then you have to create a phone that pleases everybody (If you’ve done that, I’ll file those patents for you…). Finally, you have to oversee the planet. Ruling the United States is hard enough but the world? Think about Obama’s job. Imagine being handed a giant pile of shit. Then every will criticize you when that shit doesn’t smell nice. You can sculpt it anyway you want but it’s still shit.

I’d imagine creating software that gives you billions of dollars is good enough. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates can bath Scrooge McDuck style in a swimming pool of money. I’d think they would have better things to do than that global domination plan… with a vast evilness that is so dastardly, they call it…. OS12!! Noooo! Not OS12!

On a final note, Tron no longer fights for the users. He fights for Jeff Bridges. Tron likes country music. So shut up!

It broke! My bad!

Albuquerque is the filming location of In Plain Sight and Breaking Bad. For those of you living in a bubble that prevents access to the outside world, they are about witness protection and a high school chemistry teacher meth-cooker.  Of course, if you are living in a bubble without access to the outside, I’m not quite sure how you are reading my blog. In fact, I don’t even know if you know the term “blog” or even why the first paragraph of this post is dedicated to you. It should be though. You are stuck in a bubble! Through determination and force of will, you managed to escape the prison and now are on the outside! We welcome you and celebrate your ingenuity! This is the world my friend! Be free!

Screeeeeeeeech! Crash! Thud!

Oops. Should have told him about buses. I guess I really fucked that one up…

When I went to the grocery store the other day, there was a sign in the parking lot that read “IPS”. There were city police and a whole slew of people. Being a veteran of the media arts (I did co-write the prestigious Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer which will be remembered by a couple of people as the funniest movie they ever saw, thanks mom & dad), I knew exactly what was happening. The band, Insane Posse Sickos, was about to have a rival concert with their nemesis ICP (not to be confused with IBC – Insane Beer Clowns or HPV – Hydra Possessed Vegans). Being a big fan of good music, I decided to go shopping.

While I was shopping, I figured that Albuquerque really has two shows that really help each other. Those that eventually get in enough trouble with meth from Breaking Bad could eventually join the witness protection of In Plain Sight. Although for anyone who has lived here, Albuquerque is misleadingly large.

If the world knows each other by six degrees, everyone in Albuquerque knows each other by at least two. My friends write this funny (you should go watch it) web series. A student of mine watched it before she took my class. My neighbor is my wife’s ex’s best friend’s sister. My wife found a band on craigslist that needed a fiddle player. She wanted to make sure the founder of the band wasn’t a creep so she searched him on facebook. She was surprised to find out he was friends with me, my mom and my sister! Turns out he was a buddy of mine from high school that I hadn’t seen in years.

This is why characters seeking witness protection from Breaking Bad is an idea that won’t change the world. In a city where everyone knows everybody else, witness protection has a tendency to stand out. I can imagine Walter White with a new identity in a pet store.

Customer: Walter? My kid loved your chemistry class!

Walter: (bad European accent) My name is job.

Customer: Decided to give up high school? They can be murder. Anyway, I got this parrot.

Walter: (bad European accent) Job! My name is job! (pissed) Oh come on! You have me acting in some awful can’t think of your own original idea comedy sketch! I won an Emmy!

Thud! Whack! Thump!

Morgan Freeman: I wish I could tell you that Aaron fought the good fight, and Bryan Cranston let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but Albuquerque is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile – Albuquerque life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Aaron would show up with fresh bruises. Bryan Cranston kept at him – sometimes he was able to fight him off, sometimes not. And that’s how it went for Aaron – that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him. I won an Oscar.