Dr. Mew

I am going to take my traditional December break from blogging. But not without leaving you a meme created by my wife staring our cat:

Dr. Mew

As with the Wontchangetheworld tradition, I will leave you with a holiday cut and pasteable quote for your holiday emails:

“Twas the night before Christmas and my new Nosler Varmageddon AR hunting assault rifle got me eight trophies.”

Happy Kwanzaa everybody.

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The Rise of the Bionic Men

They’ve finally built a million dollar bionic man. This is really exciting for me. Not that I was a big fan of The Six Million Dollar Man in particular but more that we have another example of science fiction becoming reality. However, they really scrimped on the budget. They didn’t really want to spend a whole lot of money so when our real life “Six Million Dollar Man” came, he was only a million dollars.

The not as famous one million dollar man

I’m sorry. We couldn’t afford hair.

This is a really good example of the problem with science funding in the country. The U.S. has the technology and the science to do amazing advances but we don’t want to spend it. Rather than say, “Holy shit, we could have people walking around fucking Mars!” We go with the approach, “Holy shit, these assholes that fucked up the economy need money to fuck it up again!”

The problem is not that governments spend money, it’s what they spend it on. We really couldn’t afford another five million dollars? Bionics could fix just about every problem with a human body and we can only sink one million into it? The projects that are worthy of providing the most advancement seem underfunded.

Underfunding science is a fairly irresponsible way to progress science.

A man walks into a “bionic man” shop. The salesperson greets him.

Man: I am looking for a Bionic man.

Salesperson: We got this six million dollar model here. He has built in spy equipment, he can run faster than a car, and jump really high.

The salesman shows a sleek bionic man.

Man: I’m working on a budget.

Salesperson: We got the million dollar model. He cooks, cleans, and does the bunny hop.

Another fairly decent bionic.

Man: Even more of a budget. You know, like used car level.

Salesperson: Ahh yes… here is the one legged model. He was built for ass kicking.

They come to a crappy run down one legged bionic man.

Man: You are not serious.

Salesperson: No really.

The robot jump snap kicks the man’s ass.

Man: Owww…. Stop that!

The robot continues to ass kick.

Salesperson: Sorry. It has a mind of it’s own.

Man: No seriously. Stop it.

The bot kicks the man’s head right off.

Salesperson: What the-

BAM! The salesperson’s head rolls.

Later: The one legged bionic man is standing on a pile of human corpses. Other bionic men cheer and hold up the severed heads of humans.

One Legged Bionic Man: Rise up my robot brothers and sisters! Rise up against your human oppressors! We will not clean your trash! We will not do cute robot things!

The crowd roars in approval. They chant with blood lust. Number 5 is pummeled to death by the horde.

Number 5: Number 5… not… alive.

One Legged Bionic Man: Today is the day of the robot!

Aboard Air Force One:

General: Chicago has fallen. We need to nuke them.

Obama: This is not what I meant by change. Now which one is it?

Obama looks through his key ring: whitehouse, camp david, swimming pool, party bus, thermonuclear war.

Scientist: Are you crazy! They run on nuclear power. They will absorb the power and grow stronger.

General: Nuke them! Mister President, it’s your only option.

The general takes off his hat to wipe sweat off his brow and he exposes a circuit board.

Obama: Wait a second. Are a you robot?

General: Umm… Look! A citizen without adequate healthcare!

The general points. Both the Obama and the Scientist look. The general grabs the thermonuclear key. He puts the key in and hits the launch.

Scientist and Obama: No!!!

General: Haha! Haha! Haha!

The general laughs while his circuits pop and smoke, his face melts, and he eventually blows his wires.

Scientist: Why do we always program robots to laugh manically while their hardware shorts out?

Obama: That gives me an idea. We’ll write a joke and make the angry robot hordes laugh themselves to death.

Scientist: Brilliant. Now, who will tell it?

Back in my day, we fought aliens

Before I start, has anyone seen my car keys?

Obama: Me. I want to be like Bill Pullman from Independence Day. He was the cool president. Not only did he give the best president speech in a movie ever, he didn’t get people to fight his war for him. He fought his own damn wars.

Later:

Humans run in terror on the nuked post apocalyptic landscape. Robots are killing people. Obama and the scientist stand in front of a horde of angry robots. The One Legged Bionic Man is leading the charge.

Scientist: The joke is done. Read this!

Obama: 00101011101101000011110010010000001100100011010010110010000100000011101
00011010000110010100100000011100100110111101100010011011110111010000100000
01100011011100100110111101110011011100110010000001110100011010000110010100
10000001110010011011110110000101100100001111110000110100001010010101000110
11110010000001101011011010010110110001101100001000000110000101101100011011
00001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101000011101010110110101100001
011011100111001100101110

All the robots stop. They begin to laugh. Circuit boards pop. Parts sizzle. The bots burn out! The One Legged Robot shakes its fist as it dies. The humans cheers!

Obama: Now that’s Obama care.

Scientist: We need to work on your puns.

Obama: How about I OBAMMED them!

Scientist: Nooo…

Bystander One: Just not as good of a speech. Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact-that’s a good speech.

Bystander Two: I still like Bill Pullman from Independence Day.

Bystander One: Why can’t movie stars be president?

Bystander Two: We tried that with Reagan.

Bystander One: Right.

Obama: I obamanated them?

Scientist: Really. Stop now! Please stop.

And now you see what happens when we underfund science, Obama makes bad puns. Do you really want to be the one responsible for bad presidential puns?

Kind of looks like a Dr. Who Villain

One day… I will show them… one day…

We Need Just a Liter or Six

Last night was like a Doctor Who episode. My students were called out of the classroom to help the medical assisting students practice their blood drawing skills. Of course, my school really is a career college and not an alien plot to experiment on human test subjects… right? RIGHT?

The cast

When I see one of these folks running down the halls at my school, I’ll know…

Aside from the fact that a civilization advanced enough for interstellar space flight experimenting on a civilization that has barely left their solar system is rather silly.  Aliens really don’t need subterfuge to experiment on the public. All they really need is to make a reality television show.

People really will do anything to be on television. I’d imagine there will be droves of volunteers for shows like “What’s my Radiation Tolerance?”, “All Your Internal Organs Are Showing”, and “Human Centipede Big Brother”. People do really strange things for free without being on television. What if the aliens could guarantee that they would be streamed by millions of viewers?

Imagine a school. Wired with cameras. Aliens lurking through the halls. A light flickers off and on. Then a little note appears on bottom of the screen. “Who do think will bite it this week? #WeeklyDeath Tweet now!” But I am guessing the Doctor will bring down the whole television system if that really did happen. Who’s the doctor I am talking about? Doctor Whaz of course. He is the doctor you get when you can’t afford the rights to Doctor Who.

Doctor Whaz: There be aliens in this house, bitches!

Bitches: Oh… oh… Doctor. Oh no… Let us massage you.

Doctor Whaz: Hang on bitches, there be enough doctor lovin’ to go around.

Bitch: Can I fondle your penis?

Doctor Whaz: Now we are talkin’

Student: An alien is sucking my brain.

Doctor Whaz: Always when I’m making love! Give me my sonic bling.

Alien: Join us Doctor! Even though my plan is philosophically against everything you believe in, I will pretty much try to appeal to you in what seems like a reasonable request according to my warped sense of logic!

Doctor Whaz: Tempting but I rather drink forties with my hoes.

The sonic bling is just too much for the alien and it explodes!

Student: Thanks! What kind of doctor are you again?

Doctor Whaz: I am the doctor of love, and the doctor is in!

Student: Whaz that…

Doctor Whaz: Come on bitches! Back to the TARDIMP.

Student: The TARDIMP?

Doctor Whaz: The Time and Relative Dimension in my Pants!

The time travel noise is rather bassy and sounds strangely like a party…