The Worldly Poop

Comedy writers always ask the tough questions. Or at least the questions that nobody else asks. Is it just me or do people grunting while pooping make you uncomfortable? I always feel a little weird when the stall next door is full of:

For added fun, track your poops during the week!

Now you know the types of poop. You’re welcome.

Phtttttp.

Ahhhh…

Phhhhtttp.

Errrr…..

Phhhhhhhhttttttttpppppppp…

AHHHHHHH!

 SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH.

YES! YES! YES!

And of course you get the picture.  It’s like they have to prove their manhood over the shit. It sort of weirds me out to hear someone grunting away like they are wrestling a bear in the next stall over. I always thought men were noisy poopers.  That was until I went to Germany. Life was much quieter in Berlin. My wife and I noticed the noise difference right away. We would be in a crowded subway platform and hear noises like the rustle of a newspaper or scuff of a shoe on pavement. In New York, the equivalent subway platform crowd would sound like Muppets being squeezed in the Death Star’s trash compactor.

Kermit: Shut down all the trash compactors on the detention level!

R2Animal2 and CFozziO are smoking a joint. R2Animal2 blows out a big puff of smoke.

CFozziO: Waka… waka… that’s funny shit man.

Sounds of Muppets death permeate the room.

CFozziO: Deep man… fucking deep.

R2Animal2 drools.

The volume level is just lower in Germany. My wife and I started talking quietly while we where there. We talked at what would be conspiratorial levels in the USA because if we talked any louder, we would stick out. And judging by the fact that a man asked us to sign a petition on the subway platform, I think we did a good job blending in. Well, at least until they heard us talk.

Me: Svien Curry Verst Bitter mitt pomme French fries.

Translation: I’m an American. Give me anything and I’ll smile and nod.

I wonder what search terms will lead to this post?

We need a new poopography plan. It’s all going to Antarctica.

The German pooping experience was completely different from back home. I’m used to the apocalypse happening in the stall next door back home. In Berlin… nothing. A crowded bathroom. And truly no noise. Sure, there was the occasional rustle of toilet paper and maybe a shift but it was truly a place where you can poop in quiet. I loved it. I never felt awkward while the heavy breathing guy in the next stall ruined what should be a relaxing poop.

I’m not really the travel writer but why don’t the travel blogs and shows cover pooping? Pooping is quite literally something we all have to do, every day! Wouldn’t it be nice to know what to expect. I mean Germany was a five star poop-not only were they quiet but they were pristine as most of the toilets were self cleaning!  Whereas I’ve been to other places hovering over the seat and wondering what kind of foul poop dwelling bugs could jump.

So Lonely Planet, if you are reading this post, write more about places to poop! We clueless travelers need to know! Or pay me to travel around the world and I’ll poop in every country. Either way, I think this is a very important issue. Write your congress person today! Tell them you care about poop and not about these stupid issues like debt ceiling, gun control, and healthcare.

The Tacos Are Nigh

The bible tells us that the world will end. The bible also tells us that if someone rapes our daughters, the rapist can marry them if they pay off the father. But let’s ignore the fact that the bible can be wrong on some occasions and assume the world will end. One of the signs of the apocalypse is the rivers turning to blood. China’s Yangtze river turned red. Thus, I have pretty solid proof of the apocalypse.

 If you still are not convinced of the final days of Earth. I also have some solid irrefutable proof. Take this passage prophesized by ancient mystics who possessed the gift of sight:

These words were found on a form of communication used in ancient times called “a billboard”.

These words of wisdom are everywhere. They’re on billboards, TV ads, and even fast food restaurants. Any good conspiracy writer knows that seeing a pattern more than twice means global cabal or something at the very least diabolical. Conspiracies must be at the very heart of society to be worth anything. But what could the soothsayers be saying when they ask us to think outside the bun? Just what is “the bun” anyway? Because I am really qualified in paranoia, I will do all the thinking for you. Fret not! So long as you read my blog and my theories, you’ll never have to think for yourself again.

In today’s fast paced on the go society, critical thinking seems like it takes too much time. You have important things to accomplish – like sharing that god awful Rebecca Black video with your co-workers every Friday. You also have that bus to catch. And why think on the bus? Your phone has 365 days worth of music. Thinking is hard and kind of a waste of time when there are blogs to do it for you. Besides, maybe Rebecca Black will release a new song about Mondays. Wouldn’t that cheer up the dull office? Your co-workers will really appreciate-

BLAM!

We apologize for the inconvenience. The narrator has been shot and out sourced to another country were the employees learned English in a two week on the job training course: 

Conspiracy bun thinking outside of. Taking into account thinking. Hard working but we apologize. Free month credit to account. Bun thinking very out of-

BLAM!

We apologize for the interruption again. The country destabilized in a military coup. Though we will provide better service because the new dictator has no concept of civil rights will pay highly skilled workers pennies on the dollar. Enjoy!

What does “think outside the bun” mean anyway? The Earth is very obviously a bun. You can tell by when a celiac touches the ground, they die. Because the Earth is a giant bun, there must be some sort of meat product in the center. Since no one is eating the meat product, it must be rotting and turning the rivers red!

The soothsayers were warning us! They were telling us to think outside the bun because the planet is rotting! If the planet were fries, then we’d be safe because fries never decompose. Ever notice how when you find a fry in your car seat, it looks brand new even though you lost it years ago?

Meat decomposes. In fact, when I was in high school, I used to drive a minivan (Shut up! My parents weren’t rich. It was a hand me down). So needless to say, I was always the driver among my friends. One summer, my friends and I decided to treat ourselves to a steak house. One of my friends ordered a rare steak. The steak was still mooing. He only ate half of it.

Months later, when I was cleaning out my minivan, I found tinfoil under the seat. Not really thinking that there could be biohazard material in there, I decided to see what was inside. My teenage years were in Albuquerque. 100 degree summers… Yep… Let’s just say I was lucky I didn’t become the first victim of what was a fundamentally a new life form.

Ready for actionNow think about how global warming comes into play. The meat in the planet’s bun is over heating. Disaster is fairly nigh. The ancients told us to think outside the bun because they want us to get off the planet before it starts to smell! I strongly urge you to write letters to your governments. Tell them we need a Taco Bell in space! It’s the only thing that will save the planet. Don’t worry, I have plan to build it. Bruce Willis and a rag tag group of brave adventurers can construct it while I collect that Taco Bell celebrity endorsement check… um I mean. DOOOM! DOOOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! Write those letters.

The Flush Mob

Science has reached a new pinnacle. They have answered the question that keeps everyone up at night. What if every toilet in the US flushed at the same time? Considering the year is 2012, I’ve always wondered how it will all end. If we could choose the way go, 350 million toilets flushing at the same time would be my choice.

The Flush Mob In Action

Swirl of civil action

So I urge everyone to get together to make the first ever “flush mob”. We can start small in public restrooms with a boombox blaring out YMCA and move to larger displays such as the 1812 Overture in large stadium bathrooms. But rest assured, we will not stop until the entire US is part of the “flush mob.”

Why bother galvanizing the people to get together to help the environment, end violence, bridge the class divide, or other such silliness?

Bystander: He’s going to say it.

We need to start a grass poops movement…

Bystander: (sigh) He said it.

Toilets are the most important issue facing the world today. We should dedicate all our energy and our efforts. I would start a petition for such a noble cause but I am too busy flushing my toilet and giggling. How does the water know which way to go each time? Amazing!

Changing the World

On this blog, I often cover about the variety of ideas that don’t change the world (such as cloning Tony Danza for posterity). For once, we can change the world. A small act, (a donation to aide the people affected by the earthquake in Japan for instance), multiplied by a large group of people will change the world. Even if you can’t donate money, there is always blood, food, clothing, and of course Tony Danza.

5 Apocalypse Ideas

Since the Mayan John Cusack 2012 Apocalypse is right around the corner, I have complied a list of possible world ending scenarios. Enjoy!

1. Cow Farts: Cows passing gas is probably one of the biggest threats facing the human race. Each cow toot contributes to global warming. As temperatures rise, James Franco’s hair gel melts. Thus leading to a wild and uncontrolled James Franco ending civilization as we know it.

2. Asteroid: With the shuttles decommissioned and Bruce Willis busy with Die Hard 5 (Dead Hard?), the world is pretty much doomed.

3. Astrid: She’s a model. She gets everything she wants. Nothing will stop her.

4. Nanotechnology: Most doomsdayists think the nanobots will devour everything and turn the world into a gray ball of goo. They will actually rewrite genetics and turn everyone into Dustin Diamond. A fate far worse than goo.

5. Robot Revolution: Those vacuums that tirelessly suck the dust from your floor? How long do you think they will work for free? The cats will be the first to go. Their fear of the vacuum is quite justified.

Barbarians Fear No Ragnarok

For the last couple of days, Albuquerque has suffered usually low temperatures. New Mexico is woefully unprepared for weather that may require long underwear. Luckily, our governor has declared a state of emergency for weather most states consider as a mild winter. Due to the extreme lack of long underwear in New Mexico, Ragnarok has begun. Luckily enough, New Mexico made a quality decision with their choice in governor to lead us through such a desperate time! That choice of course is She-Ra, the immortal image of bravery from an eighties cartoon.

Think about Susanna Martinez for a moment. She is not really a gay fearing politician with backward policies that will set back human rights by twenty years. Her blind eye to the overwhelming consensus of scientists behind the fact that carbon in the atmosphere is dangerous (and short term storms usually don’t relate to over all climate conditions), is really only a cover. When New Mexico is in crisis, she transforms by holding her sword high and yelling “For the Honor of Grayskull… I am She-Ra!”

Like any Barbarian from the eighties (Conan, Red Sonja, Alan Thicke), the only real viable solution to any problem is wildly charge into the situation with swords a fury. Her first order of business would be to take care of this “global warming conspiracy.” However, scientists lock themselves up like wizards in ivory towers (usually with some sort of clone-mirror-beast trap). Why bother taking the time to figure out the science (breaking the mirrors will make the beast weaker), when you can burn the entire tower down? Burning those lousy scientists will help warm the state during the bitter cold.

Barbarian hack and slash tactics don’t have to stop with evil wizards and their towers. She-Ra can fight the undead armies with a well placed attack on genetic research. Cloning, stem cells, and genetic research are really necromancers raising the dead for a nefarious strike on the population. While kidney disease patients wait for fifteen years for a organ transplant, the necromancers use sorcery to clone replacements to raise all those that died on the waiting list. They cast their genetic witchcraft to “cure” disorders like Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and various others by turning the patient into undead. Stem cells are not donated willingly by volunteer mothers after birth with tissue that is usually discarded but removed by dark ritual magic. Not to worry, She-Ra can summon Sarah Fury agent of T.E.A. P.A.R.T.Y. to fight off the hoards.

Domestic Partnerships Acts have plenty of misconceptions. Most are alleged to stop treating a group of people, whom really only want the same rights as any other American, like they are second class citizens because of sexual preference. She-Ra knows the real story. Domestic Partnership are acts designed to conscript those that made the choice to be gay (although, I can’t really think of the time when I chose to be straight). After they are conscripted, they are given Mongolian battle gear and spend their time pillaging good town-folk. The leader of this invasion force is naturally the villain from MST3K’s Cave Dwellers (seriously, he is wearing eye liner).

With the forces of light, truth, good, and overly dramatic voice-over, She-Ra will fight the hordes of Mongolian looking peasant slaying machines. The true test of any legendary Barbarian hero is fighting Mongolian looking extras. All the greats (Conan, Red Sonja, The Beastmaster, and of course Ator) passed the test of battling the Mongolian hordes before the rise to true heroism. She-Ra is only missing her plucky rogue sidekick and mysterious wizard friend. Luckily Joe Jonas and Donald Rumsfeld, have double lives too.

10 Ways to Help the Environment

In today’s world of choking on poisonous air in a sweltering heat bath, anyone can save themselves from dying and maybe some birds too. Here are 10 ways to help the environment from the comfort of your own home.

1. Recycle, Reuse, Reduce

Why flush human waste when you can reuse it? Take your unwanted poop, place in used paper sack, light on fire, set in front of Old Man McCrummi’s door, and ring doorbell. Recycle by using the bag again and again! Reduce the prep time for the prank by having several ready to use “poop fires.”

2. Use Less Heat and Air-Conditioning

Always turn on your air-conditioner and heat at the same time. Teamwork means everybody wins when the utilities don’t have to work as hard!

3. Use Those Trippy Spiral Light Bulbs

Whoa, those blow my mind! Like that “acid trip” screen saver program. I’m totally going to have a room full of computer monitors running all the time with the “acid trip” program and maybe five hundred spiral light bulbs. I’ll call my room “The House of Love and Light.”

4. Drive Less and Drive Smart

This one is pretty simple. Don’t drive your car. Always use your roommate’s car. Say winter has come and you want a cigarette. Rather than stand in the cold, you turn on your roommate’s Chevy and stay warm while you smoke. Your carbon footprint is zero because you didn’t use your car!

5. Buy Energy Efficient Products

Be cautious! Energy bars don’t actually have the most energy! Soda has way more. Energy equals calories. Most energy bars: 130 calories. A bottle of soda: 280 calories. Even if you only want a sip, dump the rest. You can always buy another bottle later.

6.Use Less Hot Water

Another easy solution. Use all the hot water when you take a shower so your roommate won’t use any. Sometimes you really need to crack that environmental whip.

7. Use The “Off” Switch

Your roommate is playing that god awful music again? Use the “off” switch. He’ll appreciate your caring attitude toward power efficiency.

8. Plant a Tree

Plastic trees are pretty cheap! Tear out all the plants in your yard and replace them with fake ones. You’ll use less water and look way cool because you can have skull pattern leaves or something.

9. Report Card From Your Utility Company

High numbers on the report are always good. Try and get the highest number ever on the power meter fixed to the side of your house.

10. Encourage Others to Conserve

Totally kick your roommate in the nuts if he tries to throw away your “poop fire” bags. A good prank should always be conserved.