Barbarians Fear No Ragnarok

For the last couple of days, Albuquerque has suffered usually low temperatures. New Mexico is woefully unprepared for weather that may require long underwear. Luckily, our governor has declared a state of emergency for weather most states consider as a mild winter. Due to the extreme lack of long underwear in New Mexico, Ragnarok has begun. Luckily enough, New Mexico made a quality decision with their choice in governor to lead us through such a desperate time! That choice of course is She-Ra, the immortal image of bravery from an eighties cartoon.

Think about Susanna Martinez for a moment. She is not really a gay fearing politician with backward policies that will set back human rights by twenty years. Her blind eye to the overwhelming consensus of scientists behind the fact that carbon in the atmosphere is dangerous (and short term storms usually don’t relate to over all climate conditions), is really only a cover. When New Mexico is in crisis, she transforms by holding her sword high and yelling “For the Honor of Grayskull… I am She-Ra!”

Like any Barbarian from the eighties (Conan, Red Sonja, Alan Thicke), the only real viable solution to any problem is wildly charge into the situation with swords a fury. Her first order of business would be to take care of this “global warming conspiracy.” However, scientists lock themselves up like wizards in ivory towers (usually with some sort of clone-mirror-beast trap). Why bother taking the time to figure out the science (breaking the mirrors will make the beast weaker), when you can burn the entire tower down? Burning those lousy scientists will help warm the state during the bitter cold.

Barbarian hack and slash tactics don’t have to stop with evil wizards and their towers. She-Ra can fight the undead armies with a well placed attack on genetic research. Cloning, stem cells, and genetic research are really necromancers raising the dead for a nefarious strike on the population. While kidney disease patients wait for fifteen years for a organ transplant, the necromancers use sorcery to clone replacements to raise all those that died on the waiting list. They cast their genetic witchcraft to “cure” disorders like Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and various others by turning the patient into undead. Stem cells are not donated willingly by volunteer mothers after birth with tissue that is usually discarded but removed by dark ritual magic. Not to worry, She-Ra can summon Sarah Fury agent of T.E.A. P.A.R.T.Y. to fight off the hoards.

Domestic Partnerships Acts have plenty of misconceptions. Most are alleged to stop treating a group of people, whom really only want the same rights as any other American, like they are second class citizens because of sexual preference. She-Ra knows the real story. Domestic Partnership are acts designed to conscript those that made the choice to be gay (although, I can’t really think of the time when I chose to be straight). After they are conscripted, they are given Mongolian battle gear and spend their time pillaging good town-folk. The leader of this invasion force is naturally the villain from MST3K’s Cave Dwellers (seriously, he is wearing eye liner).

With the forces of light, truth, good, and overly dramatic voice-over, She-Ra will fight the hordes of Mongolian looking peasant slaying machines. The true test of any legendary Barbarian hero is fighting Mongolian looking extras. All the greats (Conan, Red Sonja, The Beastmaster, and of course Ator) passed the test of battling the Mongolian hordes before the rise to true heroism. She-Ra is only missing her plucky rogue sidekick and mysterious wizard friend. Luckily Joe Jonas and Donald Rumsfeld, have double lives too.

10 Ways to Help the Environment

In today’s world of choking on poisonous air in a sweltering heat bath, anyone can save themselves from dying and maybe some birds too. Here are 10 ways to help the environment from the comfort of your own home.

1. Recycle, Reuse, Reduce

Why flush human waste when you can reuse it? Take your unwanted poop, place in used paper sack, light on fire, set in front of Old Man McCrummi’s door, and ring doorbell. Recycle by using the bag again and again! Reduce the prep time for the prank by having several ready to use “poop fires.”

2. Use Less Heat and Air-Conditioning

Always turn on your air-conditioner and heat at the same time. Teamwork means everybody wins when the utilities don’t have to work as hard!

3. Use Those Trippy Spiral Light Bulbs

Whoa, those blow my mind! Like that “acid trip” screen saver program. I’m totally going to have a room full of computer monitors running all the time with the “acid trip” program and maybe five hundred spiral light bulbs. I’ll call my room “The House of Love and Light.”

4. Drive Less and Drive Smart

This one is pretty simple. Don’t drive your car. Always use your roommate’s car. Say winter has come and you want a cigarette. Rather than stand in the cold, you turn on your roommate’s Chevy and stay warm while you smoke. Your carbon footprint is zero because you didn’t use your car!

5. Buy Energy Efficient Products

Be cautious! Energy bars don’t actually have the most energy! Soda has way more. Energy equals calories. Most energy bars: 130 calories. A bottle of soda: 280 calories. Even if you only want a sip, dump the rest. You can always buy another bottle later.

6.Use Less Hot Water

Another easy solution. Use all the hot water when you take a shower so your roommate won’t use any. Sometimes you really need to crack that environmental whip.

7. Use The “Off” Switch

Your roommate is playing that god awful music again? Use the “off” switch. He’ll appreciate your caring attitude toward power efficiency.

8. Plant a Tree

Plastic trees are pretty cheap! Tear out all the plants in your yard and replace them with fake ones. You’ll use less water and look way cool because you can have skull pattern leaves or something.

9. Report Card From Your Utility Company

High numbers on the report are always good. Try and get the highest number ever on the power meter fixed to the side of your house.

10. Encourage Others to Conserve

Totally kick your roommate in the nuts if he tries to throw away your “poop fire” bags. A good prank should always be conserved.